Day 4

Dec 26, 2010

Yesterday, (Christmas Day) was a bundle of emotions for me. Carlos is really sick, and I hate seeing him so miserable. I tried my best to cater to what he needed, but somehow it never feels like enough. Carlos doesn't like being babied, but if I don't baby him, then I feel like I am not doing my "wifely" job. But, we did have some fun. We watched movies, played Gin (my new favorite game), and listened to old songs that we love. I also got to talk to my family, which was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. My family is so amazing, and even through the phone I can tell how much they love me. We discussed our gifts and what we did. I opened my presents from my Grandma while she listened on the phone. She knows me so well. But, on the other hand, it did make me sad because I am not there to celebrate with them, and I haven't seen them in over a year. It breaks my heart to think that in the 7 years I have lived in New Jersey, I have only visted my family 5 times. Less than once a year. I just worry I am missing so much.

Of course, since there were so many emotions yesterday, my eating was really not the best. I ended up eating an entire medium, thin crust veggie pizza from Dominos. I was really disgusted with myself, but I tried not to let on, cause I didn't want Carlos to worry. I felt like such a pig, and I was ashamed of myself for taking a step back. I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day, and I ended up with a mondo headache at the end of the day. I also had nightmares all night about being barred from seeing my family because I was too fat to get on the plane. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it's hard not to feel disappointed when the step back I take is more like a leap. I mean, a whole pizza? It's embarrassing. Today, with a little more clarity, I realize now that it's a significant wake up call about eating out. I just can't control myself as well, when I am not preparing the meal. One, small bright spot yesterday, in regards to food, came when I discovered the deliciousness of apple flavored Crystal Light. It is so delicious, and I reccomend everyone go out today and get it. I see a lot more water consumption in my future!

Well, that is all for now. This was a very hard blog to write, and I need to relax a little. I do plan on blogging again tonight, if I get a chance. If not, I will of course post tomorrow.

Much Love,
N.

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