Tammy H.
My story begins with a family full of full figured women..........well I guess I should say people........and I guess I should say.....some of us couldnt get any fuller of a figure!! ............As for myself........I have been heavy since I was young......It never got in my way....I had lots of friends, was very active, had no trouble getting boy friends...etc.....I done real well after the birth of my 1st child, went right back into my clothes I wore before she was born.......Then 4 years later I had my second child......this time a boy.....10lbs 2ft!!!! This time there was no hope getting back into my old clothes as I had gained close to 100 lbs with this pregnancy!........I did loose some but never got back down to my reg size.......but still...... I had carried well and still had no trouble getting around and being active........3 years later I divorced my alcoholic-abusive husband........ over the next year I lost aprox 50 lbs with
out even trying...... then 5 years later I married for my second time......to find out I had landed myself into another abusive relationship......by now Im dealing with depression........and I guess food became my best friend....I only managed to deal with that life for about 2 years.....I packed a bag for me and both my children and left everything else behind after he tried to kill me infront of my children........although the depression had worsened I knew I had 2 good reasons to pull myself together and get on with life.......2 years later I did remarry.......I will never have to worry about getting hit again........God sent me a very gentle & caring man.......I gained 2 step-daughters as well........It was no picnic ajusting to putting two families together but we were getting there......Then out of the blue my mother had a heart attack.......and after the first one it was one thing or another with her health and I was always running with doctor apts or running back and forths from the hospital to home trying to keep everything balanced and running smooth.......THEN........my 17 year old daughter was in a car accident and had to have surgery on her shoulder.....Scary at first but I was so thankful a banged up shoulder was all we had .......5 months later we were sent to St.Louis Childrens Hospital at 7p.m. at night becasue they had discovered she had a abcessed kidney.....with all the urgency I was scared as ????.......but I took a deep breath and assured her things were going to be fine......they done all their tests to find out exactly what caused the abcess and what antibiotics to use.....then after 9 days sent us home with and IV and meds they taught me to hook up to her.......5 days later she had a reaction and once again I was headed to 4 hours away to the hospital in the middle of the night........ they changed over another antibiotic and she seemed to be doing fine until 3 days later.....This time THANK GOD WE WERE AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!! because this time it hit fast and hard......at first I wanst to worried....but it got worse than bad and I was getting worried.....then they put us our own nurse in the room with us and the doctor was in the room every 15 minits........then they finally told me things were not looking to well......I thought I would die....I was alone 4 hours away from all our other family......I couldnt believe I took my child there to get better and now they think she might not make it thru the night ......BUT.... THE GOOD LORD WAS WITH US ..... aprox 12 hours later the meds they gave her to stop the reaction started to work and her fever dropped from 104.2 down to 100.6..........we were there for several more days and again went home with IV drugs but by now they had messed up all of her viens so we had to go to a pic line in her arm......by the next run to the hospital we had to go to a central line in her chest... but the meds were working an we had no more reactions....and she was back to going to school part time....8 months later they finally released her with a clean bill of health.......I forgot to mention during those 10 months my mother had 2 more heart attacks.... my daughter missed out on most everything during her senior year because of the kidney thing.. but she kept her grades up and graduated with her class in may.2003...... In June she was diagnosed with cervical cance!!! But I stayed strong and kept my head up.......Then........2 months after they took out part of her cervix, We found out she had Indometreosis..............Ok this time the depression kicked back in........but I had a few med changes and picked myself back up and kept going......they went in and cleaned it up but it came right back so they put her on shots to try and stop it.... these shots put her in a state of menapause....but she is a trooper......she hung in there and kept on going......she got married in Sept 2003 and kept dealing with the shots and all the scope procedures to try and help clean her back up.....then in Jan 2004 they told us they were going to clean up her one more time but if it didnt work they would have to do a hystorectomy.....SHES 18 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!! so they did go in and clean her up again...but she was do for another one of her shots and they forgot to give it to her till she went to the doctor 2 weeks later... she was to go back 4 weeks later to get her next shot.... but 3 weeks later she got sick and couldnt stop vomiting....I took her to the ER because we figured she had the flu and we were in hopes of getting something to stop the vomiting.....he thought it might be viral so he done blood work......I sat in the waiting room while we waited for the blood work to come back and she got released......fianlly 1 1/2 hours later I looked up to see her coming out....but a nurse was coming with her............she looked me eye to eye till she reached me.......she stopped in front of me and said mom you need to set down......downs almost where I went toooooooo.......that was the closest to fainting Ive ever come in my life......all I could think ... was ...PLEASE GOD!!!!!! NOT SOMETHING ELSE.....HOW MUCH CAN MY BABY TAKE.....I chose not to sit and ask her what was wrong..... and she said..... MOM THE DOCTOR SAID I DONT HAVE THE FLU.........I HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK!!!!!!!!!! That was my second time in my life I almost fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all she had to go thru and Indure my baby was after all going to get the chance to have her own baby!!!!!!! She didnt have a terrible pregnancy but It wasnt easy.....we had a bought with her kidneys again and she almost had to have a stent put in and she ended up haveing to be on bed rest for several months but in the end we got us a perfect & beautiful baby girl........2 months later they did a partial hystorectomy..... and 6 months after that they had to take out one of her ovaries.....her doctor chose to just take the bad one becasue she was so young and after all she had been thru in the prior 2 1/2 years she didnt want her to have to deal with menapause on top of it.........My lil princess turned 2 Nov 9 2006 and her mothers been doing pretty good.......we have still had a couple more close calls with my mother but Im so thankful things slowed down a bit.................In those 3 years of all our ordeals I about run myself to death......I spent as much time in hospitals as I did at home with my other children......and with being on the run as much as I was I didnt take time to think about myself or pay attention to the changes with my weight....I did what I had to do and kept going......but during all this time I had stoped being as active as I normally was.....eat on the run or just grabbed a bag of chips or candy bar to hold me till I found time to eat a normal meal.........
Now here I am Jan 2007......I carry an extra me and I cant stand to walk long enough to shop for groceries....have to set down 2-3 times just to do supper dishes.....wore out by the time I shower,wash my hair and get dressed.....I could name a million things that has changed.......now Its my weight and lack of energy and lack of ability that is causing the depression.......
I feel like I lost me .......that may sound crazy to some people....but Its a terrible feeling!!!!!!!!!
But my will is NOT lost.......I want me back!!!!!!!!! I want to not be depressed...not take blood pressure meds......not be scared every time I feel a little twitch that Its my turn to have a heart attack.....I want to be able to reach my feet...fit in a tub....shave my own legs.....not be constantly in fear I might smell because of a leaky bladder or sweat between fat rolls.......again I could go on forever!!!!
I am sad it got this far and I need to go this route for assistance in getting back to the old me ....(OR WHO KNOWS........AND EVEN BETTER ME!!!! ) but Im thankful the help is out there and Im so looking forward to the journey to a new way of life and a smaller me...........Thank you for reading my story......Please Pray for me if you will and drop a line anytime.......God Bless........Tammy
