4aLHSMe

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I had my 90 day post op visit last Friday, I've lost 45 lbs since the surgery (49 lbs) altogether. Not as much as I expected but not bad either, I'm down 3 dress sizes and that feels totally amazing. I don't see much difference in my physical appearance so if it weren't for being down 3 dress sizes I'd question whether I'd lost any at all. People are starting to notice which is also encouraging. I'd probably lose more weight if I stuck to my exercise and calories more regimentally. I exercise at least twice a week which I have a love/hate relationship with, I LOVE the results but don't always love the workout. My physicality is what I notice the most, I can move with significantly less awkwardness and joint pain. I have more stamina and strength, I feel more capable, confident and energetic- all of which feels wonderful. 

Do I still battle my demons - absolutely! but the "bad" habits and negativity are becoming less impactful and are more infrequent. Am I still a compulsive overeater and a food addict - ABSOLUTELY! but I'm working on it and I'm more in control than I ever have been before. Life is Good! 

For my fellow OH'ers - Stay Encouraged and true to your tool, surround yourself with Positivity! All will work out in the end, it will take time but you're worth it! 

P.S. 

We're doing Foam Fest 5K again this year (May 30th Louisville, KY) - my goal is to complete ALL the obstacles and if possible, finish in a faster time (although, you're not always able to control that part) - wish me luck! 

Had my 2 week post op appointment today and got the all clear to move on to the next stage - pureed foods. Yippee! I've got the all clear to do anything physically and will return to work in a week. I could have gone back on Monday but decided to take a few additional days to focus on getting a routine down and I still have diarrhea. I was hoping that would be gone before I went back to work but the doc says it may take some time (gradually over months) and to take imodium if it's really bothering me. Well shoot, I don't want to be a big baby b/c all in all my recovery has been pretty easy but geesh this will make day 10 with fluids going in and what feels like more fluids coming out. I literally can FEEL my intestines moving and it sounds like a thunderstorm in my belly pretty much most of the day but it's worse at night. Anyone else have the same issue? I hate to have to go back to work with a diaper on (LOL) but sadly the precaution may just save me from an embarrassing situation. For the sake of keeping it real, leakage happens. I know ewwwww. I'm right there with you. In any case, I'm going to try the imodium and see if it helps even though I don't want to take another pill. My left incision site is still infected but greatly improved. I'm to let him know if it begins to leak (ewww again). I don't think it will though, in just a week it's improved greatly and itches like a mad dog on occasion so I take that as a good sign. 

Speaking of which, I don't know why taking pills bothers me now, Lord knows I'm taking the same amount maybe even a pill or two less than before RNY but I REALLY dread taking my vitamins and other meds. Taking pills makes me physically uncomfortable now. It's a short term feeling - maybe 30 minutes or less but none the less I think after I finish this bottle of calcium pills I'm going to try the chews or the melts. It's got to be easier. I've changed to a chewable multivitamin and a liquid B12 which helps. Has anyone tried the calcium chews or melts? Pro/Cons?

My next follow up appointment is in 2 weeks, I hope to be another 20lbs down by then. Since I'm released to do anything physical (within reason & pain free) I'm starting back on my fitness routine at the Y tomorrow. I start with a personal trainer on 2/26, Brandon. Brandon swears I will be hurting when he's through with me. I'm sure if he has me doing much of anything that'll happen so HA HA on him. LOL! 

I had to go to the doctor yesterday, one of my incision sites is infected. Luckily it wasn't bad enough to reopen the site. I'm on antibiotics and they said it's fairly common with the left side incision since that's where they do most of the pulling etc. It really isn't that painful but I didn't want to take any chances. It's red, heated and hard as a rock (about the size of a tangerine), can't be too careful. The other sites are really looking amazing- I told someone earlier, the human body is a miracle, it really is. The site where they had the sypon thingy is barely even noticeable now and it was an open HOLE when I left the hosipital on Sunday. In addition to that I have 5 incision sites and all but the one is healing wonderfully. Truly miraculous = Today, I did 35 minutes on the bicycle and I could have done more but time was short. I WANTED to do more. That's a good feeling. 

