November 10th, 2008.

Nov 15, 2011

That's the date that I didn't have gastric bypass. That's the date that I drove everyone crazy at work about trying to rearrange schedules so I could take two weeks off. It's the date I set my sights on as the very day that would change the rest of my life. After that day I would become a different Jennifer, a smaller version of me that could do so many things that I've never been able to do before. I had finally found HOPE. And then I got the call that I couldn't have that date, I couldn't have any date. I wouldn't be changing. Then my life fell apart. I lost all HOPE. There was not going to be a new Jennifer. I was going to be stuck with the regular me that I grew to hate and despise. There was no new future to look forward to. Everything looked bleak. I walked around for three years feeling that way, as though there was no real future for me. I couldn't really plan much because what was there really for me to do? Thinking of things for me to take up in college were difficult because jobs that I wanted to go into required physical activity that I just couldn't do. Meeting a significant other? Forget that. Who could love me when I hated myself so much? So that knocked out really a real family of my own. I knew I'd eventually adopt one day but could I really run after my kids? Everything was riding on November 10th, 2008.

Now I have a new date, December 19th, 2011 received in the most amazing way possible. However, there has been some talk of pushing back my date since my psych clearance appointment. I've been mandated to therapy prior to surgery, and when I saw Sophia at Dr. Buchin's office after speaking with the person who is doing my clearance she wanted to push back my surgery. I immediately started crying and begging and had to agree to attend therapy after surgery as well. Now I'm on edge. I'm crying myself to sleep because I'm so afraid of losing my date. I don't care if they replace it with a new one. If they were to take away my date in any form I will be broken. I'd be shattered. I cannot lose my date again. All my HOPE is riding on this particular date. I imagine all the changes in my life that will happen AFTER this DATE. I cannot express how important this is to me. I'm crying hard just as I write this at the mere thought of having it taken away.

I tattooed the word HOPE on my wrist for a reason. If my date was changed, it would break me. It would erase all my hope again. How would I know the next date wouldn't be moved? And then moved again? And then I'd be running in circles and never truly get surgery, or if I do.. when? Months from now? My migraines are KILLING ME SLOWLY. I just so a neurosurgeon to have migraine surgery. I could be having migraine surgery but I got chosen for this grant and since the neurosurgeon recommended bariatric surgery first I decided to postpone neurosurgery until I see if bariatric surgery helps. I cannot wait forever. I am in horrible pain every day. So many things in my life have been taken away. I can't bare anymore. I'm being forced into therapy because I haven't dealt with certain really important issues but what didn't come up is how many loved ones I've lost by death, how many friends I've lost, I'm always losing things that are important to me. Just like I lost my surgery date last time. I simply cannot go through it again.

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