Who WAS that woman???

Jul 19, 2012

I run an average of 5 days a week, and minimum 5kms each time. This morning I did 5kms but 2 days ago I did 7kms. I'm gearing up for a 10km race in October.  

This morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in the storefront window as I was running past. I knew it was me, but yet I didn't see it as me. Does that make sense at all? 

First thing I looked for of course, was fat. I checked out my thighs because I wanted to see how badly the flab was flapping along as I ran. Ummm....it wasn't! I have strong looking thighs and all I noticed were the muscles moving under the skin with each stride!!  Then I looked of course to my belly, figuring it was flopping up and down with each step. Again, it wasn't!! It was fairly flat and staying put!! It wasn't hanging over my shorts or stretching my shirt out to unequal and unattractive proportions! I even noticed my posture....straight and upright, shoulders back, loose arms. Excellent!!

So who was that woman reflected in the window then???? I still find it very hard to believe that was me!!!

I have always felt a bit like a fraud. I mean, not even just when I'm running, but basically even just going out in public. I just think, if people only knew that what I look like on the outside isn't whats going on inside!! On the outside, even when I was fat, I always thought I looked fairly confident and put together. Inside however, I always felt like a nervous wreck, waiting for someone to find out that really...I'm fat!!

Now though, I don't think anybody didn't already know that. But it felt like I was trying to hide the fat person inside....now looking at pictures of myself a year ago.....I really wasn't doing as good a job as I thought I was!! I think I was basically just trying so hard to be invisible so that nobody would notice me at all, let alone notice how fat I really was. IMPOSTER!!!....that's what I always imagined people would do if they noticed me in a crowd. Stand up, shout and point at me. Such a terrifying way to live.....

Even today though, I still feel a bit like an imposter!!

I imagine that things like..."look at that fat chick pretending to be a runner!!!"....are going through people's heads when they see me.  Or ....."who does that fat girl think she is, wearing regular sized clothing...and out in public too??? She should be ashamed of herself. If I were her, I would be so embarrassed to be seen in public like that!!"

I know, I know....don't let what other people think bring you down or make you afraid to do things....etc etc. I know. I am getting much better...and it is a bit easier to quiet those thoughts lately when they try to creep in....but its still something I struggle with. Even out window shopping the other day with a friend; I was looking at shoes and wanted a picture of me with a particularly awesome PINK pair. When I looked at the picture....only a few seconds after, I had to really stare at myself because it was such a startling and FOREIGN image of me, I just couldn't reconcile it with the version that's in my head.

Seeing myself this morning though....was a real awakening. That woman in the window was ME ! All tanned, muscle and fit-looking, out exercising at 5am!!! ME!!!

I am a RUNNER!

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