I was recently doing some reading on motivation because I realize that I am so close to my plastic surgery goal but will not be able to afford the plastic surgery possible for years! I'm finding is easier to eat wrong and walk less because of the "I cant do this for years, if ever, so why keep as much track" mentality I am starting to get. I know logically that I cant get to 150 with 40 pounds of skin without actually becoming underweight. Ive become so scared of becoming underweight that not losing anymore is starting to be OK with me. Ive met so many goals I have set that it is getting hard to set more. My last two are under 200 and plastic surgery. So what am I going to do when I'm 199 and the only other goal I may never be able to afford to do? I was at first excited when I was cleared to train with the c25k program last month, then the same thing happened, I cant go so why bother. I know there are other 5ks I can run but they don't interest me, only the Zombie Run does.  

I have actually started to think about planning our own, albeit small, local zombie run to give myself a reason to do it again. I have started applying to every grant program I can find that pays for plastic surgery after WLS. But I know that there are 1000s applying also and I have never had gambling luck. I guess what it comes down too is I have no clue what to do next. I know I am waiting to get the this winters heat caused financial stress crap over with and then I am going to look at the gym thing.   

I will read more and find something I hope to refocus my goals. I do have a few other goals but all of them are things like trips, sports I could never do before, paintball etc. All of them cost money and with 500.00 heating bills in the winter they are not good motivators. I need help with focus and I don't know where to even start looking.

 A eulogy, from moms to their kids:
I died today. I just thought I would let you know as you have been so busy wrapped up in your new “adult” world you didn't notice. That's okay, I know you have so many important things and people in your life right now, and you just didn't have the time to take care of your longest relationships. I know people can still see me, and hear me talking, but its not really me anymore. I didn't want you to forget the little things that make life so worth living so I thought I would create a reminder of the things I have found to be important.

One
I know this will sound like something we should all know but that doesn't mean it really hits home until something happens. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can either be subtle or right in your face. Have you ever been told or told someone "This will hurt me more then it hurts you"? I’m sure we all have, but do we really believe it? You should because there exists a pain that can really kill someone other than you. I don't just mean the pain you can experience with a fight, or falling down, or the shots we made you get as a kid. I mean the gut-wrenching, your heart has cut out of you sort of pain you get with true loss. You may think you have suffered loss, and I have realized I could not and cannot protect you from everything.

Two
Adults have responsibilities. When you are a kid, you can choose not to buy food, clothes, electricity, or medications, because there is someone there to take care of it. As a worst-case scenario a parent not buying food, clothes and medical care gets the child(ren) taken away and put in foster care. So what do we do with kids that need things but there is no extra money, simply put: we do without. We skip meals so that you can eat. We spend hours being treated as less than human and looked down upon at Social Services to get you medical. We wear the same clothes for five years for you to be able to have new school clothes every year. And we neglect our medical and dental needs because we can only pay for one and you are it. We listen to the “I Hate You” rants and the “I Wish so-and-so were my parents” whining, and still we as parents don't eat and we sit in the cold during the day so there is enough heat and food to give you at night. Even before I had kids I had to be responsible to others, and that's leads us to...

Three
Adults have rules. As kids we all believed that once we turned 18 we wouldn't have rules anymore... and we were wrong. Some of the rules are easy to understand, such as: don't drink and drive, red light means stop, don't go to class naked and chew with your mouth closed if you ever want a date. Others not so easy, utilities have to be paid or no utilities, you must eat food or you will die but some food will kill you faster, and my personal favorite, even if you have medical insurance they don't have to pay for everything you may need. As you grow up we try to help you make good decisions, teach you about the rules, and no matter what you think, we have already been there, and in some cases, still are. We may have even been in worse places, but you won’t know about it or understand it because we’ve protected you from it as children. As parents, our entire existence is not centered around making your life hard, it is centered around making your life better then ours was. Now that brings us to something very important and often forgotten.

