5yrsout
I was previously signed up and recorded over 6 months' worth of my experience. Today (7/28/01) I logged in to find my profile and photos GONE!! No one can give me an explanation, which really bothers me, but life goes on...
My story starts the same as most of us here: I have been fat all my life. I am the only one in my family who is fat which is a special experience all its own (not.) Burned into my memory are the LOOKS whenever I eat something, or comments about having such a pretty face. At my last job, I dealt with blatant fat discrimination ON TOP OF racial discrimination, which was the final straw. I fought back, filing a charge with the EEOC. My blindsided employer launched a retaliation campaign by trying to push me out.
In December 2000, I decided to have this surgery because enough was enough. I hated my life like this. People hated me on sight, one of my son's classmates teased him because he had a fat mother, and my darling husband (although he'll NEVER admit it) was ashamed of me, and started to gain weight himself out of sheer frustration with me and my non-existent sex drive. I shared my thoughts with him and he told me that he loved me fat or thin, but was concerned for my health as diabetes and heart disease runs in my family. That made up my mind. I wanted to die, but I figured I'd at least die trying to save my life.
I researched the surgery, found this site and got in touch with Dr. Herron. I had my first consult in January, 2001 and was given a date of February 27, 2001. I informed my job that I was taking a sick leave, and was denied. I raised holy hell about it and was finally approved to take the time off, however during the leave, I received a letter from my employer informing that I was fired. By that point, you know who didn't care? ME!
As it turned out, my date was rescheduled, and I underwent Lap RNY on March 9, 2001 at the weight of about 320lbs. Here is what I could salvage of my post-op journal:
3/13/01 I am now officially four days post op. The surgery went okay, everyone was nice enough, but when I first came to, the pain was unbearable. I was fine with the morphine pump, but they took it away on Sunday, leaving me to stick it out with crushed nasty-tasting meds. I came home from the hospital yesterday, and since then I have not been able to find a comfortable position in which to lie. My stomach doesn't hurt so much as it is really uncomfortable, and worst of all, I'm kind of hungry. Everyone says that it does get better, and that's all I have to hold on to right now. I'll follow up soon!
3/15/01 I'm feeling a little better today. I cheated and stepped on the scales and learned that I lost 15 pounds in 5 days. Even though I'm still in somewhat of a foul mood, it did pleasantly surprise me. Also God smiled on me and allowed me to find a snack that was delicious and is tolerated well. I also learned this morning that I can tolerate a soft boiled egg and a 3/4 inch square of hard toast -my favorite breakfast. I also found an iced tea that tastes pretty good. I am such a grump, I know, but I suppose I'm mourning my best friend (food) and will get over it.
3/23/01 I'm feeling MUCH better these days. Finally the incisions are healing, and I learned that I'm 290lbs- down 26 lbs in two weeks. Not bad. I'm taking short walks everyday and feel the weight loss a little in my clothes. Thank God I'm coming (somewhat) out of my rut. Would I do it again? Wellllllll I don't know about that yet, but I definitely don't regret it anymore.
3/27/01 Today is an okay day. I'm down to 286, approx 30 lbs in two and a half weeks. About 36lbs more before my first goal. Lately, my problem is that I'm still very tired most of the time, but I hear that passes. Now that I'm not working anymore I have a alot of idle time and I find myself wandering into the kitchen and snooping around in the cabinets. I am also am havng a constant nightmare that this 30 will be all the weight I'm going to lose. Sigh... I'll be okay, I just needed to vent. Talk to you soon!
3/28/01 I've decided to lose Dr. Herron, I'm very disappointed in the overall treatment I've received from him. Today, I spoke with Dr. Goodman who was so nice and friendly, I've decided to switch to him. Something did make me smile today though: I went to Lane Bryant to get an idea of how much I lost. Normally I fit in a 26 or 28 jeans and a 28 top. The 24 jeans fit and so did the 22/24 top. The 26 jeans were more comfortable but felt a little big, and the 28 top felt big too. I got all cocky and tried on the size 22 jeans - BANG! Reality!Although they buttoned and zipped up, HELLO! There was still a BIG roll of fat oozing over the top. Ah well... It's progress.
3/30/01 I lost a pound. I'm not thrilled about it, but at least I've moved off 286. I'm trying to increase my protein by drinking the nasty shakes, and walking a little bit more, but I'm getting a little frustrated. Again, I have too much time on my hands. My husband says that he can see the weight loss, but I think he's just trying to be nice. I look in the mirror alot lately to see if I can tell, but I can't. I just look like- ME. I have this skirt I wore when I was 22 or so, it's about a size 18. I try it on from time to time. I tried it on today and it zipped up halfway, which made me happy. Still have 35 pounds to go to the first goal. I need a hobby other than obessessing about my weight loss, don't I?
3/31/01 283 today. 33 lbs to 1st goal. I'm getting there slowly but surely. I've been reading my previous posts and BOY, do I sound negative. I don't mean to scare those pre ops reading this, I just want to be honest. This surgery is not easy by any means, and it does take work, both physically and psychologically. I don't regret having the surgery and am excited that I lost this much weight so far.
Last year this time I lost 25 lbs -it took me forever and I put it back on plus more shortly afterward. This time, I have a shot at fitting into regular clothes, I have increased my chances of living to see my son grow up. I am running in the opposite direction of gettting diabetes and heart disease. I can't wait to blow people's minds! It sounds childish I know, but again, it's honest. Talk to you soon, God Bless.
4/3/01 Im back at 285! I'm pretty bummed about it. I'm sure everything will be okay, but still...
4/5/01 I'm really getting depressed. I seem to be moving into the "what's the use?" mode. I've been grazing and sipping with meals, because I find food sits better in my stomach if it's a little moist. This isn't good. I've received NO guidance from my Dr, whom everyone else says is wonderful to them. I still look like hell, and I have no energy. I'm obviously deep in post-op depression, but I don't know how to get out of it. And to top it all off, I'M STILL 285 F****NG POUNDS!!! I had so hoped that this would do it for me, but it hasn't. I'm so scared that I'm going to stay like this. I'm going to go wade in my pity pool so I'll talk to you later.