BTW - what's up with all the horse pills..geesh! In class we learned our pills needed to be less than the size of an M&M but literally none of the pills I take are that small. My calcium pill,which I take twice a day, has to be broken into 3 bits to get it to the size of an M&M. Although, I now have gone to crushing it and putting it in my food - nice trick, I recommend it. The antibiotic pill I got yesterday is double the size of my calcium pill - I had to laugh. You'll be happy to know that I came off 3 medications the day I went into the hospital and I have already cut my insulin intake by nearly 65%. It's working........wooo hoooo! 

I haven't lost any weight yet, I've actually gained almost 20lbs. but I'm attributing that to mostly water weight and a faulty scale. I weighed in at my weekly diabetes educ class at the Y and I just don't trust the scale. Anywoo....I'll wait until my 2 week post op appt next week to get a true measure.  What can I say about this past week - well it's been a transition. By that I mean I feel kinda in limbo, setting up the foundation for what's to come. Pain wise - not so bad, I was up and walking the same day (they make you) and it's true - you feel much better after a walk. The surgery went well, no hitches. The nursing staff was wonderful and caring, with the exception of maybe one or two who were just a little less personable. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days because I didn't get my fluids in for the day. You definately have to be mindful of your "eating" once I fixated on the goal I got the job done and progressed to protein shakes the next day. My lifesaver was the popsicles -yum! I wasn't dehydrated but be prepared for orange pee, I was told it's due to the "washing" solution they use during surgery. Also, I had a most unpleasant experience on day 2 with liquid flatulence (let's just leave it at that but be prepared). The worst thing about this past week physically is just feeling so uncomfortable, I feel bloateded and there isn't a comfortable position no matter what I try to do. However, I can honestly say I feel improvement every single day. Today is the first day since my surgery that I have slept through the night. Mentally, well that's another story - the first couple of days after being home I was depressed, "what have I done to myself" "I'll never be normal again" "how am I going to do this" - It's ALOT, no doubt about it. I've been blessed to have my husband here to keep me on track with my fluids and protiens because I honestly think those first couple of days home after the hospital I just wouldn't have cared. But as I said each day has been brighter and I feel more capable (thank GOD it's not raining today -it's been raining and gray and cold for the last 4 days) that I CAN do this and WILL be successful in making the lifestyle changes necessary. I've been wanting to push on moving into the purried foods but I read an article on BatricEating.com that reminded me that this liquid diet is necessary to heal my body and make it stronger. I don't want to jeopardize that just because I want more consistency and flavor in my food, that's the old me using and wanting food for all the wrong reasons. During this week, I'm not ashamed to admit that I have thought about the time I could have a sliver of cake, doughnut, pizza or a burger with relish and anticipation. I'm not ashamed because I know it's a weakness of mine, knowing that will allow me to create a plan of action that will replace those bad eating habits. Not that I won't ever have any of those things but they'll be the rare occassion rather than the daily occassion. 

Well, I'm off to the Y for my first  post op workout. I've been walking daily and getting out and about, but nothing too strenuous - mostly retail therapy. Don't worry no heavy lifting, just some time on the treadmill or eliptical. Take care everyone - TTYL 

My surgery is tomorrow and at this very moment that seems so surreal to me. I have been prepping for the surgery for over a year, taking classes, seeing doctors, researching, reading etc. etc doing everything my insurance requires and now the moment is near....eek. I've got butterflies - am I doing the right thing? I mean, once it's done it can't be undone. I am permanently changing my body because I'm too weak willed to accomplish this all on my own. Sounds harsh but that's how I'm feeling right now. For over 6 years I refused surgery as an option " I can do it on my own" while meanwhile my health and body continued to decline. In the end I paid a dear price for my denial. I have to snap myself out of this self defeatist mindset and continue to remind myself I'm WORTH it. This IS a weighty decision (no pun intended) but it should be.  By the same token I can't deny the battle waging in my head, my addiction craves the food I want - I literally have visions of "sugar plums" dancing in my head and pizza and ice cream and restaurant weeks and family holiday meals - how will I survive in this new world I'm forcing upon myself. Can you believe just thinking about it right now is causing me to tear up! over food! how ridiculous is that?!

