Alison B.
11/13/09 No News is Good News, Right?
Nov 12, 2009
Well it’s been over a week since I last typed up anything for the blog, so I figured I’d check in.
I was given the okay to return to Stage 5 (reintroducing solid food into my diet) and it’s been going well. I haven’t had the chance to bite into a steak, but a part of me is worried that I’ll react poorly to red meat. You never know and I really don’t want to find out the hard way but I’ve been eating a ridiculously large amount of chicken and eggs… I need a change.
I was able to fit my butt into a size 20 on Sunday. It was a nice change from the 26/28 I had been sporting. I placed an order at work for new uniforms in 1x instead of the 3x I was rocking.
I walked into work a few weeks ago with a prayer shawl (an orversized scarf) around my shoulders and my boss took a look at me in my scrubs and said “All you need is a stuffed animal and you look ready for a nap.”
I continue to think that I haven’t lost weight, but recently I’ve been looking at old photos of myself (old as in a few months ago) and see the difference in my face at the very least. Because I’m used to the way my face looks right now, I seem swollen in my older pictures. It’s gratifying to realize that my face has melted and is still cute. The second chin is still there, but just barely.
I still can’t look at myself naked without feeling hopeless, but it’s a work in progress. It’s my own damn fault for not going to the gym as much as I should. I’ve been there once since my hospital stay. I always fnd a reason to do something other than go to the gym, which is stupid. I don’t want to end up paying a fat tax again. A fat tax is when you pay the monthly fees for a gym and fail to utilize the services.
I keep wanting to go shopping because I want a cute outfit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it’s not worth it for me right now as I’m still losing weight. The last weighin at the doctor’s put me at 228. Not too shabby.
I’m worried about eating in the holidays. I should give my doctor a call and see if they have a meeting where they give advice as to what you should be eating at the holiday table.
I’ve been managing to eat three meals a day. Some of them have been small, but I’m never really hungry and I don’t want to push myself and end up overstuffing.
I have the support of a great friend who sends me emails after we hang out that tell me that every time he sees me I just get prettier and prettier. I like that he is there to inflate my ego. LOL! He just asked me what I’m going to call the blog when I’m a size 14.
I don’t know. Being fat has been such a huge (no pun intended) part of my life. I’ve been overweight since elementary school and morbidly obese since I was eleven.
My friend once said to me “You’re gonna be a skinny fat chick! That’s so much better than a skinny chick!” She didn’t intend for it to be hurtful (though at the time I think I took offense). She meant that because of my weight, I had to compensate with wit and intelligence. Not to mention an actual personality.
To be honest. I used to hate skinny girls that had rocking personalities because jealousy and envy were high on my “favorite deadly sins” list. I would blame my size on why I never auditioned for anything or why I was constantly failing. Why I couldn’t make a relationship work.
I’ve finally realized that it’s me, not my weight, that has kept me back. The idea of rejection from anything scares me. I was also worried that they WERE judging me on my weight. I could deal more with the mindset that “they were gonna say no anyways because of my size” than the idea that I really wasn’t any good.
What’s going to happen when I don’t have that crutch to fall back on anymore?