Alison B.

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… a post in which our heroine lets the readers in a little bit.

Okay, so here’s the deal. I’ve lost a bunch of weight and have gotten a few key pieces of clothing to prevent “wardrobe malfunctions” (seriously, I almost pantsed myself at the gym).

Why is it so difficult for me to reach into my closet and pull out my old clothing? Does a part of me, deep inside, believe that I will fail at this and I’ll revert back to the way I was? Am I just lazy? Do I think that an empty closet will propel me on a spending spree?

It’s hard to let go of the clothing of the past, especially when it was such a comfort to me. Baggy shirts to hide the form I hated were my creature comfort. I’m sure that once I reach in to pull them out, I’m going to keep the majority of them. I know that there is a book out there giving different options for alterations.

Truth be told, I’m a bonafide packrat. I don’t know why. I guess there is something that tells me that I need to keep the things that I bought all those years ago because someone might mention that they need one and I come to the rescue.

Ugh. Why is this so hard? I keep telling myself “Awww… I’ll just do it tomorrow.” After a dozen tomorrows, everything still hangs in my closet, taunting me.

Short synopsis of SModcast 106
Kevin flies from Burbank to Oakland and back with no issue. Days later, he flies again to Oakland without issue. The ride home, however, is much more eventful. He is pulled from his standby flight deemed a “safety risk”. They refuse to admit that he was profiled because of his size. He admittedly gets heated and proceeds to tweet his frustration. Shortly after, he is apologized to and is finally seated on another flight. He sits next to a woman who is large and she is pulled aside and spoken to about buying a second seat in the future.
For the full story from the dirty mouth (and I’m saying this as a fan of the dirtiness of ALL of the SModcasts… Anyone who reads my blog knows I’m a fan of foul language.) of he who experienced it, visit www.smodcast.com and have a listen to Episode 106.

Enter blogging from Ali’s POV:

I guarantee you this. If you exist in the world today, you either are or know someone who is considered overweight. If not, you now know me.

In September 2009, I underwent a gastric bypass. I started the process as a 5’8” size 26/28 at 295lbs. Before my surgery, I was always nervous when flying. It had nothing to do with the plane going down or anything like that. It was always the embarrassment that I felt for asking for a seatbelt extender. I have always felt bad for the people that would have to share a row with me. Even though I could fit in between the armrests, it was still pretty snug. Chalk it up to my Polish hips. I’m a pear-shaped girl that can knock something down just by turning.

Every flight I took brought out the inner asshole in myself that berated me for my size and blamed me for the discomfort of the people sharing the row. I didn’t need someone to tell me I was overweight. Trust me, every time I squeezed in between the armrests I knew. In addition to having hips that could take down a wall, I have long legs.

Every flight for me is uncomfortable, regardless of what ass cheek the majority of my weight sits on. To be honest, I was afraid to fly alone, because I didn’t want to experience the embarrassment of being told I was too fat to fly. I thought that having someone with me would soften the blow.  

Listening to the SModcast broke my heart.

Yes, Kevin’s experience was a bag of suck, but the thing that made me shed tears was the short snippet of experience from the girl that shared his final voyage on SouthWest. She was pulled aside and told that she should consider buying a second seat. The seat in between the two of them had already been purchased by Kevin, but the thin flight attendant felt the need to “educate” this poor girl about company policy.

That makes me fucking laugh. Company policy? Yeah. Someone can stand there and quote company policy, but in the end… that person talking to you is the judge of what is “too fat” and obviously they felt you were it. Alternately, the fact that they can stand under the umbrella of SouthWest to call someone out on their obesity makes me think that the airline has given their employees too much fucking power.

Apparently the “two seat” rule is determined by whether or not you fit between the arm rest. Kevin did. The woman did. The fact that someone was having a shitty self image day and needed to bring that woman down a peg should have never come into play. If a flight isn’t full, there should be no reason to pull someone aside to tell them that they should consider buying another seat. Fuck you lady. 

I’m not blowing any fucking whistles here but… Most fat people have low self-esteem anyways. To approach someone like a schoolteacher chastising someone for getting an F on a pop quiz doesn’t make you special. In fact, it makes you a cunt. (Yes ma, I said it. Sorry.)

Okay, and uh… “safety risk”? What the fuck? Did you think he was hiding dynamite under his clothing? I’m just gonna lay it out for you. Fat people can’t be terrorists. Not only are we known for being stereotypically jolly, but we stand out like… well… fat people. If you’re looking for a safety risk, don’t look for someone large. Look for someone nondescript.

The worst part about this is that you can’t confront someone in the industry because of all of the “safety risk” bullshit and “heightened security measures” in place for the safety of the general public. Guess what? The majority of the general public is overweight.