4/6/01 I'm feeling better today. I met with Dr. Goodman who was very kind and friendly. I also atttended my first support group last night. FINALLY I have a little bit of guidance in what this whole process is about. Hell, I'm not even going to get that deep. I'm just glad I'm feeling better.
4/10/01 Slowly but surely it's getting better. I walked two miles yesterday and three miles today, and best of all, I'm down to 282 - FINALLY off that G*d**ned plateau! I'm SO thrilled about it I can barely breathe! Now I'm obsessing that I'll be on another plateau at this, or worse-I'll gain back up to 285 again. My husband has lost 21 pounds since I got home from the hospital-he didn't even have the surgery. I'm so proud of him.
31 more pounds to my 1st goal. It's amazing how three little pounds made a difference. To you pre-ops, be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster. Would I do it again? Hmmmmm.... I'll still take a pass on answering that, I'll only admit that I'm glad I did it-at least today I am! lol
4/15/01 Happy Easter everyone! I'm feeling a whole lot better than I have been lately. According to my scale I am about 278. I've been on that for the past 3 days.
Last night, I went out dancing. One of my friends said, "You look different, have you lost weight?" I'm not sure if she meant it or not, but it felt good just the same. Today, I went to church wearing one of my favorite suits. The first thing my sister said when she saw me was, "Your clothes are too big." My mother said, "you are really going to have to take that suit in." It really made my heart light.
4/22/01 I'm confused. I stupidly didn't weigh myself right before surgery so I don't know exactly how many pounds I've lost. I'm guessing I was about 320, which means I've lost somewhere between 45 and 50 lbs in 6 weeks-not bad. I still am having dreams that I will wake up and be 316+ pounds again. I'm still working on getting enough of the right things in. It's really not as easy as it sounds.
Later on 4/22/01: I decided to split the difference and figure my weight is at 272. But the reason I came back is because the MOST wonderful thing happened!!! First, all of my size 26/28 suits that I planned to wear for my interviews tomorrow are too big. I couldn't believe my eyes! Second, I have this beaded cocktail dress that I bought about 8 years ago- size 20. Two weeks ago, I tried it on and couldn't even pull it together to zip. I tried it on a few minutes ago and asked my 6 year old son to help me with the zipper and guess what? He pulled it up 1, 2, 3!! It fit! Granted, it's very snug, but it fit! I almost cried right then and there! I also tried on a suit that I bought for my first "real" job about 11 years ago, size 20 and THAT fits too (also snug.) I'm just floored! I'm stunned! I never thought that being thinner was within reach... that was for OTHER people. I still have about 100 pounds to go overall and 20 to get to my first goal, but what happened today is something I will never forget!
04/24/01 Okay, I'm off my zipped dress high. I'm still at 270 on one scale and the other says 274! Damn!! I look in the mirror and I STILL can't see a difference. My husband is so wonderful and complementary, but it's very difficult to accept his complements without wondering if he's just being nice. OH MAN!! ShutUP Noelle! I sound SO negative!! I just can't help it.
I'm still having issues with the food. Nothing appeals to me at all. Even the things that I think I want to eat, once I take a bite or two, it tastes funny and I put it down. I'll hang in there. I'm glad I have you all-my family-to talk to. Thanks.
05/01/01 Happy May Day you guys! I'm still in my funk and I really have been slacking off on watching what I eat. I have started to drink diet soda and nibble on 2 mini oreos a day-NOT GOOD. On Sunday, I realized that I wasnt getting enough calories in and decided to test the theory. I ate more (but not alot more) than usual, and GAINED 2 pounds. I was mortified. Since then I have adopted a what the f*ck mentality. I still can't eat like I used to, but I find that I'm pushing the envelope a little further than I should lately.
05/05/01 Still holding in at 270ish. I finally got up the courage to add a photo from November 2000. I'm sure that there are some folks who are reading this page and thinking "Geez, why doesn't she snap out of it?" Believe me, I often feel the same way. But know that everything written here is honest. Seeing all of the happy, upbeat posts made me skeptical pre op, wondering what they were hiding. I decided that once I had my surgery I would share the bitter with the sweet for all to see.
I mentioned before that I don't regret having this surgery, and I meant it, in fact -to my surprise-I mean it more and more each day. I'm also grateful that I survived the surgery with no major side effects and minimal scarring. And funky attitude aside, losing 50lbs in 8 weeks IS pretty damn cool! Although I often b*tch and moan, I do believe that it's going to get better.
5/10/01 STILL at 270ish-it's maddening!!!
I've got to admit though that I haven't been as diligent about eating the right things as I had been. Over the past week I have had a MASSIVE craving for sweets. I'm not talking about an apple or something healthy, I'm talkin cookies, pop tarts, that sort of thing. I'm just hoping that it's a monthly thing and will pass. I'll check in next week and let you know where I am! Nitey nite!
5/20/01 I wasn't going to post again for at least a week, but I just wanted to finally share something good for a change. I went into Lane Bryant today to try on a few things. I grabbed the 22/24 pants and a pair of size 20 and 22 jeans and a shirt and dress in 18/20 just for the h*ll of it. The 22/24 pants were baggy, the 20 jeans had the big roll of fat over the top, but buttoned and zipped without a problem, and the 22 jeans fit well. The 18/20 dress fit! I'm finally getting a clue that I've actually lost some weight. It's a weird but good feeling, and I'm feeling pretty blessed right about now...
