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Just what the hell?

Here I am doubting again. Not just doubting...but absolutely 100% sure in the idea that this boy does not give one hot shit about me. It's my fault of course. Every time we see eachother in person and are intimate...he goes through a cool spell. He goes through 3-5 days where we barely speak and if we do its very short one word answers. Then he goes right back to normal like nothing was off at all. It happens every time...every single time. By the end of that 3-5 days I am SURE that he is not gonna come around anymore. I get mad...then I get sad..then I get sort of used to it and just as I am resolved to the fact that its over and ready to get my shit back together...up jumps the devil. So we saw eachother thursday, and that night I told him I had a really nice time just hanging out with him. He said he did too. Then Saturday it was just a couple brief texts about motorcycle parts that of course I am helping him get. Then nothing. This morning I was sure he would not message me today...but he did....only to ask about the websites for teh motorcycle parts. Then nothing. I spent the whole day telling myself that he was not gonna text again...and I was right. I dont know why I am angry. I dont have any right to be. I have no claim on him. I have not been given reason to think I am anything more than a bank account with a piece of ass attached. Its just that if he doesn't care...why did he ask me to be his girl? Why did he suggest that we care about eachother if he didnt want me to. Maybe he wants me to care because he can get more out of me if I care. But that does not mean he is gonna reciprocate. Have I really gotten to a point where I really dont trust people anymore? The thing is I was finally STARTING to trust him. I had finally started to buy his bullshit against my gut. I just keeppconfusing myself. I think teh worst and then it turns out I am wrong. Then I tell myself...se you can believe in him a little its safe you were wrong.......then I end up here again. Feeling like an idiot and wishing I were not so fucking stupid. Wishing I had not trusted, not believed. I wish I had teh strength to just stand up and say...hey, I wanna be alone. I dont need a man I dont need a partner...I am strong enough and tough enough to do it on my own. But even though I am strong enough & tough enough..I am stills cared, because I dont want to be lonely. And no matter what, being alone will inevitable result in lonliness. Maybe not all the time and sometimes being alone is a wonderful thing. Its like a no win. If you have a spouse or partner you never get to be alone. If you dont have one...you always have to be alone. I just want someone to respect and cherish me. I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to think I am the bees knees....but I also want someone who will stand up to me and call me on my bullshit and not be afraid of me. I want someone who will stick up for me and protect me but doesn't think I need either protection or sheltering. I want it all. I just want a man who is confident enough in himself to be himself and let me be myself. I know one thing. the next man I meet is not going to know how much money I make. Men are gold diggers every bit as much as women are.

I am feeling alonoe. I have a husband and a boyfriend but I feel alone. I am actually going to say some things I dont want to admit. I miss him. I want to seehim. I want to be where he is right now. I need to jump in or walk away. I want to jump in, but there is nothing to jump into. All that is happening is I am opening myself up to more and more pain. It will end ugly for me. I know that now. I will end up with out a husband or a boyfriend. The husband will hate me instead of staying friends like I would prefer. The boyfriend will move on and not remember me. He will continue on with his life with his girl and I will pass into the memories that dont count. I will attempt to find companionship with a series of men that will be awful experiences and awful people and they wont care about me and I will ove myself even less for it.

But here is what I want.....
A small but charming house. Small but made with the highest quality everything inside. Oozing with taste and charm. I want a decent size yard. Part of it fenced for dogs, a section large enough for my formal garden and an area large enough for a vegetable garden. I want a kitchen that looks out on the veggie garden and a terraced patio that overlooks the formal garden made of old recycled brick. I want a 4 car garage with a G8, a Lancer Ralliart, and a toy for every season. A quad, a motorcycle, a jet-ski, & a snowmobile. I want Brian by my side ready for fun and adventure. I want to help him through his illness and I want him to genuinely appreciate that I am there through it. I want him to tell me I am beautiful...and also call me out on my bullshit. I want his son to know me and love me. I want to laugh and play and have fun with them both. I want a tiny little office with French doors. I can work in there...and everyone knows to leave me alone in my office...but everyone will also know that I am just gonna sit in there and be distracted by the silly things the two of them are doing that I can see through those French doors. I wanna fight for real. I wanna screama nd cuss at eachother...and when its over I wanna cry cause I hate fighting with him...and I want him to put his arms around me because he hates fighting with me but hates seeing me cry even more. I want him to never forget me. I want to be significant to him and him to me. I want to laugh so hard I cant stop and make snorting noises because I am laughing so hard I cant breathe. I want him to call me chicken shit cause he knows it will make me do things I am afraid of. I want him to stick up for me and get pissed cause someone else checks me out.

