One year post op on October 26, 2011 7:51 am
It has been one year and nearly one month since I had surgery. I can not begin to describe how my life has changed due to the weight loss. Although I feel like I haven't changed I know I have. I feel more "me" again. I am not longer hiding behind that huge shell of fat. I am getting out there and really experiencing life again, not just going through the motions. When I go out there I am actually enjoying myself, not just pretending to be.
There has been alot of emotions that I have dealt with since the beginning, things that I still struggle with. Mostly the fact that even though I have lost over 100lbs I sometimes can't "see" that I have lost 100lbs. When I look in the mirror, even when I look at pics, I just don't see a big transformation. I think some of that is because I didn't see myself as being morbidly obese in the first place. I knew I was, I was ashamed I was, but when I looked in the mirror I only saw me. Pictures were a different story, fitting into society was a different story. Funny how now I am always looking for validation that I am not that person anymore.
I have some struggles. Food is still an addiction to me and I have to watch what I choose to eat more than ever now. I struglel with choices and knowing what to eat, even after all this time. Most of it because I simply do not buy myself items for me, instead I buy for the kids, what the kids would eat and those items are not sleeve/weight loss friendly. I make it work most of the time, but I know I need to work better at buying for me because ultimately buying for me will help them too. There are some things that I plain refuse to bring into the house because I know I wouldn't be able to resist and that is something I will do for the rest of my life. Never buying myself or pouring myself a glass of soda is something I will never ever allow myself to do either.
My husband had weight loss surgery 9 months after me and although I am happy for him and he looks so stinkin good, I struggle with the emotions that come with that. I am jealous of his amazing success. His weight is still plummeting while mine is pretty stagnant at this time. He has a new found self confidence while very attractive, makes me insecure at the same time. Even with all this we are absolutely more attracted to each other than ever and have formed a deeper connection that we have ever had. We are living our lives together now. Because of both our new found selves we are both getting out there and completely enjoying the world together. And even though I am completely jealous I am his biggest supporter and he is mine.
My weight loss has slowed down significantally and although I would be completely happy staying right where I am right now, I still would love to lose another 15-20lbs. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, maybe modify somethings, maybe try something like weight watchers to shake it up, see if that helps. But if I don't lose anymore that will be fine as long as I stay where I am at and not gain! I have said it before, I went into this for life. What I eat, how I eat, exercise is for life. I will forever eat protein first, all else later, stop when I am satisfied, do some form of exercise daily, stay away from treats most of the time, never buy myself a soda or pour myself a glass again. If that means staying at 196lbs for life then I am gonna be 196lbs. Better than getting down to 150 and gaining back.
With the thought of this being my end weight, I have started looking into plastic surgery. Plastics is something I actually wanted to avoid. I chose my goal weight of 170 because I thought this would leave a little fat to fill in the creases, but I guess being 304lbs did more to my body that what I thought. I have sagging skin and belly fat, flappy arms, and wrinkly saggy boobs. Not to mention my legs look like cottage cheese. It would take alot of surgery to fix all that I want, but at this point I would really like to get rid of the fat and skin around my middle. I go back and forth with having surgery because of the cost. Some days I am like "yes, do it for you" and other days I am like "you can't spend money like that on yourself".
Time will tell I guess. Time will tell on it all.
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Have to rant to someone and it might as well be the... on August 4, 2011 11:52 am
Okay...almost 10months out and almost 100lbs down, should be happy, should not be thinking about goals and time to reach goals..but here I am completely frustrated over the number on the scale!!! It keeps bebopping from 204.25 to 205 to 206 back to 205 back to 204.5, getting soooo very close to 204 (100lbs lost) but not quite hitting it! It has officially gotten to me! Months ago I thought for sure I would be in Onderland by summer, didn't hit it, then I thought for sure by the end of summer, but now...I just don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up, I want to NOT CARE about that number on the scale! I am starting to feel like I will never hit 100lbs lost much less 199 and it is only a smidgen away for both! UGGGHHHH!!
Not to mention that my wonderful, dear, sweet hubby who had surgery only 2 months ago is down 70+ pounds and losing a pound or so daily! I know, I know, it will slow for him like it did for me, he can't go on losing like that forever, but it gnaws at me. I look at him and think I should be happy for him, and I am, but not happy enough. I liked feeling skinny compared to him and now I fear he will be skinner than me in no time and I will once again feel like the fat wife. I have to stop it! K- nuff of the ranting and pity party! Protein, water and exercise!!