Four
Trust is easily given but difficult to recover. I would love to tell you that you will make mistakes, learn from them, and everyone will treat you the same and say “Good Job”, but that would be a lie. If you have a caring, trustworthy and likable demeanor you will find it easy for people to like you and trust you. Keeping this will help you get far in this world and you will find yourself surrounded by people that will defend and protect you no matter what, you will find yourself supported in all you do. However, once that trust is lost it is easy to not care about the trust others people might still have in you. You take one of the most valuable things you own, your word, and make is cheap and dirty and It then becomes easy to set aside as more and more people lose faith in you. What you have left is loneliness and failure because word of a loss of honor, weather intended or not, spreads faster then any wildfire and can linger long after someones improvement or demise. What can be worse is that those that placed their trust in you can also be associated with that loss and now their honor is also under question. You not only affect your life but the lives of those who cared most for you.

Five
The “magical age” of 18 does not make you an adult. Before you argue, allow me to elaborate. I'm not talking about acting your age or making good choices, I'm talking about the government, school and society in general. At 18 you can buy tobacco, register for the draft, join the military, and go to college, BUT, until you are 25 you are still a dependant. You can’t fill out a FAFSA for school money, you cant get car insurance for a reasonable price and just try to sign a lease or buy a car without a co-signer. Our society wants you to be adults at 18 but has figured out that our lifestyle now is not the same as 100 years ago and you aren't responsible with it. So from 18-25 you are in the trial adult stage to prove you are an adult. What should be happening is college, jobs, dating, responsibility etc, but what we know really happens during this time is rebellion, laziness, attitude and in many cases criminal behavior. There is a reason most incarcerated people are males 18-25 years of age. So where does that leave us? Waiting until you turn 26 in hopes the brain will re-engage?

Six
People will not wait forever for your brain to re-engage. Believe it or not, parents are people too. It may take us longer to separate our lives from yours than the average roommate who will just kick you out when you have no money for rent. It may take more time, but it will happen. Very few of us will actually let you push us down over and over again forever, and I will bet that most of you do NOT have one of those parents. This will sound harsh, but if you have brothers or sisters it will happen faster. No one likes to admit it, but we all feel this lingering evolutionary instinct which is left over from when we were living in caves discovering fire, an that is: we must put the most effort in the ones that want AND act like they want to be saved. That's it, you now know every parent’s dirty little secret, the one we hide even from ourselves. We want our entire family to thrive and succeed but if for some reason, no matter how much help we get or give, and if they don't we will cull the herd, so to speak, and put our limited resources elsewhere.

I know there are countless more lessons I could cover here, but these five things are the hardest and most painful lessons I can think to give you right now. If only these five things were truly understood by the time you turn 18 your other rules and choices could be easy.

There is one other thing that I, personally, have learned while recording this for future generations...

I started this off wrong. What I meant was YOU died today, and I just thought I should let you know because you have been so busy wrapped up in your new “adult” world you didn't notice. That's okay, I know you have so many important things and people in your life right now and you just didn't have the time to take care of your longest relationships.  I know people can still see you, and hear you talking, but it’s not really you anymore. I didn't want you to forget the little things that make life so worth living so I thought I would create a reminder of the things I have found to be important...

I know I haven't been on here in a bit. I have all new recipes we have tried to post and Jenna and I will be working on the actual blog soon. You will be able to find all our recipes, at least the good ones, and products we like.

Today is the one year surgiversary. This day 2010 I was being wheeled into a room to have my guts rearranged. Hardest and most important thing I have ever done for my family, and it saved my life. I'm down 205 pounds and living life with my kids instead of watching them live it for me. Never thought I would wear a sexy Halloween costume (my profile pict), so many goals accomplished so its time to set some more. I will see how soon I can get new pict up. I have my one year followup on the 17th, so here is to hoping all the blood work is good.

Halloween was AMAZING! I have not in 20+ years wore such a sexy costume! We had a bunch of snow come in and limited the attendance to the party but it did not stop it. My household rocks! We had many spend the night, mostly people that were snowed in or lived very close. We had a lot of bariatric friendly food and everyone loved it, even the non-ops. The biggest issue was the amazing outside decor had to be set aside some because of the added decoration from mother nature. The big freaking tree that fell! We are still cutting it up. We asked for fire wood and mother nature provided. Next time I hope she delivers it cut up, and not on my shed. I am very happy she missed the house tho.

I cant wait to see what is in store for me this next 12 months.