It was my back

Dec 20, 2010

It has been quite a while since I have posted on my blog. Normally, when I am not actively posting on my OH journal, it's not a good sign. By that, I mean I am usually not actively engaged in my WLS journey. I was just re-reading a few of my most recent posts. Maybe I should have been re-reading those before. I had/have been struggling for a while now. Why can't I find the will power to exercise like I did? Why am I struggling with my portions, food choices, etc.? Where did the passion for health and wellness go?

I am going to take these topics on individually because I think they are each affected by different things. I found out about 2 months ago that I had a herniated disc in my low back (L5/S1) and it was driving me crazy with terrible shooting pains down my left leg from my pelvic bone all the way to behind the knee cap. Maybe this has been going on for a while before the nerve pain really got out of control. I ended up trying more cortisone shots but got very lSo ittle relief. On 11/10, I had surgery (micro-discectomy) to remove the part of the disc that was pressing against the nerve and the pain was gone. I have not started PT yet but I am optimistic that the problem is resolved. At least that one is.

The mental/emotional one is more perplexing to me. My relationship with food is frustrating me. Because I have one now. I need to kick food to the curb and move on. Why am I an emotional eater again? I believe it's two-fold. When I am unable to exercise, I do not have a way to channel pent up anxiety and it festers inside. Exercise is an excellent way to burn extra calories but it also became a way for me to channel my frustrations in a positive way. Instead of sitting on the sofa for an hour eating chips, I would sit on my exercise bike and sweat it out. It's like re-directing that energy for good instead of evil. The other thing that I think is going on with me has to do with the anti-depression meds I have been taking. If I looked at my weight charts on FitDay.com, I can draw a distinct correlation between weight gain and/or struggle with when I started taking them. It's like I've lost the internal traffic cop that I used to have. I'm not depressed anymore which is a wonderful thing but... there's a point where I need to figure out a new solution. 

Being diagnosed bi-polar after I lost all my weight was a mixed blessing. It explained how I found so much energy, focus and determination to lose 140 lbs in 6 months with my band. Maybe it was a manic thing. I was beyond focussed on what I ate and exercising ever day. Being too obsessed with the scale is not healthy but not caring isn't good either. Finding balance in life is what I want to strive for. I truly believe that healthy behaviors will lead to long term success with WLS. If I can find a healthy mix of measuring portions, planning healthy meals and getting in enough exercise, everything will work itself out. Sure, taking a vitamin everyday, getting in my water, chewing my food and all those other "guidelines" are really important. They have almost become 2nd nature to me. I don't dismiss or minimize them either. For me, the BIG THREE are measured portions, healthy food choices and regular exercise. When I do those things, it's all good.

I see my therapist today. I'm going to talk to her about a gradual reduction from my meds. I really want to get myself back downstairs regularly. I feel like I did after my motorcycle accident-- like I am starting over. Almost re-learning behaviors. In a way, it is a good thing. The real challenge for me is finding the inspiration to live a healthy lifestyle.

I have to go back to some of my notes and review them. Looking at my old photos helps remind me of what life was like as well. There's a point where I start living in denial. Trying to convince myself that I'll start tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is today. I can go downstairs and do 10 minutes on the bike or treadmill. 10 minutes is better than no minutes. I have to take back my life from that cheating, 2 timing, good for nothing so and so FOOD! It is a THING. I cannot allow a THING to have control over my life.

This can be my Christmas gift to myself.

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