5/27/01 Weighed in at 259.5 today. Not bad at all. A loss is still a loss, correct? Okay then. Yesterday, I was walking with my mother (wearing my -getting loose- size 22 jeans) and she stopped and said "Wow, you are really looking great!" I downplayed it, but it made me so happy. 11 weeks ago she was nagging me about losing weight and I was telling her to leave me alone. I'm ALMOST halfway to goal! I'm SO excited and terrified. Okay, Noelle breathe, breathe...I got another tattoo on Friday, right at the base of my back. I love it, and have found that despite myself, my attitude is changing for the better a teeny tiny bit each day. The biggest surprise is that I'm okay with it. ME?? Being positive? YIKES!
5/30/01 I knew it was too good to be true. I got on the scale today and it said 261! I've gained a pound and a frickin frackin half! I know it's totally normal, but it still pisses me off all the same -I'll live.
Later on 5/30: I'm feeling kinda blue. I had a job interview today and it didn't go well. The interviewer was ill-prepared and seemed uncomfortable, which of course made me uncomfortable. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. I came home and immediately ate. Obvious emotional eating-ya think? I just felt, you know... This sucks. I wasn't sure I even wanted that job, but I still am bummed. Tomorrow's another day right? I'll hold on to that for now...
6/5/01 Still at 260 and have been for almost a week. This sucks! Perhaps this is all the weight I'm going to lose. To be grinding to a halt after 12 weeks? Just my luck. Damn! This is so hard! It's so much easier to self sabotage! I know, I know, the plateauing is normal, kick up the protein/water/exercise... I'll do all that. I just want to stress to the pre ops who read this that the weight doesn't just FALL off! Boo hoo me, right? I sound like a brat. But this is how I feel at this moment in time. Tomorrow I hope to feel better.
6/8/01 Scale reads 257. I'm actually very nervous about writing this down because I'm afraid the losing will stop again-silly, right? My 22 jeans are getting loose but the 20 jeans are okay everywhere but around my apron. Ah well. I've mentioned before that my husband is losing weight too. Down 40+ lbs so far. He's looking wonderful these days, and he's even getting a LITTLE cocky. He definitely should be more confident, but I confess, it's making me a little nervous, especially since I am nowhere near the weight I want to be or look any where near the way I want to look. Always some drama with me, huh? Talk to ya later.
Later on 6/8/01: It's amazing how you can feel so good about yourself one mintue and then like sh*t the next. I was in Sears walking around and I came across the scales. I got on a few but they weren't working. As I stepped off a scale, a stock guy was going to the back and he said "About 300 pounds, right?" I felt like he'd kicked me in the face. I said, "actually far from it. Thanks so much for insulting me." and I walked away. Usually, I'm not afraid to get into a fight with ANYONE (and under normal circumstances, I would have LAID that guy out!) But I was just so SHOCKED!! Sh*t, I'm almost 50 pounds UNDER 300 pounds!!! Can't people tell? HOW DARE HE??? Since then, I have felt so low, I can't even put it into words. It's amazing how all of my confidence could be undone in a matter of seconds...
6/11/01 Weighed in at 255 today. I'm so grateful for those two lost pounds, I don't know what to do with myself. Thank you all for your support emails regarding what happened to me in Sears. I should have really raised more of a stink than I did. I feel blessed to know that all of you are here for me. Thanks again.
06/14/01 Weighed in at 253.5 today. Just 3.5 measley pounds to the halfway point and 8.5 pounds to 245. Well family, I'm finally ready to admit something to all of you: (DEEP breath) Not only would I would do this operation again, but I truly regret not doing it sooner. - Whew, did I say that? Yes, I suppose I did. I never DREAMED I'd ever get to this point. Just last year when I dieted, taking forever to lose 30 pounds, I prayed to "just get to 280." I wound up getting frustrated at gained it all back and then some. These days 280 was almost 30 pounds ago!
It's been so long, I can't even remember when I was this weight. Those clothes I tried on that were snug? They now fit (my panni messes up the line though.) Granted my body at 31 is different from my body at 20 or 21, but fits still means fits! For you pre ops about there, this experience is by no means easy, but oh my God, when it works, IT WORKS! God bless you all...
06/17/01 Eeeking toward 250 by another pound. 252 today. Oh MAN! Not much to report today. I'm in a bit of a funk. It's like everything and nothing is wrong, you know? Anyway, good news, I fit comfortably in my size 20 jeans. Remember, I was in 26/28 in March and they were snug-weird but wonderful.
06/19/01 OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!! I got on the scale today and it said 247.5!!! ARE YOU F**KIN KIDDING ME? This can't be real. NO WAY!!! 5lbs in 2 days? I gotta tell ya though, I almost fainted when I stepped on the scale. I got off, moved the scale around-247.5 I moved the scale again-247.5 I'm floored! I want to believe it SOOOOO bad, but I don't think I'm that lucky! (smile) You know what? f*ck it. I'm gonna enjoy this moment right now and do the happy dance, check me out...
Later!
6/26/01 Sorry for the long delay in posting. I just got back from Cancun with my family. As it turns out, the morning after I weighed in at 247.5 I weighed in at 249, which is okay too. Whatever. The best part is that my mother took a look at me and told me that she was sick of seeing me looking so raggedy in my 28 jeans barely held up by a belt! She bought me a few clothes to take on vacation. It was SO cool to bypass the 28s the 26s the 24s and EVEN the 22s!!! I picked up a pair of really CUTE overalls that were size 18/20 and my mother looked at them and then me and said "That size is a bit small for you isn't it?" Not only did they fit, but they are actually BAGGY on me! Isn't that a HOOT???? I bought a few 22/24 tops because they fit my huge batwings, but they are loose everywhere else! OH WAIT WAIT!! That's not the best part!!! There was this pair of baggy capris my mom picked out that looked cute, but were a bit too big. She said, "You know what? The 18/20 is too big. Let me get the 14/16 and we'll see how those fit." I doubled over in hysterics while my mother stared at me like I'd lost my mind!! I told her that there was NO way I could fit in 14/16 pants!!
