deuxk9
If I Write I'll Cry
Jul 16, 2010
To me that is as good a reason as any to not write a blog this evening. Yet here I am. I guess I am hoping that it will make me feel better. Like a cathartic cleansing. It wont. But maybe in 6 months when I look back, it wont seem like such a big deal. It's been a tough week....which he doesn't want to hear about. I want this promotion....which he thinks I wont get. I want a new car, but he doesn't want his name on it so I'll pay an ungodly interest rate to get it. I want to go shop for some cute pants....but he thinks I spend too much money. I pay for 100% of my old debt.....50% perecnt of our mutual debt....and 50% of HIS old debt. Yet I never seem to be carrying my share. I paid for the A/C which runs constantly....and I pay half of the electric bill.....but I get nagged if I walk out of a room and leave a light on. He didn't speak to me for two days because I didn't do the dishes when he wanted them done...and ended up doing them himself. No matter how hard I work around the house....I'm never doing as much as him or at least I'm never doing enough. I remember about a year ago I tried to lose weight. I was down 11 pounds and told him. His response was..."are you gonna tell me about every single pound? I mean your weight can go up & down more than a pound in one day" I had been trying to lose the weight because he wanted me to be thinner. I felt so proud of myself and wanted him to know that I had made progress. He threw it back in my face and I was so discouraged I stopped trying and put it all back on plus some. Now he is losing weight and telling me about every single pound. I am just never good enough, thin enough, frugal enough, safe enough.....I'm never anything enough to make him happy. I also find myself married for the second time to a man who finds it convenient to blame me for EVERYTHING that is wrong in life. For everything that does not go his way. For everything he thinks he is entitled to but doesn't have. For every opportunity he is afraid to take. For every guy he knows that has a nicer house or a nicer motorcycle. Everything that life holds that he doesn't have is somehow my fault. Sometimes I think about divorce....I know he wouldn't try to keep me. But that's what stops me. I know I better be damn good and ready to walk out the door because he'll be slamming it behind me so fast it'll make my head spin. He has said it before....in fact every really bad argument we have ends with him saying he doesn't want to be married to me....and me begging him to rethink. Then the next day he just can't follow through so we pretend he didn't say it and go back to life. But he did say it....several times. So I go through my daily married life trying not to upset him too much because if I make him too mad....he'll just end it because that's what he has wanted since the first time he said it at 6 months into our marriage. I have spent 3 years knowing that I come home every day to a man that doesn't want to be with me. I come home every day to someone who would not bother to fight for out marriage if it were in jeopardy. He'd just replace me. I live in fear of being sent on my way. I think if he left me.....I would get another dog....and another...and another.....but not another man.
