Dealing

Apr 18, 2012

 So many things have been happening lately that I've felt so overwhelmed.  I got a fill 2 weeks ago and I don't feel much different.  I can still eat way more than the info I got from the hospital says I should.  Today I saw the surgeons office for a follow up appointment and incredibly I've lost 12 lbs since they last saw me March 3rd.  Crazy.  Ok probably not so much because I'm pretty sure I was hitting 5,000 calories per day prior to banding.  Even so I was pretty honest at the appt when they asked me to write down what all I was eating and requested another fill.  The quickly agreed I needed another one and I have an appointment 2 days later!  Last time I had to wait about a week for the appointment.  

I'm not gonna lie and tell you I've been walking the straight and narrow.  I tried and was successful for 3 weeks as of last week it all went to hell in a handbasket.  I've have had quite the mind job.  It's amazing how perspective changes everything.  It's rather complicated and INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!

I will try to explain.  These are the different thoughts raging through my brain.  While I'm trying to write coherently and logically it might not be easy to follow because it is after all insanity.  This is my predominating thought process lately which battles with other thoughts.

I don't like chocolate chip cookies.  Yet the mentality that rules me is that of a little kid who is told you cannot have these chocolate chip cookies and then watches as they're placed on top of the fridge.  Now, of course, all I can think of is getting these chocolate chip cookies at all cost cause they're cookies and I was told I couldn't have them.  So here I am scheming how to get to the damned cookies when all around me are piles of other cookies that I do like but I can't see them for wanting what I was told I couldn't have.  In trying to get to the top of the fridge I end up hurting myself and blinding myself to whats around me.  When i get to the top of the fridge, cause I do, I eat the cookies that I don't even like!  Then I stand around feeling unsatisfied.  What the heck!  Yup it's crazy. 

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