Testing

Apr 22, 2012

 I think I went through a testing phase.  Kinda like when your with somebody who seems to good to be true then you act like a real bitch or just plain crazy just to see if he will really stick around and you can believe your worth it or he leaves like that crazy negative voice says he will cause you don't deserve someone like that or he really was to good to be true.  

Except my testing was with weight loss and the band.  I got banded 2 months tomorrow.  I got my first fill 2 weeks and a few days ago and just got another fill 2 days ago.  I have a 10 cc band and i'm filled to 8cc's at the moment.  
I was doing good following the eating plan and was losing weight.  Then slowly I started messing up, testing boundaries.  I figured out that if I eat too much at one sitting I get this pain/discomfort in what it feels like my heart.  It is very uncomfortable, so I didn't push it much beyond 2-3 more times.  (I'm just laying it out there)  I still kept losing weight though.  Not a whole lot but still, the numbers were going down.  Well I set up the conditions where I got stressed to the max and said, fuck and straight up went on a binge over the course of 3 days.  The scale didn't go down anymore at all. I think I gained 2 lbs but then lost them in 3 days which I attribute to pms.  Anyway, thank God I had a dr appt w my surgeons office coming up so I could talk to them.  Because I'm nuts and have this overwhelming people pleasing dysfunction I took a laxative prior to the visit and wore my lightest clothes so I could control the damage when I stepped on the scale.  I also didn't eat or drink a drop of anything before getting weighed.  With all that it states in my chart that I have lost a total of 30lbs since the first day I walked in the office to see if I was a candidate.  Nonetheless they gave me an order for another fill which I got 2 days later.

Imagine that.

So I've been doing alot of reflecting and actually have a different mind set.  It also helps that the clinic expects me to lose 10 lbs by the next visit in 1 month.  I do better with goals.  I'm actually taking time to reflect and trying to plug into my higher power.  I'm back on track because even though I binged (and let me tell you that hurt like hell) my band still stayed faithful.  It's not going anywhere.  It didn't abandon me and still worked with me to help me lose the weight.  Now I'm trying that much harder.  I can do this.  The band was not like a diet where it helped for a while and then when sheer will power failed I gained the weight back.  Yes I have exercised my will power by not eating everything I want cause I can still eat crap just less than before but if I eat small amounts often enough it'll add up and I'll gain; and while it's felt so very hard and I caved in, the band controlled the intake enough that I didn't gain and fall into the "I've failed yet again, what the use in keeping up the fight" mentality.  
It was such a comforting thought.  I feel like I really might be able to do this.

God please keep watch over me and thank you for all the victories, big and small.  Amen.

0 Comments