I want it all.

I will end up with none of it.

I will be hard, and jaded and the few things I still believe in, and have faith in will be taken from me...or rather relinquished by me. I will be strong and callous both in body and in mind......I will have to be to grow old alone and angry.

People will fear me because I will want them to...because they will keep their distance as long as they are afraid. Men will admire me physically but I will be one of those women you dont even consider approaching. I will see beauty around me but have no one to share it with.

In teh end I will be the crazy lady down the street with all the dogs that chases the kids out of her yard.

Damn.

I went for my day 3 workout today. Somewhere in teh early morning light/dark I felt a black woman stirring in my soul. LOL

I saw my training partner arrive but he did not come outside. I figured he must have decided to do weights instead. I thought about going inside to find him and workout with him....then I thought......NO, I can push myself. I can lead myself through a tough workout. I wanna be outside. So I did 14 laps which equals 3.5 miles. 7 laps with sets of bleachers 5 laps with circuit training.

And when my trainer left before i did I sent him a text and called him a sissy. LOL

Then when I was leaving the track I started thinking about the husband and the boyfriend and you know what the black lady voice in my head said? She said ridiculous things like....

"You don't OWN me!"
and
"I don't NEED a damn thing"
and
"I am a grown ass person"
and
"Both a you's a damn fool"
and
"Girl I know dats right"
and
"Fool you betta move on! Mmmmm Hmmm"

And I laughed with the black lady in my head...cause she was right. HAHAHAHAHA

Release The Kraken!

HAHAHAHA! Well if I must. Yesterday I came home and got to work moving furniture around to make the house feel a little more put together. Jeff came home and initially seemed like he was going to jump in and help. Then he just sort of stood there looking at me while I moved heavy pieces of furniture. I finally asked him.."What?"

He says, " How long are you going to be working on this?"
I say, "I dont know, until its done."
He says, " Well what are you doing for dinner?"
I said, " I dont know, you may have to feed yourself"
He says," What? Just cause I said you didn't have to cook last night......"
I said. "I haven't even thought about if Jeff, you may have to feed yourself."
"But what about my lunches for the week?"
"well why dont you make one of the things I got at the grocery store and then you will have lunches"

He stomps off and I dont hear from him for a while. I hear him thumping around the house then I realize he has been gone for a while. I get a text message with a picture of the side of a Wendy's cup that says. "Long after the sun goes down we will still be here cooking your favorites for you when you are hungry" to which he adds "Read this"

I was pissed. I had actually stopped what I was doing to make him dinner that would also provide lunches for teh rest of the week for him. I thought he was out in teh garage until I saw that his truck was gone. So there I am standing at the stove cooking a meal for him that I have no intention of eating myself....and I am being told that Wendy's is a better wife. I plan the meals.....two separate sets of meals no less because my diet requires it. I do teh shopping. I unload the groceries. I prepare the meals. I do the dishes after making the food. I portion out the leftovers into lunch size dishes for the week. I do the dishes again after he brings home his empty lunch dishes. I make sure that I know which cereal he is eating because he likes to rotate between two kinds so I need to know which one to get. Same goes for what ice cream he is eating...gotta mix those up.....dont forget I cant eat the ice cream but I always know which one i need to get to keep the rotation.