Then there is the other side, excited and eagerly anticipating the woman I always thought I could be. A powerhouse in mind, body and spirit. A woman worthy of my husband, a brilliant example to my daughter, an engaging and playful grandma and a confident professional woman. AND  able to wear all those beautiful clothes! LOL. I know I deserve this, I know I am blessed and I know this is a good decision, an appropriate decision but I can't help thinking I could still do this on my own right, I mean shoot - I have lost 12-20 lbs in the last month or so (depending on which scale I use) with most of that coming off during the last couple of weeks on the Liver reducing diet. I've adjusted to the diet, I could just do that right until I lose the 163 lbs to goal? 

I'm just trying to get out of my head, verbalizing helps, having this forum and you helps. Tomorrow will come and I will have the surgery and I'm sure I'll go through withdrawal but I'm also equally sure that this is the best option for me. 

I started the pre-op diet last Thursday and today is Monday: it feels a lot longer than just 4 days. I've been all over the place with how I feel both emotionally and physically, with my food cravings, with just about anything related to food. I knew the mind stuff was going to be the hardest - I'm an addict. I've rationalized little cheats here and there but I haven't given in to my appetite entirely. For the most part I'm keeping to the high protein, low card diet. I can do better with my liquids I'm not consistently getting in 8 glasses a day and I'm stretching the boundaries with snacking on high protein stuff like hummus and celery, dried soy beans and jerky. Today I gave into an extra protein bar and 2 weight watcher cookies yesterday. My mind is telling me that these actions aren't good indicators of future success - that's why I'm blogging about it. If I verbalize it then it's more real and I MUST acknowledge and act on these self defeating behaviors. GET IT TOGETHER GIRL! 

They tell you in the prep classes I had to take for the surgery to make small, realistic and achievable goals; don't let a set back derail you from your goal and know they self - "Hi, my name is Lina and I'm a food addict. I don't want food to control me anymore, I want to be leaner, healthier and sexier - even though I've never met that person I know she's somewhere in me just waiting to see the light of day." So my goal starting in the next minute and for the rest of today (taking it minute by minute, hour by hour) is to get up out of this chair, finish my household chores, telework for a couple of hours, pick up my hubby, have a protein drink together, go to diabetes class, exercise for at least an hour, come home have my evening snack, take my meds and go to bed. Remember girl - you play your cards right and it could mean no more diabetes, no more related meds and all the cute clothes you can afford.

Physical wellbeing:  I'm on an insulin pump but surprisingly haven't had to cut back too much. I've reduced my insulin intake by 25% and have had 3 lows where i've broken out in a cold sweat and just felt incapable of really moving. Probably 3 others where I've felt a low coming and have addressed it relatively quickly. Hmm... that could be why I've been so up and down emotionally - I'll have to monitor that more closely.Started weight resistance training yesterday as all the posts I've seen mention weight lifting as a means to help reduce the amount of excess flesh. Today is lower body workout but I'm having bad back spasms so I'm not sure I'm going to lift weights today, may just go with Cardio. In addition to the  back spasms I feel very bloated today, I wonder if that's the protein? It's very uncomfortable. The past 4 days I've had low energy, I'm not an active person physically but mentally my mind races from early morning to afternoon. I'm relatively alert if perhaps a bit ADD. As you can tell I'm a morning person, I like being a morning person, it's what I know - my peak productive time is about 8 hours and then a gradual decline over the afternoon and a sharp decline in the evening but the last 4 days I barely peak and feel really whipped midday to about early evening where I'll get a brief second wind. It's weird and throwing me off, I hope it's not indicative of the next 4-6 weeks while I'm on the liquid/mushy diet. 

The little voice in my head is saying your life is about to change in a very big way girl, be prepared for whatever comes!