MickATL
When the cat's away, the fat mice play
Apr 19, 2010
Jack had to go to Philadelphia for a business trip yesterday. I dropped him off at the airport yesterday and got myself busy with different things. For some reason, I felt the need to go to the grocery store at 8:30p. Red Flag. I got some milk and cookies and even a chocolate bar. I sat in the cookie aisle reading labels and lamenting over them. I love these chocolate pinwheel cookies that have marshmallows insde. Oh my gosh... the calories in those suckers. I used to eat a whole package in one sitting. I think it was 2,000+ calories. Well, I decide to buy some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies in the bakery section because those must be better quality cookies. Yeah right.
Some how, through the course of the evening, I ate that entire package of cookies!
It was grazing at it's finest. Or worst. Depending on how you look at it.
Was my band working correctly? I think so. I was eating around it. Chewing up something well enough to go through it and waiting long enough before I ate the next cookie, or three.
All of this just tells me that I still have a fat man trapped in a thinner person's body. I wish the surgeon WOULD have operated on my brain at the same time he worked on my stomach. It might have made some of these struggles easier. This really isn't my surgery failing me. It's me failing my surgery. I have a responsibility to THINK before I eat. No surgery does that for us. Gastric bypass doesn't come with a food scanner that tells you what's a good food and what's not. Even if it did, you could still buy it. This is the long term challenge we face. That package of cookies didn't make me physically ill. I just don't like feeling as though I keep repeating old behaviors.
Of course, that's why I blog about it. It helps me reflect and try to figure out what the heck I'm doing. I really think that I try to convince myself that either I deserve these treats because I've been doing so good (exercising and eating healthy) or I deserve them. Both are a stupid form of self justification. It's what I did when I was obese. Again, reverting to old behaviors. In reality, I deserve have what I REALLY want which is to be thin and healthy. These impuslive behaviors aren't going to get me there. They are deterents.
It seems my biggest challenge is 8pm -- bedtime-- aka nightime snacking. I need to figure out a strategy to deal with that. The best thing that works for me is replacing a bad habbit with a healthy one. So, I need to think about that and come up with a new healthier habbit.
I figure, if I do an hour of cardio everyday this week, and don't take anymore night time rides to the grocery store, I can burn off those cookies (and that candy bar) I ate last night. Is it the most horrible thing ever? No. But I want to get myself in the best shape I can for my wedding. I need to keep that goal at the forefront of my thought process instead of "instant gratification" thoughts that seem to creep in late at night.
