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(2-7-06)
Surgery Is Done!!! It took longer than expected because I have so much scar tissue already. (I am no stranger to surgery)  On a good note, the doc found two hernias while he was in there and fixed them.  (Thank you very much)
My good friend Renee took the week off of work ro help me with my family.  She has been in and out and this alows me to sleep as needed.  I guess all that free babysitting I did for her every other weekend has been payed back nicely.  No guilt either! LOL
The amazing adventures of my Gurgling glands!!!   No one told me the other woman I have shared this body with over the years would start to have conversations with me once I asked her to leave my body!  I swear everyone in the room can hear the sounds coming from my mid-drift area. 
 What I was told is I would like things one day and detest them the next.  I quickly went from crystal lite (Yuck now) to herbal tea from distain. 
I also learned that if a peer who has been there says "watch it", that you "watch it".  I ate stallone pudding for two days, then the third day my daughter brought me the container... and just the sight of the container had me gagging and almost hurling.  O.K., so pudding is on hold for a little while.  LOL  I very quickly learned to go with the medication and broken sleep.  Hey, I made no plans... so a nap every two to three hours doesn't really matter, huh. 
I have no problem getting the water in, and about 20 to 35 grams of protien.  Outside of that.  I just cannot wait to feel the shower. SOON!  And hope to increase my walking.  I cannot go far, but I do know how tired I am when I return.  So, I believe it is doing me some good.
(2-8-06)
Went to the doc today and have lost 19 lbs. the first week.  He took out the staples... all 32 of them.  my scar is 12" long and not looking too bad right now. As scars would go.  I will be increasing my protein in the next few days... and lets see how I feel after that.  Other than that, I seem to be right on track. 
(2-19-06)
So far so good.  I have a doctor predicted oozing of the scar line. It is nasty and gross, but, I can live with it. At first I was having no trouble drinking my protein and eating what I needed and getting in water.  But, in the last couple of days, I have been gagging at the thought of my protein shakes, and struggling to get them down.  Even had a day where water was just an issue to me. I am sure it was a lack of salt in my diet though.  I added some salt to my menu and suddenly the water issue faded.   I have also developed a welted rash on my left arm and both sides of my lower belly.  Yes, I will have the doctor look at them.  I am not sure why they have developed.  I am not eating anything different.  I don't think I have used any different products.  The welts have came up in the same places they gave me shots when I was in the hospital.  But, why would they rise two and a half weeks later?  We were without power for 28 hours during a artic blast... and I now know the meaning of cold.  I have never been so  happy as I am being able to get into a heated bed and sleep.  I have been getting up and out here and there.  I only last a couple of hours and then I am ready for a nap.  I am not sure if that is normal.  It feels like I am pushing myself by the time I come back.  So, it is normal for me anyways.  I cannot wait for my energy level to pick up.  I'm looking forward to having more spunk.  Everyone keeps asking me how much weight I have lost... and I keep telling them I am not scale jumping.  I am waiting for doctor apptmts to see results.  It will keep me from obsessing. (Who... Me ?!)  
(2-24-06)
I had to drop of a copy of my medical card at the doctors office , so I snuck back and jumped on the scale to see where I was.  29 pounds down at three weeks out.  O.K., so how do I feel about it?  I was trying to grasp the moment because I wasn't excited...  I wasn't disapointed... I just looked at the numbers and tried to understand that it was real.  So, all the way home I tried to remember when was the last time I lost 29 pounds.  I know in 2002, when I joined the gym, I lost 30 pounds and kept it off... for as long as I went to the gym.  It came back with a vengence when I stopped.  I had joined weight watchers 2 years ago and it took me 4 months to lose 15 pound.  4 months for 15 pounds!  I have lost 29 pounds in 25 days.  No wonder losers find it hard to see themselves differently.  In reality I can already see a difference in my face and all.  The day to day life  just doesn't add up to such a loss.  I am still healing, trying to get enough water and protien in, and keeping up with life around me.  Not having a scale is good.  This limited pound checking is keeping me from stressing on the losses and working on the goals. 

(1-3-06)
I got my date today!!  I went in and pre-payed the surgeon and we set the date for January 31st.  What a releif it is.  I am smiling ear to ear and feel a big weight lifted.  Now the real work will begin.  But I don't think I have ever looked forward to watching my weight go down as I am knowing it will not come back on agian. 
