Jennifer Birch

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Hi Everyone! I know it's been a few years but I thought I'd update everyone on what has been going on. I still have not had bariatric surgery because when I called, my medical did cover it but they wanted me to pay over $2000 out of pocket for part of the copay and I just didn't have it. If you saw my previous blogs you might have seen that I had been starting to lose some weight.. well I lost just a tad bit more. I've lost 119lbs total. Here is a recent before and after photo for you guys to see. I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I just had to share. I went from a size 3xl to a XL. 

It's difficult for me to write about this here but I feel the need to be open and honest about my journey even if it means being judged. My journey towards bariatric surgery became very public when I received the patient grant, and it was really embarrassing for me when it didn't work out. I received a lot of harsh backlash and I can understand why. It's hard to put into words what happened mentally for me to just give up such a beautiful gift but all I can say in my defense is that at the time I thought I was ready. It's taken this long for me to be honest with myself and realize that I just wasn't. Everything happened so fast.. I went from having no hope of ever having the procedure done to having a surgery date within a few weeks. I became overwhelmed, and when push came to shove I shut down instead of persevering and looking at the long term. I hit an obstacle and didn't keep fighting when I should have.  

I've realized that if I continue with this, if I try yet again to have bariatric surgery that I will end up hitting another obstacle at some point, whether it be in regards to the surgery itself or the actual weight loss. I can't give up this time. So much of the rest of my life is riding on this. I have a bad habit in my life of giving up on things when they became too hard. Whether it was dance class as a little girl, college as a young adult or just as recent as this failed attempt at having surgery. When things seem too hard, I give up. I have to break this cycle at some point. I'll have a pretty pathetic life if I never try to do anything worth wild because it just seemed too tough.

My quality of life is worse than ever. My migraine are as bad as they've ever been, a few weeks back I posted about how good I was feeling but that didn't last very long. Every time I think I'm feeling better, my migraines quickly remind me who is bossing my life.. them, not me. I've tried going back to work, I lasted two weeks before the pain became debilitating again. Losing the weight is the only thing I have not tried to help my head. I've lost some weight on my own, but not nearly enough to help. It's been four years and four months since my migraines started. I've had never limited relief in those years, most days were spent in excruciating pain. I've tried so many different medications, so many tests, been in the hospital countless times and the only shred of hope I have left at leading a normal life is if I drop a considerable amount of weight. So I'm going to try again, I've already found a surgeon in my new home state and I'm just waiting for my insurance to kick in on July 1st.

You might remember that I got a tattoo on my wrist of the word 'Hope', and I stare at it every day. It's what is driving me to continue on, even after this last failed attempt at surgery. And I hope one day to be on the other side, after surgery.. shaking my head at what a wild ride this has been.

Hi everyone, It's been almost a year since I've updated my blog and a lot has gone on! I moved to Florida on August 1st 2012. I love it here, and definitely glad that my mom and I made the decision to leave New York. The biggest reason is because I have been steadily losing weight since we moved.

When we moved I gave up take out, then slowly starting taking things out of my diet to try to improve the amount of migraines I was getting. I had to give up canned foods, lunch meats, and aged cheeses (especially hard since we all know I love pizza!). I walk the dog a few times per day, and the big thing is that I got off steroids! I look back at the first video I posted and my face was so puffy from them.. not anymore! I've lost about 25 pounds or more (not sure of my highest weight) so far and went from a size 26 pants to a size 20! I can't believe the transformation! I haven't been this small in 7 years.

Here is a side by side photo comparison, I don't have any photos from when I was at my highest weight so the before photo is from 2011, and the now photo I took just last week.

I hope all is going well for the rest of you, and hopefully I'll update more soon!

 

 

Today I found out that I am now a diabetic. I haven't started treatment yet because I'm waiting for the endocrinologist to send over the test results before I go to my primary physician. Now, I posted on my Facebook that I was diagnosed. It wasn't a complaint, merely just sort of an 'update' since I had posted about going for the glucose test. Was I surprised? Yes and no. My maternal grandmother had it, along with both of my fathers parents both who were insulin dependent. Plus, I am obsese. It shouldn't shock me that the weight and my genes have caught up with me. Had I gone through with the therapy and the surgery, I would be traveling down a different road right now. I never would have gotten the diagnosis and I'd be much lighter. The thought of that makes me sad, but hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

Part of me will always wish that I went through with the surgery. It's hard for me to look back at my video blogs, or sometimes even at my tattoo because I was so so excited and thrilled about the journey I was taking. I was given this beautiful gift and I just couldn't stop smiling. The fact that all that hope and happiness is gone is sad to me. BUT, I know in my heart that I haven't given up. I know once my medical insurance changes next year that one of the first things I will be doing is trying for bariatric surgery again. I will not give up, I may just have to take a very long and sometimes really painful road.

