Comparing myself to otheres...

May 09, 2011

SUCKS!!!!!

I try not too but its hard. My younger cousin got her VSG 6 weeks before me and is down 70 pounds. She's a fast loser and me, well I'm right on schedule. My grandfather is CONSTANTLY on me asking "why you no lose as much as (cousin)?" or "Maybe you should eat what she eats." "Eat slower." "Don't eat that." "Are you sure you can eat that?" It drives me INSANE. Just about everyone has an opinion on what I should or should'nt be doing.

The thing is I'm VERY happy with my loss so far. I'm average when it comes to the speed of weightloss with the Sleeve. I feel good. My ugly eating disorder hasn't reared its ugly head. I'm content and balanced. When I mean balanced I refer to my eating disorder... Bingeing Disorder. Its caused when you are "unbalanced" you probably all know when your on a strict diet during the week and then go hog wild crazy during the weekends. Going to one side of the spectrum to the other. That was me for over 2 years. I hated it and I hurt myself with food. I'de use diaretics and diet teas to lose huge chunks of weight then go on a binge and gain it back and then some. My darkest days were when I would eat so much my stomach hurt and to punish myself for overeating I would drink a tall glass of water to make the pain worse. Basically, I punished myself with food instead of enjoying it, instead of fueling my body.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm happy. I'm not depriving myself. I'm eating to the letter of my doctors orders. Yes, I could be "stricter" with myself but I don't want too. I don't want to get all hyped up on one side of that spectrum, then fall off the wagon and repeat the cycle. SO NOT WORTH IT.

My grandfathers a smart, educated man. Yesterday when I was Bar-B-Qing he was on me and I sort of snapped. He told me "you better be doing good on your diet because your not losing enough weight." I told him back, "Look if I could get this weight off faster I would. I'm doing everything right. I'm not going to put my body and mental health in jeopardy because you feel I'm not losing weight fast enough. This is how it is and I'm VERY happy with my weightloss."

I said it pretty bitchy. lol

He was quiet and then he said, "I just want you to lose this weight and keep it off forever." I knew why now he was so hard on me... my cousin had RNY three years ago and is still struggling with her weight. My grandmother had VBG and is struggling as well. He doesn't want me to end up like them.

I know that this weight isn't going to come off over night. I'm going to need to do my part to get it off. Every day is a struggle and my Sleeve makes it easier. But even when I get down to my goal weight I'm STILL going to struggle with this weight. I'm ALWAYS going to have a apart of me that's going to be careful with what I eat and how I eat.

I can't please everyone BUT... I can just please myself. I'm on this journey and I'm putting in the work and will reap the rewards... Not them. I NEED to keep that in mind or I will go crazy. lol As long as I'm happy and I'm making it happen, thats all that matters.

Sorry for the rant. Just needed to let that out into cyber space and I'm sure I'm not the only one going through this.

Everyone Take Care
Kristen

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