(1-14-06)
Yesterday I went to my PCP and my blood pressure and pulse were back to normal.  Go figure with the Insurance stress all gone! I ride a rollercoaster of confidence and daydreaming of the future, and worrys and frets of what might happen, both with the surgery... and if I opted out.
 I have been nesting around the house and cleaning every corner.  Even orginizing the garage and all the containers of things.  I am of course doing so now, because I was "planning" to do these things during recovery and my dear freinds reminded me, that during healing time... I would be healing, not orginizing my life.   So, being the control freak that I am... I am doing the work now so it won't be there to tempt me later. 
How bad am I you ask?!  This is the gal that couldn't have a suprise birthday party because that sort of thing unnerves me.  I had to know... not only know but help plan because everyone forgot to get plates and needed a list of all my friends.  (Because I have trust issues and am a cook amoungst many servers. its a terrible thing. (I am in a 12 step program, LOL .)  Really it comes from working a 10 hour day and then coming home to take care of three other people whom are disabled, and cannot care for themselves... and when my ship is steadily on course, I am calm.  When the sea's are rough watered and things are adrift, I go crazy.  Thats me.  With the captain down soon... the first mates are on there own.  They will be glad when I sleep.LOL
(1-16-06)
Do you know what really stinks... As a fat person you get left out of a lot of things because you are overweight.  From softball teams to cake and ice cream... you are the fat sacrificial lamb.  Now my work is doing one of those "Biggest Loser " contests.  I am not entering because I beleive it would not be fair... but I did go tell them that I wanted to join in on some of the fun.  Now I cannot play with the other kids because I would win.  Life stinks!!  The girls running it are great and they told me they would see what they can do for me.  They don't see why I wouldn't join in on the fun.  I know I still have to diet and I still have to excersise... So why not play with the others.  ( I know I will be the biggest loser... and I will keep it off.) I worry about how some of these people are going to try and lose weight.  I even have two co-workers pigging out now trying to put a couple pounds on before the contest starts.  NOW HOW LAME IS THAT!!I have been trying hard not to gain weight before surgery because I figure, why add to the problem if you don't have to. 
Another side of my day was worrying about the 401k monies which haven't come through yet.  I need to have the hospital paid pre-surgery and the check will have a 5 day hold for clearance before I can spend it.  Anyhow, I have been stressing all day about the 2 thousand I need out of the money to pay the hospital.  But, once agian my mom has come through and she will cover what I am short.  she says I need to be stress free at this point.  Two weeks to go!  One week till my pre-op appointments.  I feel my mood changing to a more serious side of me. Hopefully this won't last too long since this weekend some of my friends are gathering for drinks and celebrating my surgery.  I just need to get through  this week of work.  (and get that check, darn it!)

(1-26-06)

I HAVE A DEATH WISH
I WISH IT WOULD WAIT
THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO
IN THIS LIFE THAT IS GREAT
WATCHING MY KIDS GROW
RAKING UP LEAVES
THE FIRST SIGN OF SPRING
A FRESH SUMMER BREEZE
HORSES AND SADDLES
I FIT INTO WELL
SECRETS I KNOW OF
AND NEVER WILL TELL
THE FRIENDS AND THE PARTIES
SUMMER BEACH GAMES
GOING ON 'ADVENTURES'
WITH SILLY NEW NAMES
LET ME JUST WAKE UP
AND GO ON WITH MY LIFE
I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO
ONCE OUT FROM UNDER THE KNIFE

Today was my last day of work before the surgery.  I was such a stressed mess waiting for the damn call on the 401K check.  I even called my boss by the wrong name. I just stood their like a fumbling idiot and apologized.  He just laughed.  Anyways, the check came in and I left work a happy girl.