I did want to share something that someone emailed me on Facebook though. After I posted about being diagnosed, this person decided to tell me I should have had the surgery. Talk about kicking a person when they're down. Don't you think that's the first thing that went through my mind when I found out the results? She then proceeded to email me this lovely gem:

"There is no constant mentioning it.
This is only the second time and i think you were an ass to give up a lifetime of an opportunity that someone else could have used just because you refused therapy. WHATEVER. Obviously now you want to complain about your illnesses that you could have gotten rid of for good. GOODBYE."

The said person also left a comment on my wall where she called me a jerk as well but then deleted it. Is this the kind of community that OH is? If you DON'T get the surgery you're automatically an idiot? Aren't we all here to SUPPORT one another regardless of what has happened? I'm just sad that this person felt the need to say such things.

AND, just to be clear.. When I gave up the surgery, the FIRST THING that I said was "Give it to someone else who needs it.", I don't know what is or has gone on with the process but I do hope that someone else gets to benefit from that great gift that I was going to receive. Selfishly, I do wish it was still available to me but I can't expect it to be because of the way that I behaved.

I said in my last blog post that I didn't regret my decision. I can't say that so whole heartedly now that I have diabetes but I also can't dwell on the past and depress myself. I can only look at it this way.. If it was meant to be, it would have happened and that's all. I wasn't ready to talk about the abuse, and I'm still not sure if I ever will be.

As for my journey to become a mother.. pregnancy doesn't seem like a smart idea right now so I am beginning the process to adopt. I start the classes to complete a homestudy next week and the process should take about 2-3 months. I'm looking at older children as they are just waiting to be adopted and to find a forever family and I have the capability to love a child that needs it. I don't care how old the child is, or even if I have to adopt siblings. I want a family, and I'll make sure someway or how that it will happen.

I keep getting questions on Facebook about how I am doing post surgery and I thought I should just address it in a blog post so I don't have to keep answering the question over and over. I appreciate all the interest and good thoughts being sent my way but I did not have the surgery. If I had, I would be blogging like crazy about my journey but unfortunately it did not work out.

From my older blog entries you know that there was an issue with the psych clearance, they wanted me to go for therapy, etc. It's my own fault that I didn't have the surgery because I refused to go for therapy. Do I regret this decision? No. I believe that certainly everyone, especially bariatric surgery candidates could benefit from therapy but I didn't agree with the reasoning behind why I "needed" it. If I had dreaded up the past, it would have only increased the scars from it more and empowered the person who abused me. I will absolutely never let that person have any power over me again and if it takes prolonging my journey towards bariatric surgery again, then so be it. At least I will be able to say I did it on my own terms.

And yes, I did say that my journey is not over. I will be changing my medical insurance July of next year, and I know for sure that they do cover it. You are probably wondering.. Won't they just try to get me to go for therapy as well? I don't think so. I had gone for a psych eval when I was trying to get the surgery covered back in 2008, said all the same things and I was passed without a question. I do believe the person who I went to this time for psych clearance was trying to be TOO thorough, and they could have said that I could benefit from therapy AFTER surgery which I would have gone to because I know it's not easy post-op and I probably could have used it to help me deal with the extreme lifestyle change.

I don't think that this reflects negatively on Dr. Buchin whatsoever. He was trying to do his best to ensure my outcome would be the best it could. He and his staff were wonderful to deal with, and I wish things would have worked out differently because I know I would have been in very good hands.

What are my plans for the immediate future? I'm attempting to become a mother. When I was 24, I began the steps to try to foster to adopt but it became derailed by family emergencies and things that happened afterward. It just stopped feeling like the best time to proceed. The yearning to become a mother has never left, and in fact it has become increasingly hard to ignore since. Aside from being a thinner version of myself, what I want most out of life is to be a mother. I was raised by my mother (who became a single mother after my father died when I was four) and by my grandmother so the idea of being a single mother doesn't feel so foreign or difficult. I was brought up with tons of love, I was spoiled rotten and I wanted for nothing. I couldn't have asked for a better mother or grandmother and I hope my child can say that of me one day. I do live with my mother, so my child will have my love as well as hers.

I was recently diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which will definitely be helped by weight loss so I am going to try to lose some weight on my own while I work with my reproductive specialist to become pregnant. If it can't happen, I will go back to trying to adopt. And then when it's time for my medical insurance change, I'll attempt the path of bariatric surgery again so I can be healthy enough to chase after a toddler. :)

Anyway, this won't be the last that you hear from me.. I'm sure. I wish all of you great success in your weight loss journeys and I hope to see you on the other side (the post-op side!) one day!

