JennaKopanyi

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So my brother cancelled on me. Again. Shock.

Now my evening plan is:
Go to Curve's
Go to Costco and pick up the tuna and protein bars I forgot to buy on Friday
Go to Bob Evan's for dinner
Head to support group at FMH

Anyone wanna join me?

I don't know how or why, but I am excited. I was stuck between 140.5 and 143 for about a month, and while I know that 143 is significantly better than 229 (my weight this time last year) I knew I could do better, I knew I wasn't done yet.

One of my OH mentors/friends suggested increasing my calorie level/protein intake for 2 weeks to see if this was due to starvation mode. I'm up to 6 small meals a day (some of them are still shakes) with a min of 100gms protein. I'm taking in 1000-1200 calories a day (scary thought!) and its been about a week now. The weight is coming off rapidly again.

I was also having some bathroom issues that I sent out an SOS on as a discussion topic. I've also added benefiber/metamucil type powders to my diet during this past week along with some colace. Could be a contributing factor in my weight loss... I think that my low carb diet was significantly reducing my fiber intake. I've upped my complex carbs with my calories/protein and I feel better. Significantly less dizzy spells. Bathroom issues are better. So that's all great.

The last change in my life was my husband getting fired over being one of the last decent human beings in this world. The change in our financial status hasn't hurt us yet, but it's hit home and is part of my mindset. Probably why I've not turned to food (food costs money, and the kind I can eat costs more than the junk I can't eat). I'm trying to stay active so I don't have to think about it as much. I really wish I belonged to a gym with a punching bag or boxing ring. Alas I go to Curve's and while it would be awesome, I can't afford to re-enroll in martial arts at this time (those classes were half my life ago! I was 14-15) but I'd like to. I'll have to see what their fees are opposed to a gym when my contract is up in September :)

I'm not starving myself, or working out mindlessly, or using laxatives to get a bulimic effect to encourage this weight loss, but somehow I've lost 5 pounds in the past few days. Not sure which is the reason or if it's a combo of small or all, but it's nice to have silver lining right now. I'm saving entering my weight til Monday since I usually enter it Fridays and Mondays. I've been monitoring it daily with the diet changes those, it's the control freak in me.

Monday's support group discussion is "celebrating our successes" which couldn't come at a better time. despite the job situation, I do feel like we are in a better place than we were this time last year. My husband is down 50 pounds since the last time he weighed himself on the wii, 75 from the last time he weighed himself at his moms, and he weighs less than I did this time last year (and he's nearly a foot taller than me!) he's about 20 pounds from normal (I'm 11 from goal) and we're both in the mindset that this weight (on each of us) is perfectly acceptable, but if we can flatten our bellies some more that would be even better. DH has not had WLS, he just eats better and smaller portions cuz I do and it's convenient to eat what I cook :) Isn't he great?

I am very upset right now, but I can't let it show, at least not to my husband. I don't blame him, of course, but he needs me strong and supportive, not falling apart. But I need to say that I am not okay and I'm a little scared no matter how many positive platitudes I have for him and the optimism I show him.

My husband was fired last night from the corrupt computer refurbishing business he started at late last year.
The company he had been at moved to Richmond so he had to find a new job. Todd loves computers and they offered to train him on fixing them and doing a bunch of technical stuff I smile and nod to. It seemed like a good fit. Then things got sketchy.

*They told him that his training was unpaid since people pay money to get the skills they are giving him
*They made him work 6 day weeks, he only stopped that recently because sundays were only 6 hour days and he was able to clear his workload by Friday, and he missed having us time
*They docked another employees pay to like $7/hr for a month because of a human error
*They make fradulent claims with Dell and UPS
*At the company holiday party we found out that even though they have been in business for 7+ years, the most senior employee has only been there 2 years. Everyone else at our table had been there a matter of weeks or months

