Focus focus focus

Sep 18, 2011

OK....so yesterday was good....today was good....but both still sucked. I was supposed to have my first real sex with the boyfriend. We have had sex but it has always been rushed and in a car! LOL. His girlfriend was out of town and he asked me to come over. I had a great excuse for leaving the house at night...I went to the store and shopped for some pretty undies. I was so excited but also nervous. This would be more personal and more vulnerable and in his home where he lives and loves. Then she sent him a text to tell him that she was gonna come home instead of staying the night. Plans cancelled. So whatever, I came home and went for a motorcycle ride with Jeff. I would rather have been on teh back of Brians motorcycle but I love to go for a ride so whatever. I mean.....he had to pass on our plans for his girlfriend, so I made new plans with my husband. And you know what.....The boyfriend was jealous of the husband. He asked how my ride was....I told him it was nice but I would rather have been riding with him....and he said "lol, sure" and then has not texted since. So here I sit thinking that this is really ridiculous. My boyfriend who has a live in girlfriend is jealous of me going for a motorcycle ride with my husband. WTF. I dont see him going out of his way to fnd a way to take me for a ride himself....so what right does he have to be jealous? He isn't planning to leave his girl and even if he did that doesn't mean he would want to be with me, soooo what right does he have to be upset with me? I guess its sorta cute that he is jealous but I really dont think he has a clue what he wants. He is not 100% happy with her but he loves her. They have a kid together and are in the process of buying a house together. So why is he getting attached to me? and what is he gonna do about it when he finally realizes that he is attached to me? And what do I do? I am getting attached to him as well, even though I know I can never have him. Hell, do I even want him? I don't know. I think I just want him to be smitten with me. I want there to be some dramatic love for me that he cant live without. I want him to think the sun rises and sets with me......but that would be pretty selfish. I mean, until we met he was content in his relationship with his girl....the mother of his son. He still is really...but now he has another option when things get trying at home.

I know he is never gonna leave her, I know that he is never going to put his child in that position. And if tehre is even a hint that she would not agree to letting him have custody...he will stay with that girl for ever and ever. So I am just enjoying having fun with him....but I'm not really having that much fun because he is complicated. He is getting involved with something that he will never get involved with. He is getting attached where he should not be. He is getting jealous where he has no right to be. He is impatient for me to move out but has no intention of being a part of my life when i do. He cares but he is selfish. He is hot then cold. On then off. He is a complicated beautiful person and I cannot figure him out when normally i can read people like open books.

Today not a word from him but went to a great car show. Jeff and I go every year. It is a snobby posh affair at a gated country club. Usually I love going. Today, not so. It was 3 hours in a car getting tickled.....I have been asking him to stop tickling me for 6 years now. Constant chatter at an inaudible level. 3 hours of terrible classic rock i never want to hear again. And 4 hours of snotty rich people with a lifestyle that I will never know. It was like having my nose rubbed in my problems. All the financial issues taht have ruined my marriage just slapping me in the face all day. Then when I think of either Jeff or Brian i get even more aggravated. They both want to take from me but offer nothing in return. Both want me to give them my loyalty and affection and attention and mostly money.....but neither one of them offers comfort or support or loyalty to me. They both offer sex but not real affection. They both mostly think of their own needs almost exclusively. And I am in between the two wanting to make everyone happy but myself. Then i get even more angry with myself for not being as selfisha s they both are. Its my own fault. I open the door and let them both walk all over me. And as defiant as I feel right now...i will let them both do it again tomorrow and teh next day. Well fuck them and fuck me. I need to make changes. I need to find strength. I need to demand better for myself. I am not sure when i will get around to doing that...but it will happen. Tomorrow I will get my office set up. that is a start. that way I can focus on what is really important right now....WORK.

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