Onederland???

Mar 15, 2012

I weighed myself on Monday and the scale said 196lbs.

I thought it must be broken, so I waited until this morning before weighing myself again.

190lbs

I keep looking behind me and wondering when someone is going to jump out, laugh hysterically and tell me I have been Punk'd.


Really?? Could this be possible??

I have been staving off tears ever since Monday by sheer willpower and the power of denial.

Waves of panic threaten to consume me, the swell starts in my chest, making it impossible to breathe and the tears start to well up behind my eyeballs and threaten to spill out, but I know that if that dam breaks.....it's all over!!! So I just keep on believing it must be a mistake....

I just need someone to talk to who understands this panic and fear and cowardice I am feeling. Why? Why am I not just happy?? Why am I having such a hard time accepting it? Why do I feel like I am going to cry every time I think about it??
Is it success?? Have I lived with failure so long that it has become so familiar and friendly that even the mere thought of possibly succeeding is making me insane??

I should be ecstatic and thrilled and happy and glowing and jumping around but I am really just terrified. I wish I could talk to my mom.....

I will try to face it on the weekend. But right now....I am just going with the "scale is broken" theory.

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