Whatever comes will come

Sep 23, 2011

I am feeling alonoe. I have a husband and a boyfriend but I feel alone. I am actually going to say some things I dont want to admit. I miss him. I want to seehim. I want to be where he is right now. I need to jump in or walk away. I want to jump in, but there is nothing to jump into. All that is happening is I am opening myself up to more and more pain. It will end ugly for me. I know that now. I will end up with out a husband or a boyfriend. The husband will hate me instead of staying friends like I would prefer. The boyfriend will move on and not remember me. He will continue on with his life with his girl and I will pass into the memories that dont count. I will attempt to find companionship with a series of men that will be awful experiences and awful people and they wont care about me and I will ove myself even less for it.

But here is what I want.....
A small but charming house. Small but made with the highest quality everything inside. Oozing with taste and charm. I want a decent size yard. Part of it fenced for dogs, a section large enough for my formal garden and an area large enough for a vegetable garden. I want a kitchen that looks out on the veggie garden and a terraced patio that overlooks the formal garden made of old recycled brick. I want a 4 car garage with a G8, a Lancer Ralliart, and a toy for every season. A quad, a motorcycle, a jet-ski, & a snowmobile. I want Brian by my side ready for fun and adventure. I want to help him through his illness and I want him to genuinely appreciate that I am there through it. I want him to tell me I am beautiful...and also call me out on my bullshit. I want his son to know me and love me. I want to laugh and play and have fun with them both. I want a tiny little office with French doors. I can work in there...and everyone knows to leave me alone in my office...but everyone will also know that I am just gonna sit in there and be distracted by the silly things the two of them are doing that I can see through those French doors. I wanna fight for real. I wanna screama nd cuss at eachother...and when its over I wanna cry cause I hate fighting with him...and I want him to put his arms around me because he hates fighting with me but hates seeing me cry even more. I want him to never forget me. I want to be significant to him and him to me. I want to laugh so hard I cant stop and make snorting noises because I am laughing so hard I cant breathe. I want him to call me chicken shit cause he knows it will make me do things I am afraid of. I want him to stick up for me and get pissed cause someone else checks me out.

I want it all.

I will end up with none of it.

I will be hard, and jaded and the few things I still believe in, and have faith in will be taken from me...or rather relinquished by me. I will be strong and callous both in body and in mind......I will have to be to grow old alone and angry.

People will fear me because I will want them to...because they will keep their distance as long as they are afraid. Men will admire me physically but I will be one of those women you dont even consider approaching. I will see beauty around me but have no one to share it with.

In teh end I will be the crazy lady down the street with all the dogs that chases the kids out of her yard.

Damn.

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