Last Tuesday was my Pre-op appointments with the Surgeon and the Hospital.  It was great to watch the doctors expressions when he asked me if I had any questions and I started to tell him what all I had learned about effects and experiences I may have after the surgery.. knowledge I have gained from message boards here.  He looked amazed and told me I was right on track.  That made me feel good.  At the end of the exam, I gave him a gift, wrapped in masculine paper, and the tag was a comic strip I had found in November.  It had a Doctor feverishly playing the 'operation' game, and the nurse was calming a worried patient, saying,"don't worry, he doesn't start the surgery till he wins three games in a row".  ( Of course the gift was a operation game.  He turned beet red and smiled ear to ear.  He laughed out loud and shook the present like a little kid.  He knew what was inside and said he was going to put it in the waiting room for DISPLAY.  Then he left the room before me and started showing the gift to everyone .
Next it was off to the hospital for x-rays and blood work.  I paid them their fee's.  So now I am ready to go.  I was suprised to find out I am to go off my Diabetes meds on Saturday.  My kidney meds I can take all the way up to surgery.  But, off the Diabetes meds means I will feel like crud by Monday.  Along with stress and anxiety.. I am not sure how smooth the weekend will go.  I do know I have a lot to do to keep me busy!  Still nesting.  I think it is becoming a hobbie. LOL 

(1-29-06)
SUCCESSFULLY SELFISH
I HAVE FINALLY ACHIEVED
THINKING OF NO ONE
NOBODY BUT ME
WHO WOULD IMAGINE
I COULD DO SUCH A FEAT
PUTTING MYSELF FIRST
NOW THAT IS A TREAT!
NOT THINKING OF LOVED ONES
I CAN BE WITH FOR YEARS
NOT THINKING OF DEBTS
NOT THINKING OF FEARS
BUT ONLY MYSELF
MY HEALTH AND A THOUGHT
OF HOW TO AVIOD
THE PERVERBIAL PLOT
NOT ABOUT SEXY
NOT ABOUT BO'S
FUTURE WEDDINGS AND BABIES
AS MY GIRLS GROW
WHO WOULD HAVE IMAGINED
ME WITH SUCH GREED
SUCCESSFULLY SELFISH
I FINALLY ACHIEVED!
Of course I am sitting here typing because I cannot sleep and I am nervous and excitied and my mind is going a million miles an hour.  My kids are finally off to sleep, my mom has been hybernating all day, and my last meal was tacos, with two chocolate chip cookies and a half a glass of milk for dessert.  The funny thing is, this weekend... even being the last weekend to eat freely, wasn't coming up on the food priority list.  I kept busy finishing all my projects and paying a lot of attention to my kids.  It feels good right now.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad.  I have anxiety.  But, it is control based and not dieing from surgery based.  I know I will feel like crud... I know I will have to face my mental deamons.... I know no matter how supportive some people have been, they will have a hard time with me as spring rolls into summer and I am still restrictive on eating and not drinking.  Those who have destructive habits when others diet will fall wayside to my strong will to succeed, and my inability to give in.  That will be good for me in the first 6 months.  Building a foundation of the new me.  My good friend Renee has started a diet and will be losing weight on her own while I work at my own path.  The neighbor and Renee have both offered to join me at a gym when I get o.k.ed to do so.  I will so love that.  So, now I have emptied my mind of a lot of chatter.  Maybe I can get a few hours sleep.  (I will add it to the 4 hours I have gotten in the last 36 hours.LOL) 

12/3/05
The rest of this month has been a horrible nightmare.  I went for my EKG which was indicating I had previously had a Heart attack.  I did a cat scan tosee if I just have an irregular heart beat.  O.K. Then the blood tests had to be redone.  This put another delay on getting back to the Insurance.  It was not anyones fault things were falling apart, they just were.  Dr. huiras tried hard to get everything together and even put a cover page and nice letter together in support of my surgery.  But, the Insurance still said it came to late to them and since my company was changing insurance at the end of December, they did not have time to process it.  The surgeon would not of had time to schedule a date.  It just wasn't happening.  So, does that mean it wasn't ment to be.  I was sitting on my couch today and praying... "GOD, is this something I should do?  Is this what you want for me?  I am not sure what to do at this point. So, you let me know."  Right in the middle of this meditation, I hear a thump on my porch.  I get up to see what is making the noise and see a girl getting into a white truck and driving away.  I walk over and open my front door to find two very large garbage bags full of clothes.  Not just any clothes, but clothes from two sizes smaller than me down to a 14!  They were all cleaned and pressed and beautiful.  I got on the phone to my dear Judy whom had also just left clothes for me.  It was her friend Janet dropping off more clothes for me to lose into.  NOW, if that wasn't a timely answer... I don't know what was. 