The point SouthWest, is simply this: This person was wearing your company uniform and providing poor customer service. They were YOUR ambassador to YOUR clients and they took YOUR “policy” as a right to fuck with those who shouldn’t have been fucked with.

I bet SouthWest PR is shitting themselves now that a policy they’ve had for quite some time has caught the attention of someone that actually has a platform of loyal followers that will listen. If we’re going by Twitter, Kevin’s follower count at the time of this being published is 1,652,222 not to mention SModcast followers, forum go-ers on viewaskew.com, fans of the movies he’s written/directed…

SouthWest sent an “apology” that was little more than a “fuck you” by stating their policy. But, wait a second… Kevin adhered to the rules set forth in said policy… Ugh… Just… fucking… Ugh.

Some people on twitter have said to Kevin “You’re rich, just suck it up and buy a second seat.” Kevin addresses one such comment here http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=392

You know what? Not everyone can afford two seats. Typically, if you’re flying on SouthWest… You don’t have that much money. They’re cheap ass flights, but they cram as many people as possible into one fucking plane, so they make their money there. You’d never know that they do as they apparently don’t spend it on training their employees on the proper way to talk to paying customers.

With all of the money problems and companies going belly up, you’d think that there would be more of an emphasis on improved customer service.

So fuck you SouthWest. Fuck you.

Well, the holiday went by without a return trip to the hospital, so… YAY!

I got to my parents house for an early meal and had some turkey, a smidgen of mashed potatoes (I would’ve loved to eat more, but I just couldn’t), bourbon squash and cranberry chutney. I indulged in a piece of reese’s peanut butter cup icecream cake [if sex was a dessert, that would be it's heavenly form].

After that, I headed over to my friend’s house and sat with them while they enjoyed a huge dinner. I helped myself to a few bites of their turkey and this amazing cognac gravy that would smack anyone else’s in the face along with some roasted squash with salt and pepper seasoning.

I was incredibly full for the rest of the day. It wasn’t that uncomfortable, I just knew that I needed to not eat anything for awhile.

The following day, I headed to a friend’s house for movie night. I carpooled with two friends and one of them stopped me and said “I can see bone” as she pulled the neck of my shirt aside slightly. I’ve been recently touching my clavicle and getting excited because it’s never been this defined before. It’s not “skinny chick” defined, but it’s still noticeable and I think it’s great that someone else noticed!

Well, things have been slowing down, but it’s ultimately my own fault. I haven’t been visiting the gym like I should. The season is changing and I find myself slumping back into the same hibernation patterns I’ve always had. Not good, folks, not good.

I’ve stopped walking during my lunch break because the weather has been oogy.

I’ve lost 6 pounds since my last post. 11/13-11/23 I’ve lost 6 pounds. It’s less than a pound a day. I was told to expect something like this, but it sucks to experience a partial plateau. It makes me feel guilty for being less proactive about myself.

Everyone around me has been getting sick and I’m worried that it’s going to happen to me. I have no more vacation time at work, getting sick and calling out is a bad idea.

My new scrubs have come in and they are tight around my hips, so I really need to get my butt in gear and lose some inches so I can look less like a hobo at work.

I keep saying that I’m going to buy a belt, but I keep finding other things to spend my money on.

The holidays are coming, more specifically Thanksgiving is in four days and it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I can’t have stuffing, mashed potatoes will be difficult, so I’m going to have turkey… and cranberry sauce… It’s going to be the healthiest Thanksgiving ever, and I’m irritated about it.

I will post soon after Thanksgiving to comment on it.

Well it’s been over a week since I last typed up anything for the blog, so I figured I’d check in.

I was given the okay to return to Stage 5 (reintroducing solid food into my diet) and it’s been going well. I haven’t had the chance to bite into a steak, but a part of me is worried that I’ll react poorly to red meat. You never know and I really don’t want to find out the hard way but I’ve been eating a ridiculously large amount of chicken and eggs… I need a change.

I was able to fit my butt into a size 20 on Sunday. It was a nice change from the 26/28 I had been sporting. I placed an order at work for new uniforms in 1x instead of the 3x I was rocking.

I walked into work a few weeks ago with a prayer shawl (an orversized scarf) around my shoulders and my boss took a look at me in my scrubs and said “All you need is a stuffed animal and you look ready for a nap.”

I continue to think that I haven’t lost weight, but recently I’ve been looking at old photos of myself (old as in a few months ago) and see the difference in my face at the very least. Because I’m used to the way my face looks right now, I seem swollen in my older pictures. It’s gratifying to realize that my face has melted and is still cute. The second chin is still there, but just barely.

I still can’t look at myself naked without feeling hopeless, but it’s a work in progress. It’s my own damn fault for not going to the gym as much as I should. I’ve been there once since my hospital stay. I always fnd a reason to do something other than go to the gym, which is stupid. I don’t want to end up paying a fat tax again. A fat tax is when you pay the monthly fees for a gym and fail to utilize the services.