My husband's job was returns, computers came in and he repaired them to be sent back out. They also had him filing these fradulent claims. The most recent one was a UPS claim for $5,000. The company bought a known defective part, insured it, and then claimed it was damaged in transit. My husband was made to file this claim. And every day when he came into work the owner asked if he'd gotten his $5,000 yet. About a week ago, my DH called UPS on his lunch break from his car and told them not to approve the claim and why. He asked to have his name kept out of it, but they wouldn't listen to him until he gave his name. The next night after work he met with a UPS security specialist and a police officer at a coffee shop to give full details. The officer wanted to get the Feds involved since fraud is a federal offense, but they didn't have enough proof, so Todd was sent back as a mole. He was also compiling evidence for Dell and plans to call them once he gets a new job since that's a higher priority at the moment, call us selfish. He's calling UPS today to make sure they are aware that he's been fired because I am willing to bet that the denied claim came through yesterday and that triggered his firing.
Officially, he was fired because he wasn't completing enough returns. A week and a half ago, the guy who worked the storefront stopped coming in, and they were having Todd take over that area. Since you have to deal with customers all day at random intervals, there is no time to go work on anything else, and no one to cover you, so obviously, his work didn't get done. They also said that he wasn't making them enough money to justify his wages (ie, "You failed to get us our $5,000 claim). Whether they know he reported them or not, we don't know, but we are both positive that the reason they let him go was because of it.

I don't know what kind of rights he has, so at this point, UPS has the documented fraud, he's gotten a hair cut, and he's going job hunting today. He filed for unemployment this morning. It's a suck situation, we don't have a lot of money, in fact we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. So this is a stressful time for my family even though I can't let it show at home. I hope it resolves itself quickly and he gets a new job soon. He's been planning to leave once he found something, and he's never been fired before, I worry about how much this is affecting him and if he's holding back as much as I am.

I really, really want to hit something... but at least I'm not hungry or stress eating

I know I complain a bit about the family I was born into... especially about my older brother being too busy for our kids to spend time together. I ranted a bit about that on Sunday when I was visiting my cousins at their farm.
I was showing my 2 year old the animals at the barn with one of my cousins, hoping to help him get over his fear of them. The horses he gave a respectful distance to, he loved the barn kitties, the miniature donkeys terrified him, as did the sheep, and I blame my cousin for the baby lamb scaring him (she jumped in the pen startling mother and baby and then picked up the baby who kicked and bucked the whole time-- you'd think she wasn't raised on a farm!)
While we were standing near the horses she was asking about Trevor's birthday party and if my brother came. I let my real feeling slip and told her, "Oh no, they are far too busy for that sort of thing!" and then she told me that my brother asked if he could bring the boys over to the farm that day to practice their skating/hockey on the pond! Jerk.
So we went on about that for a while and now she's irritated by the way he treats me and the fact that he has no interest in letting making time for our kids to get to know each other (and it makes me sad! I'm very close to all of my cousins-- at least the ones I like/claim-- and my son isn't going to have that). So Alicia (cousin) suggested that we make play dates at the farm (which is a mid-way point between her house and mine) with her fiancee's boys and my son so he can have cousins that spend time with him and play with him. They are close to the same age as my nephews.

I feel like my brother is a lost cause. I never did anything bad to him, I don't know why he has no interest in being a family or even making an effort. I want to wash my hands of the situation, but even if they only say come on over 1 out of every 10 times I try, isn't that worth it so that my son can get to know his cousins? So frustrated.

My cousins consist of 4 siblings, with my aunt and uncle still married. The eldest is married with a 4 month old baby boy, they live closer to me than to his parents, but he's still there every weekend. This Sunday included. The next in line lives in a house next door to her parents. She's getting married 09-10-11 and is my age. We were very close growing up and I think we'll be able to reestablish that bond now that I'm making an effort to reconnect with people instead of hiding. The barn in on her property, and she's always visiting with her parents. The third child (the cousin from paragraph one) lives about a half hour from her parents, is engaged, has a 6 month old baby girl and two step-sons. She comes over almost every weekend too. The youngest lives in a garage apartment next to her parents house. She's the farm girl and makes sure everything runs smoothly and goes to college too. Every single one of them was at the house  and 2 of the significant others too. We sat around and played apples to apples and had a wonderful time!
The ladies all remarked on my weight loss (of course, most haven't seen me since September)
a bit of a difference in me. They are all very happy for me, and I felt their sincerity. The first picture was taken at the pig roast last year at the farm. The evil cryface thing is my son, and that's my dad next to us, isn't he adorable? Even squinty eyed?!

