Resolutions... And a good day

Feb 09, 2011

So, after my blog the other day about my hurt and frustration over how Carlos' was treating me, I asked him to go to my therapy session with me to work it out. We had a great session, and I understand now where he is coming from.

One of his concerns about this whole process is that he feels like I am changing. Honestly, that's probably true. He has noticed me being more social, and more focused on things that I had lost touch with for a while. He's worried I'll leave him behind. He's also worried about hurting me, or doing something wrong. So, it was his backwards way of caring by acting so aloof. He did apologize for the incident where he got mad about the possibility of going back to the hospital. He was worried about me being in trouble, and also concerned that I was freaking out unnessicarily.

As for the changing..... Once again, yes, I am changing. I think it's for a couple of reason. One is that I'm finally doing something for ME. I am finally taking sometime to focus on myself, instead of breaking my back to do things for everyone else. I like how I feel right now. I am optomistic and feeling really excited about this chapter of my life. It's been along time since I've felt like this. Basically since I moved to New jersey, I've felt out of place, stuck and depressed. Now, I feel like I can accomplish anything if I really want it. I did this, and it makes me happy, so why can't I work on other aspects of my life. The second reason I am changing is that... to be blunt... I am on antidepressants. I KNOW, everyone right now is all about not being chemical dependant, and being natural ect. ect.... But, I feel good. They have helped tremendously, and no matter what anyone says, I am happy I started them.

Yesterday was a fun day. We drove to S. Jersey to bring our friend home, and hang out with her Grandma, Aunt and Uncle. It was a lot of fun. They are really fun, good people. They are in the process of launching their own line of organic pasta. They are SO passionate about their product. I offered to help them out by editing and writing some promotional materials. It feels good to be helping them.

I do want to talk a little bit about the "eating" phase I am in right now. (I say "eating" since it's really more drinking... lol.) The protein shakes are... not the best. I am trying to have fun with them by adding extracts and Crystal Light. It does help, but the last couple of days, I just haven't been feeling them. I am constantly giving myself pep-talks about the fact that this is a short phase, and it'll be over soon. Yesterday, I broke down and I got some soup (NO CHUNKY!). It was some tomato basil soup, and I watered it down with water to make it less thick. It was so good. But, I felt guilty after eating it. I worried that I was eating too many calories with it. But, I took a step back and looked at the situation realistically. Three months ago, I was eating Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, Burger King for lunch, and Chinese food for dinner, on a regular basis. I was eating whole pizzas to myself. And now, I am feeling guilty over having a 1/4 c of tomato soup. Seems a little silly. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to have it ev eryday, but having it once doesn't mean I am not going to lose weight. It doesn't mean I am not going to do well. I am WAAAAY to hard on myself. Right now, I just have to keep focused and do what my body tells me. And I can't be too hard on myself if occasionally my body decides it wants 1/4 c of tomato soup.

Have a healthy day!

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