Yes, I bought them, along with my beloved overalls and a pair of size 20 shorts which are getting loose. I felt like a new person while on vacation wearing my cute new clothes. Now the bummer! I didn't eat a whole lot while on vacation, but I did have a few bites of things that aren't in my eating plan (but were soooo delish!!!) I just weighed in a few minutes ago: 251.5! Back up again, but you know what? That's okay for now. Tomorrow I'll probably be bitchin and moanin again but... (smile)
6/30/01 In at 249.5 today. Two months ago, I said that I would seriously start looking for work when I got around 250. Back then it seemed so far in the future and to tell you the truth kind of unrealistic that I would ever get to that weight. I am officially under 250 and have to get on the stick, but I can't believe how time has flown! Amazing! It's kind of weird though. I had no problem going on job interviews at 300+ pounds, but now the idea makes me more than a little nervous. This isn't going to be easy. But you know, what IS?
07/04/01 Happy 4th of July everyone!! I didn't do a whole lot of anything today. Still at 249.5 I'm not stressing as much I did before but I can't help but be a little annoyed. My 32nd birthday is on July 30th and I had hoped to be at 235 by then. I don't think that's going to happen, but I'm going to try anyway. I seem to be okay with not snacking during the day, but at night-HOLY COW, I'm rummaging through the cabinets like a maniac. Of course I eat nowhere NEAR the amounts I used to, but the compulsion is still there and it's tough as hell to curb it.
I don't know, I don't have much to say, just that I wanted to check in, say hey, and to tell you all that I love you and am keeping you in my prayers.
7/6/01 Quick check in: In at 248ish today. I bought a cute little one size fits all sundress today. I tried it on when I got home and although it's snug, it FITS! It's not popping at the seams tight, but it's very body conscious and I love it. Although I don't yet have the confidence to actually wear it in public, in 15 more pounds, I promise you won't be able to get me out of it! (smile) It just was cool to look in the mirror and actually look and FEEL sexy! I actually had forgotten what it felt like. Anyway, the dress is now hanging on my foyer closet - to remind me. LOL Good nite!
07/8/01 Well guys, I made it halfway! 75 pounds down in 2 days past 4 months. I weighed in at 245 today. I am really happy about it. My next major goal is to get under 200lbs before the end of the year. Earlier this week, I tried on a pair of size 18 jeans which fit except my panni was MEGA prominent. That sucked. I went out dancing last night, my friends kept complimenting me, which although was nice, made me the slightest bit uncomfortable, know what I mean? Of course you do.
07/10/01 Hi guys. Weighed 244.5 this morning. I had hoped to have lost more, but no dice. I'm writing because I'm feeling really good today, despite the miniscule change in weight. This morning during my 3 mile walk, I actually felt compelled to start running. Granted, it was a slow run, but I was able to go for about 3/4 of a mile. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but remember, I haven't run more than a few feet in a REALLY long time! When I completed the first 1/4 mile, I actually cried because I was so proud.
The second cool thing that happened to me was that tonight I attended a hip-hop dance class in my neighborhood. I was floored to see that I was the oldest person in the room (Since when is 31 OLD?? Since everyone else in the class was about 16, that's when!) But you know what? I kept up with the class on practically EVERY FUCKING STEP!!!! (And BELIEVE me, it was NOT easy!!) When I left the class, I felt like I was high, I was SOOO excited! I'm probably going to be massively sore tomorrow, but OH MAN was it worth it!!! It's so stupid of me to be gushing like this, but I really feel good today and it's definitely a foreign feeling to me as of late. ANYHOO, have a wonderful night and God bless...
07/12/01 Hey ya'll just a quick check in. Still weighing in at at 244 (and 245 and then 244 and then 246 and then 244 again.) Over the past week I have lost and gained the same three f*ckin pounds and I can't take it anymore. Just when I think I've finally moved past a number, BANG there I am again. When I see that the number has gone back up, I immediately reach for food. (The "I blew it, so what the f*ck?" mentality we are all so familiar with.) Long story short, it's just annoying and frustrating. I know I'll live, but it still pisses me off! Anyway I gotta bounce-Nite
7/15/01 Good news and bad news: This morning I weighed in at 243, which is good. The bad news is that it freaked me out and now my self-sabotage mechanism has kicked in big time. I've been mindlessly eating all day. It's almost like I'm scared to reach my goal-8 measly pounds-what's up with that? This sucks. I feel like I can't win sometimes, you know? 'Nite!
07/20/01 244.5 yet again. This BITES!!! I could just scream. I have been kicking my ass working out and getting in the stupid protein and the stupid water and taking the stupid vitamins and still seem to be running in place with regards to weight. I've been losing and gaining the same 3 pounds for two weeks and I could just cry. Here's hoping that all of you are having a better day. -Later.
7/29/01 Hi all. I'm here feeling lower than I've felt in my life. Tomorrow I will be 32 years old. I am grateful to have survived to see another birthday, and I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me, but I can't help but feel EXTREMELY depressed. Yes, I've lost weight and am happy about that, but still... Sigh... Maybe I'll just stop talking. -Nite
08/04/01 Hi all. I'm not feeling much better especially since I am still on the plateau from hell. Aside from that, my life is going fine. Everyone is alive and well, thank God. I'll just be thankful for that today.
8/8/01 Hi all. Just a quick check in. I weighed in this morning and was afraid to look down at the scale. Imagine my total shock when I saw it read 240 pounds. I couldn't believe it. Okay, it's like 3 pounds, but FINALLY-I'm away from that 244,45,46,44,45 hell I've been in. It really lifted my spirits a bit. One more thing to be thankful about, huh? Nite.
8/11/01 239.5 FINALLY out of the 240s!! Thank GOD!!!
