Death of an Old Friend

Jun 29, 2010

I have read so many posts about mourning food.  So, I let my self have a few ...well many food funerals before surgery.  I did not feel guilty for it.  I thought it was something that would help me to be at peace with my new eating lifestyle.  I read about head hunger and really thought I understood what to expect.  I was looking forward to the restriction.  I could not fathom who someone would turn down this opportunity.  Why wouldn't everyone to have this magic inside them?


Here I am 2 months out from surgery.   All of the soreness and tiredness is gone.   From my highest  weight I am down 48 lbs and since surgery I am do 33 pounds.  I am wearing smaller clothes and feeling so much better.  I am working out and while I do not love it, I am proud of myself.   I feel like a human again.  I feel stronger, thinner, and happier.  But I have began to realize,  I find no comfort in food.  I do not hurt from eating nor do I get sick.  I just do not find great joy or solace in food any more.   Short of chocolate ice cream, nothing taste so great that it is worth eating just for the sake of eating.  I am learning food is fuel and that I am going to have to get used to that.  I have not really accepted it.  I keep waking up and thinking of food.  I keep trying to find variety in my eating because I am not enjoying food.  Yet each thing I try is the same.  It's just food...not the party in my mouth I am looking for.

  I am truly understanding in the last few days that I have some choices to make and these choices are more difficult than the choice to have surgery.  These choices are also more important.  I can simply lose weight or I can change my life.   I can accept food in its new role in my life or I can keep searching for things that will bring me comfort.  I am sure if I look hard enough I will successfully find it and successfully destroy my chance at a new life.  I have to let my friend go....GOD help me have the strength to let it go....PLEASE!!!

0 Comments