My 3rd Surgeriversary

Thankful is the theme of this anniversary. I am thankful to have such a beautiful, healthy, happy, baby boy who just turned 9mths. I am thankful to have such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband that loves me through thick and thin, I am thankful that my father is still with us however not in the capacity that I would of hoped but thankful just the same,  and I am thankful for my band to help steer me past my demons that constantly creep on me whenever they sense my spirit going a little weak.

This year has been a good one. I welcomed my son Cole into the world and he makes me smile everyday.(LOVE HIM)  I have had a little difficulty with my band and fell into darkness . I  am happy to say I have managed to crawl back out the darkness and remember that I control the remote to my life and I do not have to play out this episode again if I just stay focused.

Like with many weight loss attempts before, I have finally realized something about myself luckily in plenty of time to correct it and move forward. How many of  you come to a point where you start to cruise on autopilot and you become relaxed in your weightloss regimen because it is so familiar to you? You know what works and what doesn't. You think you know what "safe foods" to eat and you become a robot of boredom as you begin to drift and your regimen becomes a wavy pishposh of half assed-ness. 

Well that is me, I have always been able to lose a ton of weight however I always seem to reach a point where I become relaxed and my efforts begin to drift. The next thing you know I have gained a huge amount of weight and I am back to square one. Here's an example;  I have been dealing with getting back to my pre-baby weight of 163 lbs for what seems forever. Ideally I would like to get back to my lowest weight ever of 153lbs but a girl needs to start somewhere right?  In January I was told my band was back in proper position and I could begin to slowly get fills again. I weighed 195lbs at the doctor's office (wearing jeans & tennis shoes in my defense WTF Jessica just accept responsibility).

Okay I weighed 195lbs and that scared the crap out of me since I vowed to myself that I would never be in the 2 digits ever again and now look at me I am one ice-cream binge away so it seems. Not to mention that is what  I weighed the day I delivered my son. WTF!!! I received my fill and went about my regimen.  However once I realized I had left the "danger zone" as I call it the 190's I began to relax in my mind 180's seem so much more acceptable and I began with my destructive pattern  of on again and off again. Meaning I can do really well for a week and then the next week I drift through on auto and allow myself to make poor decisions until I find myself at the danger zone's steps once again. Panicked  I make a half-assed attempt to correct myself only to drift again. This has been going on for 8 weeks.

 The realization I came up with is something we all know but don't provide it nearly enough credit MINDSET. I sabotaged myself because of my mindset. I allow myself to believe that I couldn't be as focused or couldn't possibly eat smaller portions because I didn't have very much in my band. PATHETIC!!! I say I realized that I  deliberately allowed myself to ignore my body's  signals of satiety on the twisted notion that I need this amount of food because I only have 1cc. It took reading a wonderfully insightful book Bandwagon by fellow bandster Jean for me to make this association.  I went back through previous journal entries to find that I was sabotaging myself like I always use to with previous diet attempts before I had surgery. Now I was trying to make my band do all the work.  Not fair I say. What has happened to my mindset. I use to tell myself that I could only eat 6 ounces at a time and I would measure all portions. I use to put my fork down after each bite and make sure to chew a minimum of 20 times before taking another bite. I use to not drink for an hour after my meal to insure it had its due time inside my little pouch. I use to exercise 3-4 times a week.  USE TO needs to be changed to DOES... And that was it! My mindset is the key to this whole thing. I need to change my mindset and only allow those previous good thoughts and visions through. Those are the visions that got me to lose 93lbs with this tool and those are the visions that are needed to make it a reality.

Like we women often do, I began creating a plan in my mind, a chain of events that needed to occur to prep me for getting back on track. Step 1 Go see my surgeon for a fill, Step2 Order Jogging Stroller, Step 3 Order New Jogging shoes and exercise outfit to hold the flab together as I move. (I don't know about you but my excess skin gives me quite a beating when I exercise. Step 4 Write down your goals so you can visualize them and make them concrete and real. Step 5 Write down your motivators to keep you going. Step 6 Get Going and allow nothing to derail you.

My Goals:

 My Goal is to weigh 163 lbs by Cole's first Birthday. July 9th 2011.

 My Goal is to drink at least 6 cups of water per day.

My Goal is to exercise daily.

My Goal is to measure my portions and listen to my body's cues.

