If you could just loose that weight...

Feb 22, 2014

I am not used to "blogging" but here goes.  I just read another post today about having WLS to look better.  That was a great post!

I have been overweight since about the age of 10.  "Chubby" they called it.  It was hard to find children's clothing that would fit and my friends were all skinny.   I was the eyesore to so many members of my extended family.  My most favorite grandmother was once upset with me because, after she and my mom had made dresses for me, I was still too fat to wear them.  That was heartbreaking.

My other grandmother, when I was 19, said to me "you have such a pretty face.  If you could just lose that weight you would be beautiful".  That has hung onto me like a bee on honey and the sting is horrible even tho I am now 58 and she has passed on.

I went thru my childhood ok. My friends didn't tease me for being chubby.  But as I got older and went to Jr. High, no boys would ask me to the dances, or carry my books in the hall.  Senior high was the same thing only it hurt a bit more.  I didn't go to the prom or any dance.  I wasn't invited to parties and only one boy ever asked to hold my books and walk down the hall with me.  But I was certain he was only doing it to play some sort of joke on me so I told him "no thank you".  

Several years ago, I took a very deep, introspective look at myself.  I accepted all my faults, and my virtues.  And I came to decide that my grandmother did a terrible thing to me by saying what she did.  She probably did not mean to, but c'mon!  I was 150 lbs!  At 5'6", which I was then, my proper weight was between 135-140.  That comment wounded me and I have never forgotten it.  But in my introspection, I realized that it had to be forgiven so I could go on.  My best friends from childhood through high school were beautiful!  Tall, slender, and then there was me.  And I was made to feel that way every single time by the boys. At this stage of my life, I know that I am more than my weight.  But, as a teenager, it was a cruel blow every time it happened.

Society is cruel.  People can be the most enigmatic, generous, loving, we have ever known.  But when it comes to judging others by their looks, we are horribly mean sometimes. 

 I married the best man on earth at 22 years old. We were married almost 20 years before he passed away.  I had been sheltered all those years from the mean comments and looks. It didn't matter to me because I was on the arm of this very handsome man.  But I gained weight every year we were together and that is what he saw and felt with his last breath.  Me...fat.

Maybe I have been punishing myself for all the years since. I could loose the weight but could not keep it off, no matter what.  I think my son grew up embarrassed about me but he won't say.   

It isn't just about looking better.  I am tired of pain, tired of feeling less than human when I get "those looks" from others.  Tired of wondering, when will my blood pressure go up, will I be diabetic?  Will I follow in my family footsteps and have heart trouble.  So far, I have been very lucky!  But that time is going to come to an end someday soon.  In my family, we live a very long time, into the 90's and 100+.  If I want to be around that long, something needs to change...NOW.   I have a life to live, things I now want to accomplish and intend to make it happen!  I just hope God and my surgeon will oblige.  My appointment with the surgeon is in April. 

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