The other good news was from my mother.  She has offered to help put up the moneys to finance the insurance share of my surgery.  I will of course be paying her back since she put it on the house.  But, the one time I tried to protest her generosity (on Christmas eve with my Aunt and Uncles)  I was told to "shut up and take it", in a Choir of voices from a very supporting family.  I will always remember them doing that.  It took me back and lifted me up all at once.  What a Christmas present to recieve. 
Now, normally my thoughts are a mess of death and worry about after the surgery problems.  But, after going to the dentist today and being told to come back in 6 months for my next cleaning... I suddenly got the realization that there are people I only see once or twice a year who will see the most dramatic changes in me.  This is exciting to think about. 
I am calling my surgeon back on Wed. January 4, 2006 to see about coming in and paying for the surgeon.  Once that is done, we will set a date.  I have also been in contact with the Hospital, which said I will have to pay them in full at least 3 days prior to surgery.  That leaves the Anesthesiologist and the Pathologist.  As well as any X-ray cost.  But I think I have the estimations pretty close, so finances are going to be covered.   Hell, some people buy cars, I buy weight loss. ( Come to think of it, many people buy the hope of weight loss, just not the success.) Either way, there are payments.  (and tax Deductions.LOL)

11/3/05
     Still waiting for a reply from Insurance.  I can soooooo relate to others on the message board who are anxious, depressed, and worried.  I ride a rollercoaster of good and bad feelings.  Worse yet, I called the Nurse at my doctors office to ask some questions about how to handle my financial responsibilities, and she so got mad and defensive.  I swear she took everthing I said personal.  I finally had her give me to her supervisor.  He was very nice, said in her defense, most don't ask questions about finances, they just ask for more time.  All I wanted to know was If insurance said they would pay... how should I bill my insurance?  Could I get the CPTcode numbers for the doctors service and units per service, and compare them to the CPT codes and units in the hospital costs.  Then I can see where I will benifit more from Insurance adjustments before they pay.  I will also benifit from owing less overcosts myself.  Hey, my Insurance has a flat 10 thousand toward this surgery.  I have to out of pocket the rest, and frankly I don't make a lot of money.  The same nurse asked me to only call and 'bother' her once a week, since so many people besides me are waiting for surgery.  I told her I am asked to make a personal choice, so don't put me in a group of others and treat us all as one.  We each deserve respect for our choices.  When I call, I want her to address me only.  That was before this, so I may have gotten on her bad side.  Tuff.  She isn't very proffessional if she talks to everyone this way.  There, there is a vent from me.  I am better now.
11/13/05Still waiting and wating and waiting.... Insurance is taking longer than the 10 working days they predicted they would take.  I am trying to keep busy and not panic that the Holidays are almost here and I have no surgery date.  I think about the reality that a few months ago I had not made this decision and for 41 years I have lived this way.  So two weeks isn't anything.  (But an eternal clicking war time torture they give us to make us crazy and really catch every moment of our day feeling how fat and unhappy we truly are.) That way when we are finally free and lighter and healthier, we will never go back, we remember this moment.  LOL   I saw my friend Judy whom had surgery 8 weeks ago.  All I can say is WOW, I could see the difference, in her looks, and how well she spoke of herself.  I love having her as a lifeline.  (Hugs to you Judy)   Work is ready for me to go out for this at any time. I submitted my paperwork for financial withdrawl on my retirement fund.  I have all the loans I need.  I did everything I can think of that I can do at this point.  I even called my HR department and asked Amy to see me on Monday.  It is historically known that if HR gets on our Insurance, we get results. (Our insurance is private... so the company has a lot of say in what happens.)  It has worked for me so far.  Lets hope it gives me a farwell send off.  We are switching to an HMO at the new year. YUK! 
On the lighter side of heavy heats, My kids and I are filling our time with good thoughts and activities to keep me going.  My freinds arent doing a bad job themselves.  Everyone is so sure I made the right chioce.  Anyone who has seen me struggling all these years knows my determination and that I can do this.  Hell, even I believe I can do this! That is a first.  With Judy, I reminded her that all the weight she lost now is more than she lost in years.  It is like buying a contract that says, use this product right and you will have success.  (There, now I am in a good mood.)  I'll just quit while I am smiling and happy.