My Goal is to accept responsibility for my actions.

My Motivators:

I want to feel comfortable wearing short sleeves this summer. Nothing like walking to the boat in Havasu in 120 degrees wearing 3/4 sleeves  to hide those bat wings. (Seriously I have done it)

I want to reach my goal weight of 100 lbs lost since surgery.

I want to maintain my goal weight.

I want to have more babies.

I want to get my excess skin removed

I want to live a healthier life and be around for my children and not have to be hospitalized like my Dad EVER!!! (9 heart surgeries, left leg amputated as result of diabetes)

Today's weight: 182.4lbs

Total Weight Lossed since my weightloss journey began January 2005: 165lbs

Weight Lossed since Band Surgery April 22, 2008: 68lbs

Lastly, I am so thankful for my band to allow me the opportunity to make this realization with such minimal damage. In the past, when I would come back from darkness as I like to call it I would be 40-50lbs heavier. My band is the tool that provides the sadly necessary help I need to lose weight. Maybe someday I will not have such a great dependence for my band but in the meantime I am thankful that I have it to help me reach my goals.

Here we go!  Best of luck and remember this is a journey and a lifetime one at that. Appreciate the ride and don't forget to pause to check out life's scenic views along the way.

BroomHilda

This Holiday season has been so rough on me though with my Dad being sick and my band having issues. I have really allowed myself to get out of control. I will only admit it to you since you know the struggles of life; I have allowed myself to gain close to 40 lbs since the baby. Can you believe it? I am so mad with myself that each day I beat myself up inside only to cave in to my depressed demons each night and eat shit I am not suppose to.

I know I did so good with the baby and everything with my weight. I weighed 163lbs when I got pregnant. I weighed 190lbs when I delivered. I slimmed back down to 170 lbs before I let this darkness come take a hold of me. Now today I weigh 193lbs.

I have allowed my mind set to become negative and consumed with worry. I went to the Doctor 3 months after Cole was born for my yearly follow up appointment. The Doctor asked me questions about heartburn and such and I said Yes since "Hello I just was pregnant and have had the worse heart burn of my life being pregnant and all". Well this made my lazy ass Doctor finally want to take a further look at my band. He preformed my first Fluoroscopy ever and I have had my band over 2 years. He said the most fatal words" Your Pouch looks enflamed and I think your band may have slipped a little". I fell to my knees right on the spot and fainted. Kid you not.

I could not believe what he was telling me, I mean I thought I was a responsible with my band. I only have 3 cc's inside. His way on of consoling me was to say that sometimes it's the best patients that have the worst luck. But look on the bright side you have lost a lot of weight. All the while I kept thinking what the hell, I am still considered fat at 173 lbs. HELLO !

I immediately began to blame myself for keeping fluid in my band while pregnant. Because as the baby grew and my insides shifted something happened either in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy or during delivery. I immediately felt isolated and trapped to deal with this on my own. Embarrassed from fainting and still in shock. I humbly walked to the Hospital cafeteria and purchased an Orange Juice. I walked to my car and began my 3 hour drive back home. Once I got closer to home I called my husband who God love him, was a complete asshole at the wrong moment. He blamed me and called me selfish for keeping the fluid in my band. I agreed with him but I could help but state the facts if pregnancy caused this why would all my Doctors, my OBGYN and my Bariatric Surgeon allow me to do this. They all said it was okay and monitored me. His response was "Because they are idiots Jess, you know that! They don't care and it all about doing the bare minimum".

Consumed with worry I kept close to my diet, thinking that if I did so my two week recheck would be perfect. On November 5th 2010 I went back to the Doctor for an  X-ray and was told that my band does not look a 100% and it would be a good idea to wait a while longer to see if it will heal itself. A little while longer, came with my surprise of over 2 months. My Fluoroscopy appointment is scheduled for January 12th 2011.  I can't believe my doctor would do this to a person, unfilled them completely leave them to go through the entire holiday season with no sign of hope and filled with fear of the worst. Oh, wait that's right they don't care. During this holiday season I have tried my hardest to put these dark thoughts out of my mind and just focus on the positive. I did pretty well until I went on Winter Break. My husband took his vacation at the same time to spend time with Cole and I , however with this terrible Rain Storms and lack of money we have been trapped in doors with all the evils of the holiday cookies, fatty foods, and sabotaging family.