My aunt asked me how much more I planned to lose. I braced myself, waiting to be told it was too much or unrealistic, but when I said about 15 more pounds, she smiled and nodded and said that should be about right. She also has trouble understanding that i weight 140 right now (she thinks the scale is lying and I weigh a lot less). Isn't she the sweetest? She's the first person to ask me what my goal was without intent of talking me out of it (at least first person not having had WLS). I feel all warm and tingly and just wanted to share.

Baby-beast and I had a great afternoon at the farm, and hope it is the start of many more. They are only a 45 minute drive away.

When I was in college, I bought 2 of the Mari Windsor Pilates tapes and my roommate and I tried to do them... occassionally... the fact that neither of us had very strong abdominals made the "Advanced Sculpting" video impossible and very, very discouraging. The 20 minute video I could do all but one exercise and I really enjoyed it (I just had troule getting started, but loved it when I was doing it).

Now, I can do almost all those annoying "power house challenging" exercises. BUT I can't do any that require me to roll on my tailbone. Due to even less padding down there, I can't roll my tailbone on the floor! Its hurts like hell, and I'm gonna have a bruised a$$ tomorrow! I had no idea it stuck out so much now... whereas i once could balance happily on my sitting bones (ishium, i believe?) now such a balance cannot exist, I am a freaking tripod! This can't be normal!

Now I have to find someone who first owns a VCR still and second acually enjoys pilates to take them off my hands. Do I have any takers?

I'll be sticking to Jillian Michaels and belly dancing videos from here on out. Sigh.

I am officially out of Nectar- Pink Grapefruit

Running low on Fruit Punch and Tropical Mango (less wah) have lots of chocolate at the moment.

I am definately buying a 5 pound bag of Matrix Mint Cookie, and a 2 lb can of Orange Cream. But I need a Nectar (Sometimes you just need juice flavored!) So cast your vote! I'm torn between more Pink Grapefruit or Roadside Lemonade. IN theory I'd love Twisted Cherry but they didn't send me that sample and after trying the Green Apple Ecstasy Sample I learned that just because I like someone in real life, doesn't mean I will like it as a protein powder.

So cast your vote! Your opinion matters... to me!

Also, www.premiernutrition.com is sending me powder and bar samples (for free!) send them an email! What have you got to lose? Also trying to get www.questproteinbar.com/freeoffer/index.asp to send me some. Haven't heard back from them. If I like the Premier Nutrition ones, then Teddi will have to take me to Sam's to buy them...

I started writing again.

I’ve been getting a lot of positive comments about my style on my blogs and in my forum posts on OH. My feelings of self-expression are more than the overly-dramatic self-deprecating voice I used to have. My friends, while discussing their own writing with me and wanting to compare notes on how I get my ideas out and organized have not only given me more idea on how to structure my own work, but also the motivation to get into it once more. Though I doubt that was the intent (no matter how self-centered I may be), one can’t argue with the results.

One suggestion/question was “do you ever use RPG character sheets to outline your characters and make sure you stick with the way you originally envisioned them?” Never thought about doing that, I’m not a gamer. Many of my friends are, my husband is, but not me. Too many rules for this young story teller.

Then I asked my husband for a character sheet. I asked him online so I was robbed of seeing his expression, because I’ll bet it was priceless. After much discussion he chose a game sheet that was more story centered than that other thing.... Of course it neglects basic info like physical appearance, but I found a solution for that too (maybe I should have asked Wulf for a Serenia character sheet... I think those have what I need...). I collect very artistic friends, one of which draws people exceptionally well. She and I are now working together to get character sketches of my 6 characters for this book. In deciding this, I realized I needed to go back through what I have so far and pull out the character descriptions I had already in the story, which lead me to realize that I need more, I slacked on that. So I’ve been adding those in, making the story better all around and changing up some words, taking out some things and just generally improving. The prologue and first two chapters have been sent to her, and I’m ready to dig in to chapter 3. I am falling in love with my story (one of many) all over again and can’t wait to see what happens next. I know basically where it’s going and how I want it to end, but all the stuff in the middle, the journey to get there? I love figuring it out one word at a time. I only wish I had more time for it, but my son does not allow me to do my own thing (he’s 2) at home, so I have to fit it in on my breaks at work or when my husband is in charge of the little one.