 11/20/05
 So the Surgeon's nurse called today and told me Insurance wants more information from my PCP, and has taken so long to decide that I need to redo my labs.  I was furious.  Called Insurance and said a lot of nasty things about them dragging their feet and puposely delaying responses to me.  But, all that kicking and screaming does me no good.  I knew it in the back of my head the whole time I was fuming.  I hung up and cried for a half hour while my poor girls rubbed my head and held my hand.  (I am not good at weak moments because I want them to know I am strong).  How come it is so much easier for me to go to bat for everyone elses health needs.  I won't back down for anything, yet, today I felt like giving up.  I have been holding all my emotions in waiting for an answer.  Well, anyways.  After a good cry, I called my PCP and made an appointment.  Since it snowed today they had lots of openings, and I was just crazy enough to drive down to see him.  We talked and he agreed to help me with everything.  I will go back down on Monday to do a blood draw on a fast.  And an EKG that is not hampered by stress and coffee.  (Todays was too fast).  The nurse faxed over information on what insurance said it needed.  I hope Dr. Huiras can get it out in time. 

BEING INVISIBLE IS A POWERFUL THING
TO STAND IN A CROWD WHO CANT SEE MY BEING
MOVING ABOUT WITHOUT CARRESS
kNOWING JUST WHY, I MUST CONFESS
TAUNTERS ADDRESS ME FROM YARDS AWAY
SINGLE MEN DON'T REALLY CARE IF I STAY
BEING A LOSER CAN TURN THIS AROUND
THEN WILL I REALLY LIKE WHAT I FOUND?
WILL I STILL RECONGIZE CADDY AND TAUNT
IS ATTENTION REALLY WHAT I WANT?
I KNOW THE ANSWER IS NO, NOT FOR ME
BUT, I CAN NOLONGER STAY WHAT THEY SEE
I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR ME AND MY HEALTH
NOT FOR BEAUTY, AND NOT FOR WEALTH
JUST TO LESSEN THE SOLID ME THAT I AM
AND REMEMBER THOSE TRUE... BOTH FAMILY AND FRIEND
                       CAROL BLAKELY
                        10/10/05
I am one of those people whom never do anything without a good understanding of what I am getting into.  WLS is no exception.  This forum is a great way for me to deal with the emotional side of the changes I am going through, and my doctor is open and honest about anything asked of him.  Being a private person outside of my friends and family is important too.  So please dont think me unfriendly for what I don't share, though I probably will. Just as I will continue to think of you all as a Godsent for what you do.  Every journey is so personal... and mine is my way of fighting for my life, and the lives I care for who rely on me.  I am thankful to have all the support I have at home, for my Uncle and neighbor who paved the way before me to take some of the fear out of those who do not want to lose me.  I can see my future for the first time with an image of a thinner, healthier me in it.  When I think about the future, I have hope.  When I think about the surgery to get there... I have faith in God to keep me safe.  Now, I have this sight to answer the questions in my head... because you have the same concerns.  We are all not that different and it makes me feel sane.   
10/21/05
I must admit I am amazed at all the support my family and friends are giving me .  I have spent the last week in the 'cone of silence' waiting for the doctor to tally up my papers to send to insurance.  This has got to be one of the longest waits we go through.  (I can hear the Jeopardy music in the back of my mind).  But friends kept me busy all week and weekend.  This has relieved all the negitive thoughts I was sporting and helps me to visualize my future in a better light.  I like the way it makes me feel.  I am happy but impatient.  O.K.     10/30/05
     Just when I thought I couldn't take the silence any more, the nurse calls and says they sent off the paperwork to the insurance.  (Big sigh)  I now feel like I should do all the things I need to to prepare my family for an upcoming surgery and post op  life.  Now I feel good that things are moving, and after talking to the insurance company... have a window of time that they need to process my claim.  They told me to call back in 5 days if I haven't heard from them.  They would let me know how 'we' are progressing to approval.  That made me feel really at ease.  We will see how long they take.  I have heard from a day to 6 months for most people.  So, I am hopeful mine will be progressive.