Now, today I am filled with remorse and anger that I have allowed myself to get this out of control and I am afraid that if I do not do anything I will have erased the progress I have made and fall back into the sad excuse of life that I once knew.

I must make a change. I must stick to my path. I am still on track. I can do this if only I set my mind to it. This is just a shitty detour that if I am determined to overcome I can and I will. It all begins and ends with me so I must be positive and equip myself with the necessary tools and plan to be successful.

What do I want? I want to be back to my pre-baby weight and ready to make Cole a brother or sister by Cole's first birthday. I want to buy our first house and get back to living life again. This gives me 7 months to clean up my act and relearn good habits and toss out the old ones.

It starts with having a good meal plan and the right food in the house.  Next, I need to drink water which I don't :( and I need to start moving my ass again.

One can only change the things they are in control of. I am in control of my body no matter what life throws my way. Even though there is stress, money issues, and sadness. My body should not be the one to suffer because of this.

I can do this! I must believe in myself and stay focused on the positive.

Happy New Year to myself!

My 2nd Surgiversary

Life is good. Another year full of exciting changes and the start of a completely new chapter in my life. Something I thought would only be a concept in my head for me, is now becoming a reality. I am about to become a momma for the first time. I am so excited yet nervous and scared at the same time. I think I feel a lot like I did as I anticipated my surgery two years ago. “I know I went from the fear of will this surgery work for me?” “Will I fail?” “Did I make the right choice to the honeymoon stage of oh yah baby look at me the weight is just piling off.” Then I started to wonder is that it? Will this be all the weight I will lose when I started hitting my stalls and plateaus to if only I get to 180lbs I will be happy and satisfied and not need to lose anymore weight. Then I reached 180lbs and I basked in my long awaited accomplishment and re-evaluated my health and body and decided that 150 lbs would better serve my frame and health.

I remember before surgery how all I could think about was the thoughts of having the surgery and how the countless hours that turned into days I spent researching and scowling the OH forums for new intel.

Now I think,eat,sleep, dream baby. I spend the same amount or even more researching and reading book after book for baby intel.  My pregnancy has had many stages from the excited hurry up when is the baby ever going to get here, to the emotional scares of something could be wrong with my baby along with the never ending ups and downs of my dad getting really sick and being hospitalized to the now AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I need more time I am not ready for the baby to arrive yet!!! Will I be a good mom? Will the baby be healthy? Can I balance work, home, health and motherhood? What am I willing to sacrifice to make it all work? These are just some of the questions that run through my brain like a train going nowhere tonight.

I remember being told I was too heavy to have a baby and how sad that made me to hear. But look at me now!!! It's amazing when I reflect back on what I had set in my mind as goals to work towards and now those goals have become reality. My reality.

 Elated I guess is the best word I can choose to describe how I feel. I am elated to start this chapter in my life. I am elated to be at such a healthy weight and "getting busy living instead of dying". I am elated with every momma pound that I gain because I know it is all BABY! I mean what a joy it is to feel guilt free for once about gaining weight. Maybe its because its taken me so much effort to gain each pound and I know it is a healthy weight gain.

This tool has allowed me to learn the skills necessary to be successful at achieving and maintaining a healthy weight. I am close to 30 weeks pregnant (7+months) and I am up 17lbs.

Looking back I never want to forget who I am or where I came from and for me that means never forgetting my past. I was fat and I was fat for a very long time. That was a long part of my life and I still identify with. I think you take the fat off the girl but you can't take girl out of the fat(If that makes any sense). I chose to have this WLS, a life changing surgery for the rest of my life. With that decision came a set of life changes I promised to myself to keep because I did not want to ever look back at this and say I failed. I WILL NOT FAIL... FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION... I mean I was desperate enough to drastically alter my anatomy to lose weight and chose to have something implanted inside me for life I better damn well do my part to make sure I never gain this weight back. I must never lose sight of these promises to insure success because as we all know too well it is an easy slippery slope back into the darkness of denial and depression to find ourselves back the same weight we were before or just a tad over or under. FOR ME this will never happen that I know for true as this is my promise, my ode to myself.

To a lifetime of health, happiness and good fortune, Wish you all well wherever you may be on your journey.

Keep Truckin'

Broom