I keep wanting to go shopping because I want a cute outfit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it’s not worth it for me right now as I’m still losing weight. The last weighin at the doctor’s put me at 228. Not too shabby.

I’m worried about eating in the holidays. I should give my doctor a call and see if they have a meeting where they give advice as to what you should be eating at the holiday table.

I’ve been managing to eat three meals a day. Some of them have been small, but I’m never really hungry and I don’t want to push myself and end up overstuffing.

I have the support of a great friend who sends me emails after we hang out that tell me that every time he sees me I just get prettier and prettier. I like that he is there to inflate my ego. LOL! He just asked me what I’m going to call the blog when I’m a size 14.

I don’t know. Being fat has been such a huge (no pun intended) part of my life. I’ve been overweight since elementary school and morbidly obese since I was eleven.

My friend once said to me “You’re gonna be a skinny fat chick! That’s so much better than a skinny chick!” She didn’t intend for it to be hurtful (though at the time I think I took offense). She meant that because of my weight, I had to compensate with wit and intelligence. Not to mention an actual personality.

To be honest. I used to hate skinny girls that had rocking personalities because jealousy and envy were high on my “favorite deadly sins” list. I would blame my size on why I never auditioned for anything or why I was constantly failing. Why I couldn’t make a relationship work.

I’ve finally realized that it’s me, not my weight, that has kept me back. The idea of rejection from anything scares me. I was also worried that they WERE judging me on my weight. I could deal more with the mindset that “they were gonna say no anyways because of my size” than the idea that I really wasn’t any good.

What’s going to happen when I don’t have that crutch to fall back on anymore?

Okay! So the doctor told me to stick to a liquid diet until the next time I saw him. Of course, I was feeling better, so I ended up eating a full meal last night.
I had to leave work today and stopped once to vomit on the drive home. I slept most of the day and got up once to vomit.
So listen to your doctor, folks. Chances are he knows what he’s talking about.

Okay, so here’s a rundown of how my week went.

Monday – Headed down to the pre op/post op meeting and didn’t have much time to eat before it. Against my better judgement, I purchased a 6 inch ham sandwich from Subway and had them cut it in half. I ate it over the span of an hour and sat through the meeting. I had a great time and ended up talking more than I thought I would. On the ride home I felt a mild discomfort and figured I just needed to lie down and go to sleep early. I ended up lying down until about 9:30pm when the abdominal pain was incredibly sharp. I tried making myself vomit, but have always had difficulty with that. I ended up driving towards a hospital close to my parent’s house and called my boss on the way. He told me I was an idiot for driving there on my own and I told him I was almost there. I hung up with him and the nausea overtook me. I decided to turn into my parent’s street and immediately popped my door open and puked twice while I hung from my seatbelt. I finished the ride to my parent’s house and figured I’d sleep it out and just puke i out the rest. During the course of the night, every hour I would wake with sharp abdominal pain, then I would proceed to heave three to five times before feeling a little better.

Tuesday – at 4am, I realized the pain wasn’t getting any better so I drove myself to the hospital. They immediately planted an IV and had me drink barium sulfate for three hours to prep for a catscan of my tummy. They finally got the results and the doctor told me it was a partial bowel obstruction and discharged me at 10:30am. I drove to my parents house and make a quick appointment to meet with my surgeon that afternoon. I made it there and talked it over with him. He took a look at the scans and told me that it was going to take some time, but it should be able to work itself out on it’s own. I went home and felt like poo. I slept for the remainder of the afternoon and in the evening around 7-8pm the pain was still incredibly intense and I asked my brother to take me to the hospital. He and his girlfriend accompanied me to the hospital that my surgeon practices at. I spent hours puking up bile and had to drink an alternate barium drink for yet another catscan. They then admitted me to the hospital and brought me to the room. I spent more time puking and crying because once the morphine was given, in an hour it had worn off and the pain was excruciating. I can only equate it to a menstrual cramp on steroids longing to punch its way out of your lower abdomen. Maybe that’s what the guy in Aliens felt like, but at least there was relief when the Alien popped out of him.

Wednesday through Friday – Spent this time dealing with the pain (it got lesser and lesser every hour) and eventually was released today.

I just weighed myself and I have lost 9 pounds in 4 days. That is the worst diet plan EVER. DO NOT TRY THIS EVER!

I refuse to be defeated by a ham sandwich… Let me explain.

Today after work I was rushing around so that I could make the pre op/post op meeting in time. I stopped by Subway and asked for a kid’s grinder and they said they can’t sell it without selling the full kids meal. I decided that it would be cheaper to get a 6 incher and just have them cut it in half.

