Hot & Cold

Sep 26, 2011

Just what the hell?

Here I am doubting again. Not just doubting...but absolutely 100% sure in the idea that this boy does not give one hot shit about me. It's my fault of course. Every time we see eachother in person and are intimate...he goes through a cool spell. He goes through 3-5 days where we barely speak and if we do its very short one word answers. Then he goes right back to normal like nothing was off at all. It happens every time...every single time. By the end of that 3-5 days I am SURE that he is not gonna come around anymore. I get mad...then I get sad..then I get sort of used to it and just as I am resolved to the fact that its over and ready to get my shit back together...up jumps the devil. So we saw eachother thursday, and that night I told him I had a really nice time just hanging out with him. He said he did too. Then Saturday it was just a couple brief texts about motorcycle parts that of course I am helping him get. Then nothing. This morning I was sure he would not message me today...but he did....only to ask about the websites for teh motorcycle parts. Then nothing. I spent the whole day telling myself that he was not gonna text again...and I was right. I dont know why I am angry. I dont have any right to be. I have no claim on him. I have not been given reason to think I am anything more than a bank account with a piece of ass attached. Its just that if he doesn't care...why did he ask me to be his girl? Why did he suggest that we care about eachother if he didnt want me to. Maybe he wants me to care because he can get more out of me if I care. But that does not mean he is gonna reciprocate. Have I really gotten to a point where I really dont trust people anymore? The thing is I was finally STARTING to trust him. I had finally started to buy his bullshit against my gut. I just keeppconfusing myself. I think teh worst and then it turns out I am wrong. Then I tell myself...se you can believe in him a little its safe you were wrong.......then I end up here again. Feeling like an idiot and wishing I were not so fucking stupid. Wishing I had not trusted, not believed. I wish I had teh strength to just stand up and say...hey, I wanna be alone. I dont need a man I dont need a partner...I am strong enough and tough enough to do it on my own. But even though I am strong enough & tough enough..I am stills cared, because I dont want to be lonely. And no matter what, being alone will inevitable result in lonliness. Maybe not all the time and sometimes being alone is a wonderful thing. Its like a no win. If you have a spouse or partner you never get to be alone. If you dont have one...you always have to be alone. I just want someone to respect and cherish me. I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to think I am the bees knees....but I also want someone who will stand up to me and call me on my bullshit and not be afraid of me. I want someone who will stick up for me and protect me but doesn't think I need either protection or sheltering. I want it all. I just want a man who is confident enough in himself to be himself and let me be myself. I know one thing. the next man I meet is not going to know how much money I make. Men are gold diggers every bit as much as women are.

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