being honest to myself

Mar 22, 2012

Today was an interesting day.   I've had several revelations and truths become apparent.  Today I learned that I have a toxic relationship with the man I love.  I recognized how detrimental to my success this relationship is, it was so clear to me today.  My kids hate him (he was mean to them when we lived together in that he yelled at them alot) so I see him on the sly.  I deny to them that I'm with him yet I am.  (warning flag: lying to the people that are dearest to me)  C saw him by the house and I totally lied my ass off to cover that up.  That incident really threw me off, I was scared she would realize I lied to her and that she would be well within her rights to be very very angry with me.  I was angry that he would let himself be seen.  I suspect he wants to bring this to a head where I will be forced to "choose" the problem with that is that I won't choose him over the kids which now brings me such sadness.  I was just so sad because it is so clear to me that I need to end it with him and I do care about him.  Then I was scared/worried because he does alot of handyman things around the house.  Of course I didn't realize all that at the time, I was just angry so I just went to school for class.

The minute I got out the car because he gives me a ride most mornings I just wanted to run to dunkin donuts or subway and eat a tuna salad sandwich. Of course I hadn't eaten "breakfast" but I did drink a green coconut's water. BUT I didn't!  Yay points for me.  I analyzed right in that moment I said to myself, "You are angry and stressed and you want to comfort yourself.  Will this make the situation better?  No, it will not.  You might actually feel better for a minute but it will be short lived and you will be doing yourself more harm in the end."  and I didn't eat.  I just went upstairs. 

Now, lately I've been eating solid food even though I'm only supposed to be on full liquids.  I just have been craving meat and hell, just food in general.  Today I completed 4 weeks post band and here is where the craziness is about to be exposed.  It seems like ALL DAY LONG (and at night too because I even dream of food) I think about food.  I love the Red eye for the cross word puzzle.  I can usually finish it pretty quick by myself and it makes me feel quite smart.  Well lately I've been reading it especially the ads for lunches/dinners or articles about food.  I don't lick the paper but thats only cause people are watching and I don't want them to think I'm nuts.  I like to keep that private. ha ha.  When I'm on the bus or the train or driving I read all the specials that restaurants of fast food joints have and they stay in my mind and I obsess about them.  It's like I have a scab but I keep picking at it until bleeds then I'm like, oh oh.  I have wound now I need to bust out the first aid kit.

I've convinced myself that the swelling is down internally and there is no fluid in my band so of course it makes sense that those damned protein shakes don't hold me over for 4 hours so I'm constantly hungry.  I was denying the fact that I'm food obsessed and letting my mind dictate my "hunger" rather than my physical stomach.  Of course by now, I've justified eating solid food.  But here is the crazy thinking; when I was about to start the 5 days of clear liquids prior to banding for 2 weeks I ate like the world was going to run out of food.  Normally I don't eat pork for religious reasons but I don't know what happened to me other than my animal drive overcame my mental limits or rather crazy won and I was eating all kinds of stuff mostly processed meat and I developed a love affair with bacon.  I didn't even try to hide that.  Well now it seems that I'm back to that mentality because I'm thinking that since my band isn't filled I can probably eat more right now than I will be able to after my first fill which is in 2 weeks so should take advantage and eat the things I want or will be able to right now.

I'm scared of getting a fill.  The idea of a needle (a long big ass needle) going into my stomach scares me.  I feel quite let down by the OH community because I had a moment of freak out and posted about it but nobody responded when I specifically requested responses.  I don't mean that they responded right away nobody responded at all.  But thats ok. 

Before banding when I was in school my typical routine was a honey bran muffin and a chai from dunkin donuts at 8am then some sort of snack or the rest of the chai at 10:30am then lunch at 12:50p like a foot long subway whatever with a cherry coke, sometimes diet mostly not.  Then at 3:40p a candy bar or a starbucks chai and scone then nothing till about 7P then I would eat the house.  Thats been my schedule for 9 months.  That's a hard routine to break.  But I've been trying, during the breaks I disappear or I drink my "breakfast" in 2 parts.  Half in the house the other half @ first break.  That or I drink alot of water during the breaks.  Then I'll drink my "lunch" a muscle milk or home made soup pureed of course.  For last break I may drink the rest of the soup or just water then my protein shake when I get home.  Thats it but the addition of more food/solid food has been insidious.  I started by just chewing the foods I prepared for my kids then spitting it out.  Eventually I started swallowing and found out I could and nothing happened.  It went downhill from there.

The first time it happened it was because I was so hungry and hadn't eaten anything til 7:30pm then I ate all the beef from a mexican beef soup along with all the potatoes and carrots.  That turned into a binge and wracked the house looking for cake or sweets to down with some milk.  I didn't find any, still thanking God for that one.  I posted about it on OH and how I felt like crap but again just the sound of crickets...nothing.  At this point all I'm using this site for is for the blog.  Whether anyone reads it or not or comments or not doesn't matter.  If anyone finds it useful I'll be  glad.  I have been looking at overeaters anonymous for support.  Haven't been able to go to a meeting yet.

Back to the hectic day, so I didn't eat the tuna, during break I drank my kefir, but then for lunch I chose to eat sushi thinking, I better get this rice in before the fill in case I won't be able to tolerate it after.  Granted I chewed each bite 30+ times and didn't drink anything with it but I ate all 5 pieces of my vegan roll.  I did all right the rest of the day until He was there to pick me up from the train, just thinking he was gonna be there and all the complications he represents I just ordered a ground beef taco and an order of refried beans and ate almost all of it.  Of course we had to run some errands for him because God forbid he be able to do anything alone and so 30 min later I bought a capuccino and 2 oatmeal cookies from 7-11.  I ate the one cookie and most of the drink I was really full.  I haven't eaten anything else tonight nor will I but it really bugged me that I ate so much.  I've also been weighing myself every other day or so and the scale isn't really moving down at all.  No wonder.  The other thing is that I have competencies coming up in class and if I don't pass those tests I cannot go to clinic and so will not be able to graduate as a clinical massage therapist.  The other things is that my therapist bailed on me last week after keeping me waiting for 40 minutes then again this week I had to wait 25 minutes after my appointment time before being able to see her which only left 20 minutes of session time so I cancelled.  I can't go deep fast then back to superficial in that amount of time and be able to function.  Then they have given me more hours at work for which I'm glad because I took 2.5 weeks off after banding with no pay but when I'm not working I'm in school all day so I'm pretty run down because I work 2nd shift then drive the kids to their respective schools starting at 6 am so I'm constantly sleep deprived.

So to wrap it up these are the things I have learned about me so far:

1.  If I don't drink enough water I WILL get hungrier during the day (and tired)
2.  If I eat too much I will get a pain right by my heart  soon afterwhich I believe then travels up to my L clavicle and is very uncomfortable the next day.
3.  I am compelled to eat when I think about or see the man
4.  It is easier to resist temptation if I am fully hydrated
5.  Sleep deprivation is weakens my morale and ability to resist temptations

Thats about it so far.  Thats all the truth I have for today.

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