8/15/01 Still at 239ish. That sucks the big one, I gotta tell ya. I'm about 40 pounds from my next goal and 70 pounds from my final goal, and it's exhausting, the stressing about it. It's like I'm on a sick merry go round. I lose, get excited and eat, I gain, get depressed and eat, particularly sugar. When does it stop? Other than this eating cycle, my life is going okay -thankfully, no major drama going on-but I'm being consumed by this weight thing. I suppose it'll pass, but GEEZ!! I'm praying for all of us. - Later
8/18/01 238 this morning. I'm happy about it, but afraid that the losing will stop. I have 3 more pounds to get to my next mini-goal (235.) My husband has officially lost 60 pounds! I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty impressed with his loss, considering he didn't have surgery. He's gone from 305 to 245 in almost the same time it took me to get from 320 to 238. For the first time ever, I weigh less than my husband. In fact yesterday, he actually lifted me up off my feet-his face didn't turn red or anything!! I was shocked and giddy, but of course immediately self-conscious too. Anyway, this is just a check in, and I'm sending happy thoughts to those preops and postops who are having a rough time these days. - Later!
8/25/01 234.5 this morning! VERY cool! I FINALLY met my next mini-goal! But I know that this is about the time I start plateauing and everytime I step on the scale I hold my breath, isn't that knuckleheaded? I visited my old job on Thursday. It really felt weird to be a visitor in a place that was my second home for several years. I think I needed to get some kind of closure on what happened to me there and the person I was then. Every one of my ex-coworkers did a double take and asked "Noelle?" before realizing that it WAS me. Most people said I looked great and mentioned the weight loss. I downplayed the compliments, but-between us-it really made me feel good. I hope that being there gave me what I needed. Anyway, I gotta bounce - Later and God Bless
8/27/01 234 this morning but now I feel like shit. I have had a HORRIBLE day and as a result, embarked on an eating binge. I've puked once already but I still am so emotional that I don't want to stop. I am one sick puppy, aren't I?? The fucked up thing is that I can't "medicate" myself with food -the "good" way- anymore because it's just not the same post op. Instead, it's just causing me to plummet down a shame spiral. I mean, I've gone off my diet before, of course, but I haven't binged like this since about a week pre-op. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I'm writing all this down here because I'm hoping that by purging it THIS way, I'll stop eating to silence the bullshit running around in my head. Pray for me family, please. I need it today. God Bless.
8/29/01 It seems that (not-so) little binge of mine caused me gain about a pound and a half. I weighed in this morning at 235.5. It's my own fault. I'm feeling a little better today and I'll just be grateful for that right now.
9/10/01 In this morning at 231.5. I've been doing some bouncing back and forth between 231 and 234, which is a little frustrating. My former employer and I are still fighting it out via the EEOC, and although my head and self esteem are in a MUCH better place right now, it still hurts to rehash everything. In fact, it makes me furious. I can't give in on this now though. I've given in so many times for fear people wouldn't like me anymore. Fuck them, Who cares what people say, right? I'm taking my time to compile my written report, as I want to make sure I'm accurately stating all of the facts. Please pray for me people. However it turns out, pray that I maintain the strength to see this through. Goodnight and God Bless.
9/12/01 Weighed in at 232 this morning and I'm totally freaked out. New York has been devastated by yesterday's World Trade Center attack. Being a native New Yorker, I can't help but just feel so sad. One of the most bizarre things is that the last building that collapsed was that which housed the EEOC. I was planning to bring my written report down yesterday, but decided to make some changes.
I pray to God that everyone got out of that building safely, but at the same time wonder if this is a sign that I should drop my charge altogether because there are more important things in life. I'm feeling so conflicted - saddened for the victims of this tragedy, and guilty for being upset that all of my documentation and detailed records have no doubt been destroyed. Of course I have copies - but would have to start this entire process again. Is it worth it? Yes and No. For those of you not here in New York, please keep us in your prayers. God Bless us all.
9/20/01 In at 230.5. I have a job interview today. I'm not even sure I want the position, but I think that my hanging around here at home is getting a little old. All of my beautiful suits are so HUGE on me, they are beyond alteration. I'm more bummed about it than I thought I would be. My mom felt sorry for me and bought me 2 gorgeous suits yesterday. She wasn't sure about my size so she got one in 18 and 22. I put on the 22 and get this- it was noticably TOO BIG. I tried on the 18 and it fit!! WOW! That FLOORED me! I don't remember EVER being able to wear an 18!! It just fits, but comfortably and at least I have something great to wear on interviews. Also, I can "shrink" even more comfortably into it - Ah well. Either way, so far so good. I'll check in later.
9/29/01 227.5 today which means that I'm 7.5 pounds away from being in the century club. I also received news the other day that I got the job-it starts on October 8th. I'm a little uncertain about whether I actually am suited for this job, but my empty wallet strongly urged me to accept, which I did. Of course, being the pessamist I am, I constantly worry that they will change their minds and rescind the offer between now and then. Sigh.. I can just take it a day at a time, right? Praying for us all. - Later!
10/4/01 In at 228.5 today, but I've been yo-yoing between 231 and 227 these past few days, and it's annoying the hell out of me. Nothing major going on except me obsessing about starting my new job on Monday. I don't know what to expect, so I suppose that's what's bothering me, but I'll find out soon enough, huh? Still sending good thoughts to all - Later!
10/8/01 In at 225.5 today. Damn, this is like tease! Five and a half pounds to 100lbs lost!! I start my new job today and I am nervous as hell. I mean geez, it sounds a little stupid, but I kinda miss my fat "shield," you know? I don't miss it alot, but I feel kind of, I don't know - NAKED?? Anyway, wish me luck and I'll talk to you later!
10/10/01 Hi family. I weighed in at 226 this morning. Doesn't look like I'm getting to the 100lb mark anytime soon. I've been eating quite a bit today, and I feel kinda sick. The job is going well. The people are nice and the job itself seems okay. The only problem I see is that there is food EVERYWHERE you look! Break out rooms with the most delicious looking food, and free lunch with my choice of almost anything. I swear, 7 months ago, this would have been my DREAM job, but now it intimidates and almost scares me. Isn't that strange to be afraid of FOOD? ME?? Miss give it to me and I'll eat it? I'm just really afraid to get back up to 300+ pounds.