I’ve said it a thousand times, but I really think I will finish it this year. I’m feeling very optimistic and I have my friends to thanks. Love to you all!!!

 

Teddi, please share this post with Wulf, with my gratitude :)

I don't know if I made up the term, but I'm fed up with them! Every time I try to go past a deca-pound into the next, I stall. I did at before one-derland, I did it when I got under 150. Right now I am struggling to get under 140. I got close, got to 141 then it rubberbanded up 2 pounds, now they're gone, but I'm at 141.8.
I'd really like to get to the 130's this month because I'd like to hit goal by my 9 month surgiversary April 19th. I'm fairly sure I can do it, it's just getting over this 140 hump... and I'll fight with it for days (sometimes weeks) and then one day I'll get on the scale and be 2 pounds into the next deca-pound marker (meaning I'll get nothing but 141 for a while then 138 all of a sudden). I really want to see it happen! I am sooooo impatient! :) Every deca-pound mark is such a huge accomplishment, and I've only got 2 more to go through, so now it's a race against myself.

I'm having a little trouble finding the right calorie balance though... I wonder if I'm eating too much or too little or too much at certain meals and too little at others... if I'm exercising enough or if I exercise too much... The only plastics I'll need is a breast lift when all is said and done, so I know I should be very, very proud of myself, but I get so distracted by "what's next?" It also scares me a little that one day I'll not only reach my goal, but what will I do when I get there?

I have some fear of not being able to stop, with the mind set, I came this far, I beat my surgeons goal by this much, how much better can I do? I have certain people I know I can trust to tell me if I've gone too far, but will I listen at that point?

My other fear is that when I get too close to goal that I'll sabotage myself. That there's still that damaged girl inside of me who doesn't want to see me succeed, to reach my goals, to be happy, that I just don't deserve it. I always felt that being obese/diabetic was punishment for something. This is my personal theory, for my personal self, not to be applied to anyone who isn't me (unless you feel it, but in no way do I try to assign this to anyone else).
And if I get to be thin and healthy, is my punishment over? Do I understand that I deserve to live this life? In this body? I'm still bowled over almost every day by the fact that I married the man I did. He's everything I ever wanted and never felt I deserved. He's a good person, and so sweet. If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I'm a good person, or at least I haven't been. Since I met him I try harder. I'm selfish enough to keep him whether I deserve him or not. Maybe if I just apply this philosophy to my new weight/body everything will work out for the best as my marriage has?

Okay. Done for now.

Just wanted to say Happy Love Day to everyone.

I cannot believe that this Valentines Day I weigh 142 pounds, and last year I weighed 229. I love my transformation so much that I had pictures taken and I gave them to my husband as his gift in a book. He loves it! I gave it to him yesterday (we celebrated yesterday since we don't have much time together on work days)

Yes, I'll take down my bedroom avie after today, but for now, I'm so proud of my pictures I wanted to share.
The whole time I was creating the book and cropping my pictures I was just so happy with how I looked. It was really me, I wore no make-up that I don't usually wear, I took a little more care with my hair, but in the end, it was just me and I look amazing. I feel beautiful. People tell me all the time that I'm so skinny or thin or I'm wasting away, but no one has really told me just how beautiful I have become. I guess it's either taken for granted or I was always seen that way by them, but I finally feel it, and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

I don't trust mirrors, I trust pictures. I can lie to myself in a mirror but I can't do that with a picture. I guess because it's a moment captured in time, I can turn this way or that and say, oh it's just the angle. I have 155 pictures to attest to this new wonderous feeling. I am so happy I did this for myself, my husband, my son, and my life.

Darn it all, the time has come to replace my work badge. Apparently the silly thing isn't working anymore. Since they are getting me a new one, they've also realized that this...  ... is not an accurate representation of my appearance THANKS THE GODS! So I just got my new picture taken, not sure how bad it is, but anything will be better that that. And this is how I look most days now