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6 months post op on April 13, 2011 12:07 pm
Haven't blogged in ages, thought it was about time. So much has changed in the last couple months. Most noticably is that I am finally truly happy and content. I feel great, I feel normal and I have settled into my new life. What I mean by new life is the changes in diet, adding exercise, and of course my new sense of self. I think I am finding "me" again. For so long I was hiding from the world, hiding from life. I was literally sleeping and eating my life away and with every added pound I sunk deeper into that way of life. I was on a steady downward spiral. I now realize more than ever that I NEEDED this surgery. Surgery gave me the boost to get myself started on a better path. Once those first few pounds came off I was able to walk better, once I detoxed and got all the junk out of my system I was feeling better and the more I lose the better I feel. As of my 6 month surgiversary I had lost a total of 78lbs since my heaviest weight at the start of my journey. I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a big difference but I can finally see it in pictures. Most importantly I feel better. I am amazed at how much I have progressed from this woman that could hardly walk 50 feet with out breathing heavily to a woman who walks for 30 minutes on the treadmill on an incline, fast and hardly breaks a sweat. One of my proudest moments was when I took my bike out for my first post op ride a couple weeks ago. Last year I hardly made it a quarter mile without stopping and this year I can ride 4+ miles with ease. And my butt doesn't hurt from the seat nearly as much :) I also don't feel like such a freak out in public. At 304lbs you are a freak, you are heavier than the norm, even heavier than the normal heavy. When I see people that are extremely overweight now I look at them with sadness because I have been there. I have been where you aren't able to literally "fit" into society. They don't make chairs that big, bathroom stalls that big, seat belts that big. Now I fit much better. I love to find chairs that I knew I would never be able to sit in before and see if my butt fits. It always does now. Sometimes snuggly, but it does and I don't feel like I am overflowing if that makes sense. I never went into this expecting to be one of the "thin" people. I just want to be normal and I am getting there ounce by ounce and pund by pound!
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Feelin Normal Again on November 9, 2010 5:37 pm
Boy, those first few weeks were tough! I was hungry, sore, and was having thoughts of regret. Then came a stall that lasted over two weeks. I thought for sure that scale was never going to move again and I had done the surgery, ruined my stomach and life of eating like a normal person forever!Then the scale moved! 4 pounds, then 4 more, 8 pounds in two weeks! Alright!!!
And then there were some non-scale victories. A pair of pants that I had purchased a year ago, wore once and couldn't wear because they became too snug fit again and were even loose!! I can ummm...wipe my bottom easier now. I sat in a chair with arms that I would have never fit in before and was comfortable in it. My shoes are looser! My wedding rings can actually be taken off without soap! I put on a bracelet that used to leave indentations on my wrist and it was loose! There,s more, but I may be writting forever!
At the present day I am feeling pretty darn good. I have my bouts when something doesn't sit right, but for the most part I am able to eat about anything that I am allowed and enough to satisfy. My hunger and appetite are lessening. I even have times when I have to find something to eat just because I know I need to eat. Then I eat a bite or two and am satisfied. Today I was a bit naughty though...I ate a whole chicken salad sandwich on toasted bread. It took me 4+ hours to do it, but I did it and it was probably my whole caloric intake allowed for the day. I guess this makes up for the days when I have like 200 calories. Right?
My goals for the next couple months are to continue to get more water in, more protein in, take vitamins regularly and keep up with the excersise. I also have to stay away from all the holiday goodies! I have not had too much of an issue with sweets as of yet. I have tasted chocolate recently and it was sooo sweet that I took one tiny nibble and threw the rest out. Tried it more out of curiousity than cravin. I am also wishing, hoping to lose another 20lbs by Christmas. This should be enough to lose a clothing size or two. :)
In wrap up... first I was not sure if I did the right thing. I hated my sleeve, I wanted to eat what I wanted, how much I wanted, and when I wanted. Now...I LOVE MY SLEEVE! I can feel and see the difference that it has made in my life and look forward to the future, thinner me!!
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7 days post op on October 8, 2010 6:57 am
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7 days post op now. I am sooo hungry and e
verything sounds good. Hoping this will pass once I move onto the mushy phase! Feeling pretty good. Still pain on my right side and "the big incision", but am able to move around pretty good and do some light housework. Slept on my left side last night, nice change from sleeping on my back. Was able to get in almost my whole slimfast drink in this morning although it took me about an hour to do it. Getting sick of chocolate and chicken flavored liquids!