Last Saturday, I went to a party and was told by everyone that I looked "hot" -isn't that a scream? ME?? Hysterical!! I swear, it's all foreign to me. But on the other hand, it felt good to be looked at for a good reason instead of because I'm the big fat black chick with the big personality- Night!
10/12/01 Here at my new job. Practically everyone has left for the day and no one has told me to go home yet, but it's okay- I still get paid, right? I forgot to mention something that's been going on these days which is a little weird:
I have no clothes to wear. Every morning I have to scramble to find something that fits. I pulled out my old work clothes thinking, "Well, they can't be all THAT big, can they?" News flash: They CAN and they ARE!! I had such nice work clothes and now, they all look like tents on me. The pants are huge and too long, and the shoulder of the blouses come halfway down my upper arms. It's almost surreal to see yourself wearing the clothes you've worn almost every day for years, and they fit like you've NEVER worn them before in your life. These clothes were my staples! I know most people are like, "Hey, great excuse to go shopping!" and I feel that way too kind of, but it's not as wonderful a feeling as I thought it would be. I look at those clothes- the ones that I thought I looked so nice in, and realize exactly how fat I was, and didn't want to see it. This thought makes me sad. Very sad. I feel sorry for the person I was.
Granted, I'm on my way to being "normal" sized for the first time in my life and even though it's really hard, I'm thrilled. But at the same time I wonder what took me so long. Why did I let myself get like that? Why did I refuse to see it? I dunno, I suppose I'm just venting. I just didn't expect to be sad to learn that my clothes don't fit AT ALL anymore. Happy? Yes. Relieved? Yes. Sad? Not in a million years. I guess that person I used to be is really gone for good. Wow. I've got to sit with that for a little bit. God Bless us all...
10/15/01 Weighed in at 223.5! I hope it isn't a tease because I'd be really bummed about it. Also a cool thing happened this weekend: I finally went shopping for some new clothes. I bought a few blouses and slacks - size 18! Isn't that a hoot? Also I went into Lane Bryant to sniff around and out of curiousity I tried on a 14/16 blouse and a pair of 16 jeans. The jeans buttoned and zipped no problem but had the big roll of fat over the top. The blouse JUST fit, but didn't look ill fitting or even small on me. That was mega-weird!! In fact, I bought the blouse because it was cute and I know that I will be able to wear it comfortably soon. I swear, this journey is mind-blowing sometimes! In the store the other day, I just become so overwhelmed at the fact that I could actually purchase something off the rack in a department store, that I started to cry. My mother asked what was wrong, but I couldn't put into words the way I felt. I know that I'm a ways (65 pounds) from goal but still... Even a cynic like me has to admit - this is pretty cool!
Good Luck to all pre and posts who are having a tough time!
10/21/01 I'm back up to 225 today, and not surprised in the least, the way I've been eating this past week. It's been a crap week, to be honest. Yesterday, I went to the wedding of my former best friend and although we have barely spoken in about 6 years, she hasn't changed much. Although I was happy for her and her new marriage, I couldn't help but feel a little sad because she still treated me like I didn't matter: She included former friends in her ceremony, but admittedly "didn't think" to include me. It hurt me more deeply than I'm comfortable to admit. THIS was my best friend for so many years? What a wake up call. I did see a few friends from high school, which was nice though, and it was a lovely wedding. But the truth is, that part of my life where she is concerned is offically over. I'm not going to lie to you, -it hurts.
Anyway, weight wise I'm at a plateau, obviously. I was this weight for a long time pre-op, and my body LOVES being here. I've got to make a change -I just have to find the strength to do it.
10/24/01 Weighed in this morning at 225. I'm actually DOWN from the 227 I was on Monday. Deep down I feel as though this will be yet another failed diet effort. I know I am sooo negative these days, but I can't help it, that's how I feel. I'm sorry. I'll check in another time. God Bless us all.
10/29/01 In at 221 pounds!! WOOHOOO! Not a huge change, but I'll take it. I had a...surreal weekend. I went out dancing with a few old friends, including a guy I fooled around with when I was I teenager. The guy and I haven't seen each other in a while, but the last time we saw each other (about two months ago) he mentioned to a mutual friend how "great" I looked. WELL, the night we went out, he was hitting on me left and right! Isn't that a HOOT??? I am married and so is he, so we knew nothing would come of it, but he kept complimenting me and talking to me and FLIRTING with me. It was hysterical! It was foreign to me. I mean, I'm always "the fat friend." I'm NEVER the object of desire. NEVER EVER EVER!!
Anyway, the bad part about this is that it's becoming more and more apparent that this one good friend of mine **R** has a problem with my weight loss. I think **R** prefers me fatter and less attractive, thereby always being the better looking of us two. The night we went dancing **R** actually became jealous that I was getting alot of attention, and is not speaking to me. Isn't that stupid? You know what? If **R** wants to walk out of my life because I finally am realizing a dream I've had all of my life (to be thinner, healthier and more attractive,) **R** can just get fucked. Sigh... Just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm still in the game for now. God bless us all.
10/30/01 TWO HUNDRED AND NINETEEN M**THER F***IN POUNDS THIS MORNING!!! I HAVE OFFICIALLY JOINED THE CENTURY CLUB!!!!! And with a pound to spare, even. I'm sooooo pleasantly shocked, I stood on the scale and cried. I haven't been this weight in almost 10 years. I don't BELEIVE it!! Thank you GOD!! Thank you!! Just wanted to check in and tell you this and that I'm sending prayers up, up, up for us all!!!
11/2/01 In at 216.8 this morning. I also checked my BMI, it's 34.9 down from 52- I'm no longer morbidly obese. Just very overweight. That's okay though, I'll take it - believe me. I haven't been at this weight in over a decade. Have a good day!
