Wereshark

Apr 13, 2012

 Sometimes I look at the before and after pics and insanely think that thats how it's going to happen for me; that I will be at my heaviest and then >click< I am miraculously thin and fabulous hence I get so confused when I eat the wrong foods and bigger portions on a regular basis and I'm not melting nor is the scale going down.  Just so confused like I don't understand it.  Then sanity comes back from vacation and it all makes sense.  If I eat too much and ingest more calories than I burn the scale will not go down and I will not lose weight.  Because I'm not eat nearly as much as before (I consistently ate about 4,000 calories per day) I may not gain weight right now but eventually I will if I keep it up.

The problem as I see it is that I do really good during the day time.  You know how a werewolf gets when the full moom comes out?  Well that's how I get when it gets dark.  It's like I turn into this shark cruising the waters looking to see what I find; a mindless eating machine not governed by reason.  

Breakfast and lunch I plan I eat and move on it's like the last meal, the final stretch turns into a free for all.  It's a 5-6 hour stretch but even if I guzzle water and my stomach is full I still feel hungry.  Then the physical hunger triggers my head hunger and then I turn into the shark.  All I can think of is eating eating eating.  By the time I get home and prepare something to eat I picking and then eating like I've been starving for a week.  It's very disappointing.

I don't even think to pray and ask for strength, I don't even reason.  It's not like I fight myself and say, "Easy there, slow down, chew thoroughly," because that doesn't come to my mind because I've turned into mindless eating wereshark.  I prayed this morning for awareness during those episodes and strength to resist them and courage to stop when I'm in it because I'm doing it for a reason and wisdom to figure out why.  I know He heard me.  I'm scared what I'll find out.

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