So I started send messages back and they were not kind. Then I thought, oh fuck him. I am not gonna have a text message argument over this crap. So I went back to work on my project. When he got home he acted like there was nothing wrong and came in to the room I was working on being all nice. He saw that I had moved one of the beds and asked why I hadn't waited for him to help me move it. I promptly informed him that I didn't need to wait for him for anything and I was perfectly capable of moving heavy objects. Funny cause he is way weaker than i am now that I work out a lot. He looks at me all weird and says "Are you ok?" And it was on. I let him have it with both barrels right in the face. I let him know just what I thought of his shitty little picture and his petty little text and his selfishness. I could see in his eyes he was about to flip out on me for yelling at him. it is what he does. If I get upset with him he completely flips out and goes off teh deep end as a defensive technique. He knows my response will be to immediately back down so he will calm down. Well this time I didnt care. Flip out asshole, go ahead. I think he also sensed this and knew he was on the line. Instead of fighting me or losing it, he backed down and went and took a shower and let me be. He has NEVER done that, ever. I am done done done letting him have his way and keeping my mouth shut to avoid conflict. If we had fought more honestly in teh past we might not be where we are right now. I was quite proud of myself for standing up for myself.

OK....so yesterday was good....today was good....but both still sucked. I was supposed to have my first real sex with the boyfriend. We have had sex but it has always been rushed and in a car! LOL. His girlfriend was out of town and he asked me to come over. I had a great excuse for leaving the house at night...I went to the store and shopped for some pretty undies. I was so excited but also nervous. This would be more personal and more vulnerable and in his home where he lives and loves. Then she sent him a text to tell him that she was gonna come home instead of staying the night. Plans cancelled. So whatever, I came home and went for a motorcycle ride with Jeff. I would rather have been on teh back of Brians motorcycle but I love to go for a ride so whatever. I mean.....he had to pass on our plans for his girlfriend, so I made new plans with my husband. And you know what.....The boyfriend was jealous of the husband. He asked how my ride was....I told him it was nice but I would rather have been riding with him....and he said "lol, sure" and then has not texted since. So here I sit thinking that this is really ridiculous. My boyfriend who has a live in girlfriend is jealous of me going for a motorcycle ride with my husband. WTF. I dont see him going out of his way to fnd a way to take me for a ride himself....so what right does he have to be jealous? He isn't planning to leave his girl and even if he did that doesn't mean he would want to be with me, soooo what right does he have to be upset with me? I guess its sorta cute that he is jealous but I really dont think he has a clue what he wants. He is not 100% happy with her but he loves her. They have a kid together and are in the process of buying a house together. So why is he getting attached to me? and what is he gonna do about it when he finally realizes that he is attached to me? And what do I do? I am getting attached to him as well, even though I know I can never have him. Hell, do I even want him? I don't know. I think I just want him to be smitten with me. I want there to be some dramatic love for me that he cant live without. I want him to think the sun rises and sets with me......but that would be pretty selfish. I mean, until we met he was content in his relationship with his girl....the mother of his son. He still is really...but now he has another option when things get trying at home.

I know he is never gonna leave her, I know that he is never going to put his child in that position. And if tehre is even a hint that she would not agree to letting him have custody...he will stay with that girl for ever and ever. So I am just enjoying having fun with him....but I'm not really having that much fun because he is complicated. He is getting involved with something that he will never get involved with. He is getting attached where he should not be. He is getting jealous where he has no right to be. He is impatient for me to move out but has no intention of being a part of my life when i do. He cares but he is selfish. He is hot then cold. On then off. He is a complicated beautiful person and I cannot figure him out when normally i can read people like open books.

Today not a word from him but went to a great car show. Jeff and I go every year. It is a snobby posh affair at a gated country club. Usually I love going. Today, not so. It was 3 hours in a car getting tickled.....I have been asking him to stop tickling me for 6 years now. Constant chatter at an inaudible level. 3 hours of terrible classic rock i never want to hear again. And 4 hours of snotty rich people with a lifestyle that I will never know. It was like having my nose rubbed in my problems. All the financial issues taht have ruined my marriage just slapping me in the face all day. Then when I think of either Jeff or Brian i get even more aggravated. They both want to take from me but offer nothing in return. Both want me to give them my loyalty and affection and attention and mostly money.....but neither one of them offers comfort or support or loyalty to me. They both offer sex but not real affection. They both mostly think of their own needs almost exclusively. And I am in between the two wanting to make everyone happy but myself. Then i get even more angry with myself for not being as selfisha s they both are. Its my own fault. I open the door and let them both walk all over me. And as defiant as I feel right now...i will let them both do it again tomorrow and teh next day. Well fuck them and fuck me. I need to make changes. I need to find strength. I need to demand better for myself. I am not sure when i will get around to doing that...but it will happen. Tomorrow I will get my office set up. that is a start. that way I can focus on what is really important right now....WORK.