So I rush down to the meeting and arrive an hour early. It was good that I did. I tackled the 3 inch grinder and went into the meeting.

During and after I’ve felt uncomfortable. My tummy is full and less than happy that there is a ham sandwich in it.

I’m going to go to bed. Hopefully it’s better in awhile.

The title explains exactly how I feel today. I didn’t get enough sleep and adding on stress from work makes me cranky.

I had a meeting with the doctor’s assistant on Friday and got the okay to introduce new foods into the rotation. I was pleased that I could finally have a pickle! I’ve made it a point to have one every day since! I’m not even tired of them. I LOVE them!

I went to a Paul Newman movie night on Saturday and got to try the foods they had made from the Paul Newman website. They laughed at me when I couldn’t finish my tiny plate and offered the rest of the food to someone else. It’s okay though.

The weight is still coming off and my BMI has gone from a 45 to a 36,, so I’m much colder than I used to be. I’ve complained that I didn’t see a difference and every else tells me that they could. I’m not really trolling for compliments,I just don’t see it. Yeah, I know that with one tug I can be pantsed, but I look in the mirror and still see fat.

It’s only depressing because Halloween is this week and I’m not going to be dressing up this year.

So I returned to work last week. It was a very hectic time. Every day I had something planned for immediately after work, so I had no time to decompress. I ended up spending yesterday in bed just to catch up on rest.

My hips are down to 52 inches, which is not great, but it’s not bad either.

The meeting with the doctor was fine and I was allowed to add blended meats high in protein to my list of foods. Sadly, I find that the only thing on the list that I like is chicken (red meat is not on the list at this moment). I’ve found that as long as I chew it into a paste, I don’t need to blend the food down.

Today was difficult, because the chicken wasn’t agreeing with me. Having such a limited range of food to eat, your body starts to get angry with you and demands a change. I had to drink a ridiculously disgusting protein supplement (New Whey – it has 42 grams of protein in 3oz… it tastes like liquid hardcandy… but bad hardcandy) to ensure that I hit my protein goal of the day. I’ve been on a liquid diet today because that’s all I can manage without feeling weird.

I tried chicken breast lunchmeat the other day. The first time I had it, I neglected to chew it as much as I should’ve and paid for it for about an hour. It’s severely uncomfortable and a part of you thinks that if you puke it up, you’ll feel better.

That’s probably true, but I’m trying to avoid puking. I typically eat slowly and as soon as I feel full, I’m done. I’ve stopped eating while in the middle of chewing something and ended up spitting it out. It’s just safer than cramming that one last bite down my throat. Who knows? That last bite could be the one that sends it all back up. Better safe than sorry.

Next week is the pre op/post op meeting and I plan on going to participate in the conversation and support a friend who is starting the process. I’ve been keeping them abreast to my bad days just as much as my good days. I don’t want people to have a romanticized version of the surgery. It’s tough as hell. It’s not something that you tread lightly into.

I was, however, really upset by an infomercial I saw the other day for a new weight loss regimen. A woman said that she had gotten a gastric bypass then after she lost the weight she gained it all back. She said she regretted ever having done it

Not everyone is successful in this venture, I know. But for someone to slander it on something as horrible as an infomercial… Ugh…

Here are the reasons you put the weight back on…
1. You fall into your old patterns – You neglect to exercise, you eat a meal that is completely unhealthy for you, etc.
2. You graze – Grazers have the worst luck in keeping off the weight. They consistently nibble, and instead of having 3 meals a day and 1 snack, they are constantly eating. There is no reason for someone to do this other than the fact that they are addicted to food. The taste of it, how it makes them feel. Frankly, I’ve hated food for so long, I’m happy that my intake is going to be less.
3. You don’t eat 3 meals a day and 1 snack – When you neglect to eat a meal, your body reacts accordingly by slowing down your metabolism. It is the natural instinct taking place. An easy way to solve this one (especially if you don’t like eating three times a day) is to add in the New Whey or a high protein and low fat/carb drink. That way, you’re drinking the essentials you need and providing your body with the correct nutrients to keep your metabolism in gear.
4. If your body doesn’t react badly with sugar, you’ll start using that to appease your sweet tooth. Don’t get me wrong, I fully intend on having mini reese’s cups 1-3 times a week, but it’s going to be in moderation. Keep them out of your bedroom or the family room and only take one at a time. You’ll find that one of them will appease your sweet tooth and you can stave off devouring an entire box of girlscout cookies (I’ve been there. It’s such a pleasure/pain. You enjoy the taste of it, but you hate yourself for giving in.)
5. You drink carbonated beverages – Though it hasn’t been thoroughly proven, carbonated beverages have the opportunity of filling you full of gas and possibly stretching your pouch.

Alright, I’m going to get off my soapbox now.

Goodnight Interwebs!