Hey friends. I've been super stressed/tired/feeling a bit off lately so, I haven't been around much...Here is a video to PROVE how tired I am. I just couldn't get into it. But you can still watch it for comic value. :)

my tummy has been feeling really full and bloated the past couple of days which make me feel really run down. I've been watching what I've been eating real carefully but I think it's my period coming...so, we'll see....Lets hope thats what it is anyway..

I'm getting really excited t ogo home...my count down is going crazzyyyy. I wanna be in a big bed in a HOUSE and not worrying about anything for a few days...it will be nice to hang out with my mom and the baby kitten. ugh, is it Tuesday yet?

Drum Roll Please:
Apathy and Sleepiness Have Driven This Video.

 So, yes, tonight was my very first experience dumping. It was painful before, and I was tired after. I wasn't sure I wanted to throw-up, but it happened eventually and I'm glad about it. 

You see friends, I have been given awards on my ability to  throw-up gracefully and knowing where to direct things. This award was given to me by my father--who was always awake at 1am when I was little and tottled down the stairs with a tummy full of god-knows-what. I was always able to aim perfectly, and I don't make any noise when I finally do  throw-up. So, hence my award. 

ANYHOO, the dumping process was interesting. yes I was in pain...but, I was confused as to how it worked. I didn't know if I had to induce my own heaving (I skipped that part of weight-loss on my journey) or if it would happen on its own....Turns out, it happens on its own! That's a relief. I was in the bathroom in front of the toilet for about 5 minutes and nothing happened...So I got up and walked out of the bathroom when ALL OF THE SUDDEN my mouth felt like someone poured warm salt water all in it. I realized I had about 5 seconds to get to the bathroom and thank you college dorm, the bathroom is 3 seconds from any part of my apartment. woo.

So, everything in my stomach came up. I think that was a good thing because I had a few pieces of shrimp for lunch and they came up toward the end too...but they were totally mangled and they smelled terrible. Terrible enough to cause the next round, like they were just sitting around in my stomach bile waiting for a good time to come up...after that was said and done, I felt a lot better, but I called my mom to see if there was any "aftercare" or anything...She told me to rest and sip water. I slept for 3 hours and woke up at was is now 10:00pm. 

The actual  throwing-up was interesting to me....Its not like when you have a stomach bug or anything....it was very odd, but pretty efficient. It almost seemed like the  throw-up bypassed my mouth all together and just went from my throat to the toilet. I find that interesting. Its not like when your sick and your mouth fills up...nope. It was very thick and looked like it hadn't even been to my stomach yet. I assume that with different foods, it's a different consistency, but still, I think the warm salty water was a good pre-cursor to kind of coat my mouth...I didn't taste anything foul after...none of that...I just felt empty. ha.


I think dumping is interesting. I felt very relieved after, but, I'm nervous now...I don't want to try things...for awhile anyway. I have been a bit adventurous in my trying things, but, I think that's because I'm in such a hurry to be back to normal...I know now to take it slow. duh. I knew that before, but still...

OH--and what did I dump on (you asked yourselves 5 minutes ago)?? Noodles. My surgeon said that they could be good because they are soft and the vitamin fortified whole-grain guys would be better.....well, not for me they weren't. sigh. no more mac and cheese.....byebye favorite food. 

 So, I had a bit of a cry today because I don't know who I am....I guess that I expected that by 22, I would have more of my life together...I NEVER expected to be sitting here with my guts rearranged relearning how to eat. I expected to be out in the world, exploring my surroundings, becoming more comfortable with me.....How do you do that when you don't know who you are? or what you want out of life? Or even--how is it possible when you are your hardest critic? 
I never expected to be in this situation. Its not that it's a bad thing, it's just that...I wanted more from my life at this point. I used to be such a free spirit..I used to go on adventures and take risks....Now I feel like an old lady going to bed at 10:00. I hate that I'm not feeling 100% yet. I need to be out in the world. My weight never stopped me from doing things I loved, now I feel like the healing/recovery is holding me back so much from what I'm used to. 
I dated when I was heavy. I talked to guys...I was okay with how I looked...I wasn't HAPPY, but I wasn't sad either. Now I just feel like a hermit, I barely talk to people and I'm just scared its going to stay this way. I know that camp will get me moving and active...My mom and I will take walks...but physically active and mentally/emotionally active is something that seems to be eluding me at the moment. I just feel like a lump. A lump with a sliced up stomach and the social connectivity of a...well..a lump.
I'm usually so outgoing and optimistic and positive, I feel like..by writing this, I'm letting people down. I just want to be me again. I don't want to feel tired all the time and lazy and cranky and in pain. I want to be happy....

This may be my way of mourning my loss of connection with food. Please bare with me...I just am noticing that no matter what happens, I won't be able to eat away my emotions...I have to confront them. I have to take charge of them because no one else will. Food filled a void for me...A void of emotion. Of being scared of emotion. I have to learn not to be scared. If crying is what I need, then I shouldn't be frightened of it. If I need to yell at someone or something, that should be handled in a non-destructive way. If I need s-e-x, I should be able to have it...ha. I need to be okay with the emotions that run through my body now. I need to be around people more...this is why summer is making me so excited. I'm going to be around people all the time. I'm going to be with people and have interaction. If I can't figure out how to emote in a proper fashion, I'm going to be crying and screaming and horny all at once. I'm pretty sure that would scare anyone away.

OK, 2 hours until bed. Homework time. 

 Hey lovers. I have a new video to share. 

Also, for those of you keeping up. I took the gauze pad off my last scar...it was kinda gross looking, but there was no hole, it was healed. hehe. I was relieved. 

Today is my mom's birthday. Yay! 

Anyhoo, here is the newest video! 

2 Weeks Post-Op. 


 Enjoy friends!!

 So, I still have a gauze patch on my side from where the drain was...Is it weird that I'm scared to take it off because I'm thinking there's a gaping hole there? haha. so bizarre....but I just feel like if I take the gauze off, it's going to be like...a giant thing...no one said anything to me about taking it off or anything....but I've been picking at the plastic for a few days now. I'm anxious because I don't want the stupid pad on there anymore....but, what if it's scary?! haha

Anyhoo, I've been doing okay. Expect a video after my surgeon's appt. on Wednesday....I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, but, from what I've heard, thats normal....I am craving a scrambled egg with old bay seasoning.....and crab meat. haha. My tummy is being a bit fussy....but, its just hungry and yummy creamy soups are going well...just not egg. haha.

The End. :)