Oct 12, 2010 - Just Asking Questions...

Oct 12, 2010

So this is the first step, I guess.  I've asked my doctor about gastric bypass. 

I was a little chubby as a kid, but not "fat" by any stretch.  In high school I began to fall into some bad traps, mentally - I discovered tricks that help give me control over my weight - not eating, eating only extremely low calorie foods, and working out excessively.  At 17, I moved out and into a job at a horse farm, and the heavy physical work I was now doing 50 hours/wk brought me down to a fit size 7 - 130 lbs that I maintained on a 5'6" frame for several years.  When I left that job after a couple years, I began working out obsessively - one or more 45 min high impact cardio daily, and strength training, though I still thought I was fat.

I was in my early twenties when I began dating the love of my life, and coincidentally, I think, it was then when I went on a 2 week vacation, skipping the gym for the duration.  For some reason I never really picked back up.  It was slow at first - maybe 5 lbs a year, but I was still trim.  By my late twenties, both the love and the lean physique were gone.  After ending a 6-year stint as a letter carrier, I was shocked at how quickly the weight started really piling on.  It seemed to happen with everyone that left their jobs carrying mail.  I remember packing on 15 lbs in the first month.  From that point, it was slow and steady.  Unlike when I was 21 and could will myself to lose 10 lbs in a week (obviously, not in a healthy way), the times I'd drop, it would be back on a few months later plus another 5 or 10.

At 27 I went back to school and put myself through a university degree, during which time I also founded a non-profit animal rescue.  That period was tough period, due to some personal situations - I was already feeling the mental impact of having become officially "fluffy", and it all seemed to blend in a synergistic way.  Another 5, another 10.  Sometimes I'd finish a year 25 lbs more than I started it.  At about 200, I started to avoid the scales.  I did make a few really good efforts to lose weight during this whole time, and even dropped from about 240 to just over 200 at one point, 3 years ago.  It's all back and then some.

I last weighed in at a nice round 245 lbs, at 5'6".  That's over 100 lbs of padding I'm carrying over the frame I maintained for years.  That life seems as far away as that physique.  Ever since working hard enough for long enough to lose over 30 lbs for almost a year, but ending up with it back plus more, I've really wondered if it's possible - I know how, I know I want to - but I just can't seem to do it.  Over the last year, I've found it harder and harder not to resign myself to the idea that I am going to be fat for the rest of my life.

Then, a few weeks ago, my new roommate let me know about some changes going on in her life that will affect myself and our other roomie - she's having a gastric bypass on November 4.  I was surprised, mostly because I didn't really think she was THAT big - but also really curious.  I didn't know before that that our healthcare system is now covering it.  I didn't know they did it on people that weren't 600 lbs and dying of the related health problems.  She's in her twenties and big, but not...spherical...

So weeks of questions finally culminated in a big decision, and last week I asked my doctor about it.  The nurse that triages patients before the doctor sees them was openly disapproving, telling me with raised brows "there's no quick fix" and advising that it's all about intake and output...a bit tenuous to listen to, having a background in BioMed and being a pretty intelligent person.  No kidding.  What my roommate's and my conversations really made me realize is - I have not been able to do this.  Not for lack of understanding of laws of physics or not knowing that eating crap and not exercising makes you gain weight.  I resent this weight more than anything, I am a serial researcher and educated and I know not just about thermodynamics but even what kind of workout routine I should be doing.  I have even managed to rally up enough whatever-you-want-to-call-it to go on extended good weight loss lifestyle changes, and gotten good starts a few times on losing.  But here I am today, over 40, and probably riding 250 lbs.  I don't want to take a "cop-out".  I'm not looking for a quick fix, nor am I lazy (most days).  I don't want to be fat anymore, I don't like having sore joints when I am active and not being able to bend over and reach my phone if it falls on the floor of the car, I don't want to be 60 and fat, and clearly, I have not been able to do it!  I would rather look into getting a surgical procedure that will help me to lose the fat suit I've been wearing for over 10 years, and focus on learning how to keep it off, stay healthier and not let this happen again, than be stubborn and refuse to look at help that's out there, and end up being maybe 350 lbs at age 60, and dead before 70.

My mother is extremely fit, and a few years ago, she climbed Kilimanjaro - in her seventies.  Something I surely could not do.  She ocean kayaks and does outdoor trek type tours all over the world.  I LOVE to travel - but being fat, these are things I could not at this time do.

I guess I may have to explore the reasons this happened, why I was bullemic, why I am an emotional eater...suffice to say I had a severely dysfunctional childhood.  I've been told by my roommate that they are pretty firm about making sure you have a support network before they'll clear you for this, and I plan to be honest.  The family members I haven't removed from my life (and those I have) would not approve one bit.  It would be a "figures" attitude.  Figures I'd take the easy way out instead of just getting off my can, instead of just not filling my face.  I would not want to involve my family in any way - though I do have some great friends.  Of course nobody wants to be judged unfairly, but on the other hand, the dysfunction of these same people and the way they treated me for many years is no doubt a big part of why I abuse food.  I still have to get over - REALLY get over - my own nagging doubt that I'm looking at the lazy solution - I know that's not the case, at least superficially...but you can't always control your own inner demons.  Either way, I can say that I'm comfortable with where I'm at now - I'm considering seeing if I can have gastric bypass surgery, and the idea of being able to really change my life in a way that I've not been able to on my own, is scary - but it's also somehow peacefully exciting.

My doctor agreed to refer me.  I have to ask my roommate for more information on exactly how to get the ball rolling - my doctor told me to get the contact info, and she'll send it off.  I'm not making any commitment, I haven't even made up my mind to pursue it.  I'm just looking into it.  Just asking questions.

We'll see what happens next...

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