11/5/01 That's right folks!! 214 ding dang pounds today! I'm so happy yet so scared the losing is going to stop. I barely remember ever being this weight, maybe when I was 20 or so? In any case, it makes me feel both wonderful and anxious. I am now 14 pounds from the 100s. I want to make it there so badly before the next plateau!! Please pray for me family, as I will be praying for us all, too. Have a great day!
11/7/01 In at 214 this morning. I was at 213.6 yesterday which means I gained a little, so I'm a little bummed. It's been a crappy past few weeks. I'm getting several rude awakenings regarding my so-called friends. I heard that this happens sometimes, but I never thought it would happen to me. I have been taking a look at what I brought to these friendships and how needy I was and how much I put up with for fear that they wouldn't be my friends anymore. I feel like I'm in a constant fight with myself not to feel those old needy feelings. It's very hard though. I'm so used to going along to get along that it's actually a struggle NOT TO. It hurts that my friends have been so fucked up to me, and I know that I'm RIGHT to be hurt. Do I sound nuts? Yeah, I think so too. Anyway, I'll check in later. God bless us all.
11/9/01 215 - STILL not 200, so I'm not as excited about it as I could be. I'm sorry to be in such a mood - it's just that I can't shake this funk I have about being faced with my friends' ugly sides. I know I have to just get right over it, but it really isn't as easy as it sounds.
To make matters worse, the EEOC called me and asked for copies of my original claim against my old employer as well as the supporting documentation. The mere IDEA of once again dredging up and thinking about the despicable way I was treated by them just makes me sick to my stomach. I was a different person both mentally and physically back then, but that still doesn't justify their horrendous behavior. I could just kick myself for being so stupid back then. Anyway, I'll hang in there for right now, and we'll all get through this... soon, I hope!
11/19/01 Hi family. Just a quick check in since I'm running out of room in my profile. Still bouncing btw 214-16.
11/20/01 217 @^#%$&$% POUNDS!!!
I went up - damn. I haven't exactly been helping matters lately because I've been eating junk. I think it's either stress or a monthly thing, or probably a combination of both. I just wanted to share something quick with you: I went to Lane Bryant yesterday to try on some clothes. I grabbed size a 16 and for the hell of it, size 14 jeans. The 16 jeans fit comfortably, - I HAVE to do something about the excess skin around my waist- but here's the kicker: THE 14 BUTTONED AND ZIPPED UP!!! Granted, the big roll of fat was oozing over the top, but WOW!! I don't EVER in my life remember wearing a 14 ANYTHING!! Anyway, it's no big deal to other people, but I know that you all understand how wonderful that experience was. Thanks and God Bless...
11/26/01 -215.8
I'm running in place at around 215lbs. A few days ago, I spoke to a very good friend of mine who had surgery and she's -105 in 4 months. It's taken me 8 months to be -105. I'm honestly happy for her, but deep down I'm also thinking - that sucks! I feel like such an underacheiver, isn't that dumb? Don't get me wrong, 215 pounds and I haven't seen each other in over a decade, and I'm happy to be here, but I'm eager to move on. I know everybody's weight loss is different but it still sucks - sigh... Well, thankfully this hellacious plateau is the worst of my problems these days, so looking at the big picture, I guess I'm pretty lucky... God bless us all.
11/28/01 215.2 Still in plateau hell. Don't know what to do. I'm feeling like crap these past few days. I'm working on this EEOC thing once again and it's putting my head in a bad spot. Yesterday I binged like a maniac and then plummeted down a shame spiral. I'm also trying to recover from the trauma over losing a longtime "friend." I've decided to cut this person out of my life, and although it's a healthy decision, it's a very painful one. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you guys because I feel pretty disconnected right now...
12/3/01 210.8 Yesterday someting funny happened: I saw an acquaintence of mine in the supermarket for the first time in about 3 months. I stood next to her until I got her attention and she stared at me like she didn't know me. In fact we stood there so long that I finally had to say: "It's ME, Noelle!" She fell out and said "I didn't even recognize you!" Funny.
12/4/01 208.4 Finally out of the 2teens! YAY! But of course the paranoia is still there. I've noticed something weird: I've been getting a lot of attention from men lately-it's both flattering and terrifying. At least 3 guys that I've known even since when I was 300 pounds have suddenly (and blatantly) started hitting on me. I don't know what to make of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPILY married. It's very strange though. God bless us all...
12/6/01 207 on the nose this morning!!! I'm sooo excited and terrified the losing will stop. Just 8 measley pounds until I'm out of the 200s. I can't f*ckin WAIT!!! I finally got the EEOC stuff out. It is currently on its way to the invesgator as we speak. It is officially out of my hands and in God's. I admit that I am a little nervous about the outcome, but I'm proud of myself that I saw it through. Today is kind of a stressful day and I've been grazing out of pure nerves. I need your prayers today family. God bless us all...
12/7/01 206.6 Okay, it's only 4 oz, but I'll take it! Lately, I've been forced to do some self searching about the way I act. I've always taken great pride in being bold and larger than life (both literally and figuratively.) I speak freely about everything from politics to sex and for the most part, I get along well with people. As I lose the weight, I'm learning that some of the things I say (especially sexual things) are more easliy misconstrued. I suppose that some people think the idea of a openly sexual woman is amusing when said woman is 300 pounds, but I'm learning that when that woman is not so big and is openly sexual, it can be construed as she's "easy." I learned that the hard way recently, and it really bothers me. Any thoughts? Anyway, I'll check in later.
12/11/01 208 We now know where the next plateau starts, huh? I pray to get to 199 by year's end. I'm still having some bad feelings over losing my "friends," but thankfully the hurt is getting less and less. GBUA...
12/12/01 206 At least the numbers are on the way down this time...I have to keep the momentum going somehow. I've finally decided that I need to go into some kind of therapy, because as you might have noticed, I tend to obsess alot! (lol) These past few weeks have been difficult as you know, but I'm tired of nursing hurt feelings. I need to learn all over again how to deal with people, because apparently my perception is rather skewed. -Enough. GBUA...