Today is my first day back on steroids for a week due to my migraines. I love that they break the cycle of pain that I'm in but I really hate that they turn me into a starving lunatic. At some points even my mom starts to look appetizing. Now the dosage is not as high as what I've received in the hospital before but maybe because I usually feel pretty hungry most of the time it just makes it worse. I'm really worried about what this will do to my diet. I've been very good, I'm just afraid that once you mix in these pills that all my rational thoughts are going to go out the window LOL. It's only one week, I know I can make it through! I just need to find healthy alternatives to snack on instead of looking at my mom and the dog as possible meals. Any suggestions are welcome!

I received so many responses yesterday that were filled with love and support, it really touched my heart. I realize the higher than normal amount of responses might have been because of the announcement in the November OH Newsletter and what I really don't want is for newcomers to my blog to think that I'm whiny and ungrateful for the wonderful gift I have received. I happened to be in a bad head space the past two days but I have not forgotten how unbelievably amazing the gift of this grant is. In fact, about a week and a half ago I had ordered a lithograph to hang in my bedroom that described exactly how I felt. Here is a photo of it hanging, it just arrived Tuesday.





Also, something I wanted to make clear is that my surgery date is still the same right now. There is just talk of moving it that is freaking me out. However, I am still holding out HOPE. (For those of you who haven't seen it, I suggest pressing play.)



So thank you all again for your support, and I hope you keep following!

I've been pouting around and crying all day and night since I wrote my last blog. I've enjoyed reading all the comments and I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. However, something hit me a few moments ago and I felt like I needed to share.

They are mainly holding the possibility of changing my surgery date almost as a form of punishment, or as a technique in strong arming me into therapy to make sure I take this seriously. They refer to it as tough love. I'm not feeling that right now. I will say that part of the reason I am being forced into therapy is because I was abused in the past. I'm not ready to say what, why or how but I was 19 and I didn't tell anyone for 4 years. I used food to stuff down my feelings and I'm at the point now that I feel numb to the whole thing.

I'm not ready to begin talking about it right now. My life just became turned upside down by this grant when I found out and that was 10/20.. Not even a month ago! Now you want me to work on serious emotional issues and hold the one thing that means the most to me right now over my head, my surgery date?

Who wins in this scenario? Mainly just my abuser. He took so much away from my, my sense of control, my ability to trust, my hope that true love exists. If you take my date away, it's because of him and he just gets to steal something else from me. I'm not denying that I need help, but what is punishing me going to accomplish? Why break me when I'm already so broken?

That's the date that I didn't have gastric bypass. That's the date that I drove everyone crazy at work about trying to rearrange schedules so I could take two weeks off. It's the date I set my sights on as the very day that would change the rest of my life. After that day I would become a different Jennifer, a smaller version of me that could do so many things that I've never been able to do before. I had finally found HOPE. And then I got the call that I couldn't have that date, I couldn't have any date. I wouldn't be changing. Then my life fell apart. I lost all HOPE. There was not going to be a new Jennifer. I was going to be stuck with the regular me that I grew to hate and despise. There was no new future to look forward to. Everything looked bleak. I walked around for three years feeling that way, as though there was no real future for me. I couldn't really plan much because what was there really for me to do? Thinking of things for me to take up in college were difficult because jobs that I wanted to go into required physical activity that I just couldn't do. Meeting a significant other? Forget that. Who could love me when I hated myself so much? So that knocked out really a real family of my own. I knew I'd eventually adopt one day but could I really run after my kids? Everything was riding on November 10th, 2008.

Now I have a new date, December 19th, 2011 received in the most amazing way possible. However, there has been some talk of pushing back my date since my psych clearance appointment. I've been mandated to therapy prior to surgery, and when I saw Sophia at Dr. Buchin's office after speaking with the person who is doing my clearance she wanted to push back my surgery. I immediately started crying and begging and had to agree to attend therapy after surgery as well. Now I'm on edge. I'm crying myself to sleep because I'm so afraid of losing my date. I don't care if they replace it with a new one. If they were to take away my date in any form I will be broken. I'd be shattered. I cannot lose my date again. All my HOPE is riding on this particular date. I imagine all the changes in my life that will happen AFTER this DATE. I cannot express how important this is to me. I'm crying hard just as I write this at the mere thought of having it taken away.

I tattooed the word HOPE on my wrist for a reason. If my date was changed, it would break me. It would erase all my hope again. How would I know the next date wouldn't be moved? And then moved again? And then I'd be running in circles and never truly get surgery, or if I do.. when? Months from now? My migraines are KILLING ME SLOWLY. I just so a neurosurgeon to have migraine surgery. I could be having migraine surgery but I got chosen for this grant and since the neurosurgeon recommended bariatric surgery first I decided to postpone neurosurgery until I see if bariatric surgery helps. I cannot wait forever. I am in horrible pain every day. So many things in my life have been taken away. I can't bare anymore. I'm being forced into therapy because I haven't dealt with certain really important issues but what didn't come up is how many loved ones I've lost by death, how many friends I've lost, I'm always losing things that are important to me. Just like I lost my surgery date last time. I simply cannot go through it again.

The title and video say it all.