LOL, so it was only about 30 minutes after I wrote my last blog that the "other" proved me to be wrong again. He texted, and we had lunch. And it was a nice lunch. Just sat in the car at the park and talked while we ate. We talked more than we ever have and we laughed and I made fun of him. That is the first sign that I am getting comfortable with him, I am usually so nervous around him that I cant be myself. Today I started to relax and my smartass side peeked out for a second. I also called him on his bullshit and that felt good. When lunch was over I went back to work and so did he. A small kiss that was humorously bungled...which we both blamed the other for. Ha! That was funny too. I would enjoy having a lunch like that once a week. Just hang out and bullshit. If we could do that I would be pretty happy to just continue on as status quo cause he would probably become a pretty good friend.

However, I found myself having a bad morning....and it did not get better until he started messaging me. So the basic problem remains the same, I am unhappy without someone elses approval and affection. That is unsatisfactory. I must find a way to start recognizing it when it is happening and changing the behaviors that feed into my insecurity.

Tomorrow a new chapter in my saga. But you know...it helped today to have voiced it all in that first blog before actually meeting up with him...so maybe I need to start chronicaling what I am thinking and feeling about the situation. It seems to bring some clarity to the situation in a productive way

Its been a while since I wrote on here. I started a blog somewhere and now I cant find it. LOL. Only me! So lots of things have happened. I am not 100% proud of all of them, but I dont really care. So much change in teh last 1.5 years. Right now I am still in transition as to what I want to do about my marriage. I dont want to screw my husband over completey and if I leave, I will. He will not be able to afford his life without my paycheck. On teh other hand.....he is not exactly working too hard to keep me and I would be in fantastic financial shape without him. Also, its pretty hard to walk away from teh dreams you once had. There was a time when I thought he really was the one. I pictured a life together and it made me happy. If that is over, there are a whoel lot of dreams I will have to walk away from. But how long do you stay in a bad relationship for the sake of dreams taht will never happen anyway. Then there is the weight loss. You hear so much about teh changes people go through.....so how much of this is my fault. Am I being honest about my accountability? Have I changed so much? I know I have changed, and I know that is contributing to the situation. I feel like teh changes I have made have been good for me and bad for us. Things I used to put up with I wont anymore, but is that a bad thing. Was I easier to live with because I allowed him to get away with crap I should not have? And then again is that his fault? If I allowed it to happen and he got used to it, isn't that sorta my fault too? Why did I allow myself to be treated in an unacceptable way because I was fat? It's like I thought I shoudl be grateful for what I had because I'd never find better. Now I feel like there are more options available to me. Isn't that just plain arrogant? Have I become a vain bitch that thinks I can do better? If I decide to leave, will I regret it a year from now? How do I know if it is a mistake? How do I know what path is right?

