Sirene

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I moved my stupid scale back to the wall where it was before and voila!!! It went down!!! Its amazing to me that a scale can be so temperamental as to show a 10lb difference depending on where it’s placed on the floor!  

I am a bit astonished/afraid/in disbelief..etc about what the scale *does* say though….. 207!! WHAT????? TWO-OH-SEVEN……that doesn’t even make any sense….

But then I look at what I am wearing today… Can you believe I am wearing a size L skirt from Urban Planet and a size L top from Zellers today???? When I bought the top, I picked up the XL and figured it would fit me eventually….my Honey grabbed it and put it back and picked up the Large instead…I thought he was crazy!! But in all honesty, I could have probably even got a MEDIUM!!!  

I can’t even wrap my head around it! I look in the mirror and still see the same fat person, no question about it. I have zero ability to pick out clothes or dress myself! I think it’s called “body dysmorphia”? I hear it gets better?  

The problem is that women’s sizes are so random. I tried on a pair of size 16 dress pants at Mark’s the other day and couldn’t even get them past my hips….and yet a pair of 14s from Giant Tiger (of all places! whose sizes tend to run small anyways) fit me fine! I think this contributes to the idea that “I am still fat”. There is nothing worse than trying something on in a bigger size that what you currently own, to find out that it’s too small.  

The whole thing is a bit surreal and actually a bit frightening. I keep thinking I might wake up…..my only hope is that if I *do* wake up, then hopefully the part about my mom dying of cancer will also have been part of it….

Which then leads me to question whether I would trade having surgery to have my mother back….and of course the first answer that comes to my mind is yes!!!….but then I think about what she would say, and my health, and I am sure you know the rest of the feelings that go with that line of thinking….and then of course the guilt associated with that line of thinking….  

So I just choose not to go there.  

So maybe I jinxed it by mentioning that I had broken my stall.....but I got down to 214 last week....and now am back up to 217. WTF??

My Honey says to throw my scale out the window. He said its obviously broken.

I haven't changed my habits other than for a few days I didn't get in as much water as I should have. Other than that, I haven't broken my routine at all.

Trying not to panic is creating the opposite effect. I am terrified that I will gain the weight back!! and then some!!!

Years of learned behaviours and all that....3 months of losing then WHAM!!! back to watching the scale slowly rise and climb until I am right back where I started....then over the edge of that cliff!!

I am sure that other people have gone through this and I am also sure that they have had the exact same thoughts as I am having. I am sure this will pass and I will be in love with my scale by the end of the week....but for right now, I am not. Not happy with my scale, my RNY, the clinic or anyone else who has never had a stalling or gaining issue since surgery.

It's not like I ever thought this journey would be easy.....but maybe I didn't think it would be *quite* so hard :(

It's also not like I am expecting to lose 5-7lbs a week!! I don't think I am being unrealistic when I say that all I want to see is downward progress!! As long as the scale is moving in the right direction, I am a happy camper. When it starts creeping up.....I start to get worried :(

Self doubt and negative self-talk start creeping in. "Oh you should have drank your water. You should have known this would happen. Who do you think you are anyways to think you would ever be 'normal'?? "

Now, I am in a bad mood. Sundays suck.

I didn't want to say anything out loud (or rather virtually "out loud" via the interweb!) before because I was afraid that I would jinx it....but I am pretty sure my stall is broken!!!

It was a really rough go emotionally and lasted a really long time....more than 6 weeks or so, but the scale is finally moving again.

Some of the things I did: (and I am not saying any of these helped at all....it could have been just the process taking its natural course, I really don't know) I cut back on all starch carbs. The dietitian had given me examples of things to try and add in to my diet, but she had also said that she thought I was getting enough carbs simply with my intake of fruits and vegetables.....so I said screw it and I scratched the starchy carbs totally out except for a bowl of Vector cereal in the morning or 1/4c of All Bran Buds with my Greek yogurt. (I know I should be eating Kashi Go Lean but that stuff is so disgusting) I also increased my water consumption and cut down on snacking after supper.

At first the scale only moved a little....and I was afraid that it was just the stupid positioning of it again.....so I literally and physically moved it somewhere where I could just leave it in one place and not have to pull it out every time I wanted to weigh myself. It went from 221 to 219.....and I didn't say anything. Just in case....

Then to 218....stayed there for a few days...
Then 217.....that's when I finally started to believe that it really had broken! I was SOOOO relieved!!

This morning.....216!!!!
*whew*

I have decided that I am happy with that.

216lbs is less than I have ever weighed as an adult and I have decided to be happy at any weight from here on out.
You know why????
Well for one reason; I can walk for miles (ok- kilometers) without getting out of breath. My 8 year old and I walked to the store after we walked to the gym on the weekend and she had to sit down on the way home...."Aww come on! I'm so tired!" .... I told her that a 40-yr old was kicking her butt....LOL!
My knees don't hurt.
My hip is much better.
I don't feel (as) intimidated at the gym as I used to
And people I meet that haven't seen me in a long time are genuinely shocked! I LOVE that expression when they finally click in who this strange woman talking to them is....LOL! I met one of the "ballet moms" from back when Kira was in ballet (which she doesn't take any more considering it cost close to $ 800 a year) at the gym the other day. I was working out on an elliptical and she walked by......I spoke to her and she answered, but then did a double take and said...OMG!! I didn't recognize you!! You look fantastic!!!! You are so thin!!!"

I just kept going on the elliptical and said.."Thanks!! This is a really great machine! " and winked at her....LOL!
I can shop in just about any store.....I bought a skirt at Urban Planet!!! size L!!! WHAAAAAT??????

I feel very almost normal....my brain still has some catching up to do I think....but I hear that comes later. I am not too worried about it since I think I still have more losing to do....sometimes I see a difference in the mirror.....mostly I don't.

But I *feel* it....
.....and THAT....is what counts.