12/14/01 - Back at 208. Yep, here is where the plateau is. I'll be doing the bounce between 205 and this for the next few weeks. Sigh...I guess I'll live, but for the record: SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! GBUA...
12/26/01 204.2 Happy holidays to all! Cool thing happened the other day: Went into Old Navy and tried on a cute size 16 miniskirt - it was TOO big! Isn't that a HOOT? I bought the size 14 instead. Hysterical! The crappy thing going on in my life is that I'm not handling well the attention I've been getting from men. I find myself getting angry that these are the same guys who wouldn't look twice at me when I was 300+ pounds, yet now have no problem openly flirting with me even though they know full well that I'm happily married. In response, I flirt my ass off and then shoot them down - HARD. This CAN'T be a good thing -especially since the other night I got myself into a situation that was too close for comfort. But getting this sudden attention from men who dismissed me before fills me with such....fury? No, that's not it, I think it's just a need to "avenge" my fat self, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think I'm nuts too! GBUA..
12/27/01 - 203.4 Hey. Still hanging in there for now. Yesterday, I forgot to mention that this weekend I finally mustered up the courage to give away some of my old clothes. It wasn't as wonderful and liberating an experience as I thought- it was kind of sad and scary. What if I get back up to 300lbs again? Won't I need those clothes? I have the most beautiful size 28 suits that were my staples - I can't rehash this mess again. Anyway, I gave most of the stuff to charity. I kept a few items, just in case...
1/1/02 202. Happy New Year family! Mine was very quiet, save for the fact that the scale is totally fucking with my head. What a bummer, but not the end of the world. Anyhoo, I'm sending prayers up, up for all of us for today and the new year. GBUA...
1/4/02 203.6 Not surprised in the least, I hae been eating nothing but junk these past few days because I've been in a depression of sorts. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting more and more difficult. Last night I embarked on an eating binge that made me feel worse with every bite, but I STILL didn't stop eating. I'm ashamed of myself, and I truly realize that I have major food issues that transcend the fat. - Too deep to get into right now. I'll check in later. GBUA...
1/8/02 201.2 - Are you f**kin KIDDING ME?? This is torture!
1/10/02 198 on the nose!! YIKES! I'm too nervous about the accuracy to be excited that this is the first time I've been under 200 pounds since I was a teenager. Pray for me family, I need it. GBUA...
1/11/02 198.4 I'm not in a good head space today. I'm beginning to realize that my weight IS only a small part of the majorly flawed individual that I am. I have all types of issues that I never let myself think about before I embarked on this journey. Anyway, just wanted to check in. GBUA...
1/14/02 200.4 Yep, back up today. I'm getting a little nervous that I have lost all I'm going to lose. Try as I might, the scale just doesn't want to let me past 200. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I've gotten this far, but I feel like I'm in limbo somehow. I see my goal just in front of me (40 more pounds,) and I see where I was over my shoulder (120 pounds ago) but I still feel like a failure. I'm also going through some drama of my own doing lately -regarding attention from men and my relationship with food- I just haven't been in a good way-Whatever. gbua...
1/16/02 200.2 Back up again. I'm obviously on a plateau. I'm still in a bad head space, folks. These last few days, I have been faced full-on with my sick relationship with food. Yesterday, I ate and ate, fully aware that I wasn't hungry-I just needed to "medicate" myself somehow in order to cope. Now, of course the shame spiral starts. Not a good day. Hope yours is going better.
1/17/02 200.2 - STILL. I went to an OA meeting yesterday afternoon because I really need to get a handle on my sick relationship with food. I tried to be cool, but I broke down and cried when I heard the others share because I related so well. I heard the term "self-hatred" and it came through to me loud and clear. I felt better when I left. Anyway, that's where I am today. Hope you are doing better...
1/18/02 201.2 - YEP, believe it! Back the fuck up AGAIN! You know what though? Emotionally, I'm feeling a little bit better than yesterday so I'll have to just deal with the increase. Here's a thought Noelle: STOP CRAMMING YOUR FACE WITH THE WRONG FOODS - DUH!! Yes, I'm nuts, I know this. Pray for me, family! GBUA!
1/23/02 20-fucking-3 What the hell? This is just disgusting. I'm 43 pounds from goal and my losing has come to a dead stop. I haven't helped matters any regarding my eating habits, but to tell you the truth, the longer I stay on the plateau, the more frustrated I become and the more I'm compelled to eat-especially the wrong things. It's a sick cycle. What the FUCK am I supposed to do now? Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY grateful for what I've lost so far, and I know I sound silly bitching about this, especially when a lot of preops are still fighting to have this done. But I'm learning more and more that it's not just about the body stuff. The head stuff is MUCH more damaging. I feel like SUCH a failure. I just want to curl in a ball and cry and cry.
1/28/02 201 Today, I'm at a point where I've decided to accept that I'm going to stay where I am weightwise. When I look at where I was last year at this time, where I am now isn't too terrible, right? I'm very disappointed that I can't seem to get under 200, but it's still 120 pounds less than 320. I'm just so tired of having the scale determine my mood for the day. If I don't weigh in, I spend the whole day obsessing - ridiculous. Anyhoo, Just checking in. gbua
1/29/02 200.4 Hi family. Thanks so much for your "tough love" emails. (LOL) I don't want anyone to misunderstand: Like I've said before, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the gifts I've been given so far. Also, although I've made some boneheaded choices in what I've been putting in my mouth lately, I have consistently been exercising (hip hop and salsa dance classes) four times a week. (This is probably why I'm not back at like, 220.) Again, I don't mind being 200 pounds as long as it's a fit and healthy looking 200 pounds. I'm trying to make my peace with this, and it isn't easy, but if I never lose another pound, I would do this over and over again. Besides, being a size 14 down from a 28/30 not even a year ago, IS pretty fuckin' COOL!! guba...
1/31/