In the meantime.....my confusion is complicated further by the "other". I set out to have a simple fling. It was intentional I admit it. I wanted to feel like someone thought I was special. I wanted someone to treat me like I was desirable and valuable. I found a beautiful young man who was super hot and we agreed on an arrangement that was simple and superficial. Then he changed it up and asked me to "be his girl". Who says that? That is so cute and so charming and so old fashioned. Things have gotten more complicated since then....because we are starting to care about eachother. However my faith in other human beings and men in general is so destroyed that I cant let go of the nagging feeling that I am being played. I keep thinking the worst and every time I do I am wrong. Everytime I think he is not going to call again, or that he has cast me off....I am wrong. So why do I sit here today still thinking that I will probably never hear from him again? I have to find some way to get past this insecurity that I have beaten into myself since childhood. He and I actually had our first fight. And he pissed me off good and we cussed at eachother in text! LOL.....modern love. I thought....yep...I will never ear from him again.....but he messaged me later in teh day and was friendly. Then This morning I passed him on the way to work and I sent him a text that said a simple "good morning :)" to which he promptly responded with a "morning". So why am I sitting here still saying....Yep it's over and I will never hear from him again. LOL. Yet in my heart I believe that is what will happen.......I hope not....I really was not done with him yet. But maybe that would be best since I was starting to get a little attached. And why is it so important to me that he likes me? So what if he doesn't? If he doesn't then fuck him right? How come it is never taht easy in real life. Why do we seek to have the approval of others so badly that we want unrealistic affections from people? Is it because we have had a vaccum of approval and affection all of our lives from being fat? What really gets me is...I convince myself that its over...and then I get used to the idea.....and then I am ok with it...and then he calls again and I find I am wrong again. I don't know.....having never argued....I dont know if he will come sniffing back around. A fling is not much fun anymore once you start arguing right? once you start fighting...its not really a fling anymore. But I had to stand my ground. I woudl hate myself today if I didnt. I had to say no no no! And I needed him to understand taht I meant it. If he does not want to see me anymore then I definitely made the right call by standing my ground. Sooooo, why am I waiting for the phone to ring? Am I really that needy for his attention......or do I just want someone to love me no matter who it is? Do I just want someone to thing I am the cats pajamas so badly that I will pursue something that isnt good for me? Why cant I just seek my own approval and be happy with it? I bet if I could accomplish that......it woudl be no problema t all to find a man that would also love and approve of me. I bet I woudl be fighting off respectful, loving men if I had that kind of love and respect for myself. Again...easier said than done.

I just want M&M's and a puppy really. LOL

Hopefully if I stop and write down what I am feeling and thinking...it will help me sort it out to have to put words to it.

OK, time to hit the reset button.

I find it very hard to commit to my diet and exercise when I have a clear cut goal in mind. The goal changes continuously. When the current incentive no longer seems to motivate me....I find a new one.

I was trying to lose as much weight as possible before my tummy tuck. Now I have been denied by my insurance.

For a week or so I was motivated by a race I want to be able to finish, but teh heat has kept me from training the way I REALLY want to.

Then there was a cute boy that was flirting with me and that made me want to look really good. But I am married so that only lasted just so long before it lost its thrill.

So now that my tummy tuck has been denied...I must find a new goal...immediately so I dont lose momentum. Tomorrow morning I may need to clean out teh fridge of all the things that are bad. There really isnt too much but temptation is temptation. I will lay awake tonight thinking of some ridiculous thing I want and by tomorrow morning I will have grand illusions in my head that will drive me for the NEXT week. If I can find something to keep me going for a week at a time...I will eventually get where I am going.

Train. Train. Train......someday I will finish that race AND have a flat tummy! I would like to do both at the same time.

What I really need is to find a drill sergeant that wants to yell at me every morning at 4am until I look like a rock star! LOL

The psychology of weight loss is more transparent from this side of the glass.

When I was bigger, I was willing to tolerate things I should not have....because that is your lot in life as a lesser human. I felt like I was lucky to have my husband....and certainly could never do better. I felt grateful that he loved me despite my weight. But you know what.....that's bullshit.

In fact, I was not that big when we met, and the more weight I put on the worse he treated me. The respect decreased with every additional pound. There have been a lot of things that have happened in 5 years that have slowly severed my emotional ties to him. My heart has been broken more than once...each time irreparable damage was done and I closed another door in my heart.

All the things that I am constantly told I am doing wrong....flaws that are regularly brought to my attention....mistakes that are always being pointed out........All bullshit.

It turns out that I am actually pretty proud of who I am and pretty content to stay just as I am. I am not really interested in changing and would just like to have someone accept me as I am. I don't try to change teh people around me....I think they are ok the way they are. I want the same in return. I am who I am and I am ok with it. If he is not that is really his problem not mine.

So why do I still hear the fat girl in my head telling me I am just being arrogant because men pay attention to me now and that I should be content like I used to be? I think it might be time to silence that voice.