Failed Again...

Sep 14, 2015

I have fallen down again in my journey to eating better and overcoming my food addiction.
Tonight, I ate an entire batch of cookies. 1 dozen large brown sugar cookies. 

I made the cookies over the weekend to ship to a friend (long story... I lost a bet and owe him homemade cookies).  I resisted eating them for 2.5 full days.  I packaged up the cookies in disposable packaging, and had them sitting on the kitchen counter and not yet in their shipping box, as I hadn't found the right box size yet.  I looked at them every time I passed by... I considered taking just one, I considered eating them all and I resisted for 2 days. 

Today I failed myself and gave in to the temptation.  I was home alone all night, with a day of eating well all planned out (in advance) on MyFitnessPal.  The cookies have been on my mind for 2 days and nights, and all day while I was at work.  I wasn't hungry; meals were already planned.  I just couldn't stop thinking about the cookies.  I convinced myself that no one would know if I ate all of the cookies, then quickly made another batch in time to ship out to my friend tomorrow.  No one would know, I could get away with it.

For some reason, I didn't stop myself from opening the first half-dozen already nicely packaged for my friend.  The cookies didn't even taste as good as I thought they would.  They were just a clump of baked sugar, flour, and butter.  But I kept eating them.  And eating them.  Before I knew it, half a dozen was gone.  I felt sick to my stomach -- from eating so much and from the amount of PURE SUGAR coursing through my veins.  I grabbed the 2nd half-dozen and brought them into my office. I then ate those over the next hour.

Then, high on sugar and my food addiction feeling satiated, I went back to the kitchen to start whipping up another batch of cookie dough to 'hide' the evidence of my mishap.  I made the cookies, cleaned the kitchen impeccably, and saw no evidence that I had baked another batch of cookies tonight, besides the fresh dozen sitting on the counter.

Over the next several hours, I came to terms with what I did.  I texted my husband and confessed to my binge-eating crime.  I decided that I would come clean on my blog as well.  I logged the main ingredients to the cookies in today's MyFitnessPal entry so I would be forced to SEE how many calories, fat, and sugar that I ate.

Here it is, for you to see as well:

  I ate almost 4,000 calories today as I binged a dozen cookies.  I don't feel good about it.  The sugar rush was not worth the guilt I feel hours later.  The small instant of satisfaction will not be worth the weight loss stall I will have this week because of it.   My surgery is scheduled for 2 weeks from today.  I would like to think that I will not allow myself to eat like this after surgery - since there are much more physical consequences for eating this way.  I feel like I may have started by post-surgery dieting too early, and without the TOOL of surgery in place, I am failing at it and self-sabotaging like I have done with diets in the past.   The final step I am going to take to make sure this never happens again is somewhat extreme: I have thrown away the sugar and brown sugar that is in the house.  We now only have Stevia packets.  This is the 2nd cookie/cookie dough incident now, and I clearly cannot trust myself with sugar in the house!  With that gone, we have no high-sugar items left in the entire house.   Is there any reason I will need White Flour post-op?

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