Day 29

Jan 18, 2011

Well, today was a new day in so many ways. I did a lot of thinking/soul searching about what was discussed at group yesterday, and my WLS's effect on the people around me. I really came to realize that I was being a bit of a Needy Nelly when it came to approval/support of the people around me. (And if I am to be truely honest, a bit of a broken record - constantly talking about surgery.) I tried to put myself in their shoes, and how annoyed I would be. I have been getting such wonderful support from the people I am closest too, yet I was always looking for more. But, if I really look at the big picture, that's not what I was really looking for. I was seeking validation of my choice to have weight-loss surgery, and attention when I felt abandoned and lonely. Being off of work has been very rough on me... maybe more rough than I am willing to admit. I went from feeling very needed and important, to feeling useless and forgotten. It was a hard crash. And now, I am making these huge changes - putting something other than work into major importance - and I want someone there saying "Yes, you are important. Yes, you deserve surgery. Yes, your life is important enough to save." Well.... here it comes. Here is someone saying what I want to hear.

Nicole - to yourself, from yourself - YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU DESERVE SURGERY. YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT. You don't need anyone else to tell you that. You don't need the approval of others to judge your worth. It's cliche, but you are the ONLY person who has to live with your desicions 24/7 for the rest of your life.

I need to do this for ME. Not for approval. Not for people telling me how skinny I look. I need to be doing this so I can be healthy, live a full life - as painless as possible - and be happy with myself. Am I happy with myself right now? No. I don't like being unfit, lazy and in pain. I have this wonderful tool to change that. The approval, smaller clothes, and compliments are all just icing on the cake.

Now, don't get me wrong... support and help is always appreciated. This is a hard journey. Can I make it by myself? Yes. But, it'll be a lot more fun, and a lot less rocky if I have my loved ones backing me up. But now, I can appreciate their support and enthusiasm because I am in a place where I am not depending on it to make it through.

For all of you that are reading this (if any), I do want to say a couple of things. 1) Thank you. Even if you read this, and never say anything about it, it means a lot to me that you took the time to check on my journey. Your support is very, very appreciated... now more than ever. You stuck around through my soul-searching and I hope you stick around to see the outcome. 2) I apologize for not seeing what I had in front of me until now. If I ever made you feel that your support was not enough, I am sorry. It is. :)

I feel very calm right now. It's very calming and settling to come to this type of realization. I still feel it's a good idea to blog about this process, for a couple of reasons. The first being that it's a way for me to remind myself of how far I have come, learn from my mistakes and reflect on the journey. The second is that maybe what I am going through, my stuggles and triumphs, can help another person on their path to WLS.

Well.... this has certainly been an eventful blog. Today was a fun, yet typical day. My eating was eh - more fast food than I would have liked - but I didn't over do anything. I ate slowly and chewed well, which is starting to become more natural. I am also getting more used to not drinking while eating. (Although, at around the 20 minute mark after food I start really watching the clock for when i can drink.) My increased water intake was very noticable today, when i forgot to bring my water bottle out with me. I was CRAVING water, and I used to go whole days without drinking anything but soda. Maybe I will become one of those water fiends that I said I never would be. LOL

Okay, okay... this is getting long. It's bed time, and I have some fun plans for tomorrow.

Much Lovies!

Nicole

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