Becky B.
FINALLY
Sep 17, 2010
Well since the last blog a lot has happened. The job at Foundation Bariatric Hospital was very disappointing because the insurance changed just 3 days after changing careersbut I hung in there 8 months. I'm not the best med surg nurse but I'm an awesome hospice nurse and I know the difference is night and day as far as my happiness. I wanted the surgery soooooo Bad I would try anything. I can't say it was all bad though because I learned a lot and I really enjoyed working with Dr. Broussard and I made a few friends that I love and miss. I also realize that I still had some work to do before I had the surgery. I believe God knows whats best and I really needed to learn more about myself. I am struggling with loving myself especially after a 15 year on and off relationship with an alcoholic drug abusing man who I married only 2 years ago. Unfortunately he is my 15 year old son's father and I did not marry him back then because he treated me horrible and I kept going back for more. I've learned that I have codependent behavior and that I have to change something in me to correct that. The main thing is I am having to learn to LOVE MYSELF. I lost the person I used to be somewhere in the midst of it all, and I so just want to be loved. I will never be loved by an alcoholic selfish person and I am breaking the bond that keeps me coming back. The a thought or action of something he has said or done to hurt me has led me straight to chowing down on something bad for me, which made me overweight, fatigued, and feeling lost. It turned into a vicious cycle that seemed unbreakable. I realize that only I can break that cycle. I'm learning when I feel sad or hurt that instead of chowing down, I pick up my 3 lb weights and work out, or take a mile walk and drink some refreshing water with lemon and sweet and low. Instead of crying over my failures I am trying to reach for and hang on to the small successes. One failure can x out a bunch of successes, so I imagine the failures as shrinking to the size of a grain of sand and flicking them away with my fingers as if they never existed. It seems to be a really effective mental exercise for me because I am such an emotional person. Don't get me wrong, I still have to deal with this daily, but it is a start. Out of the blue, my Mom just sprung it on me that she was paying for my surgery. I could not believe this opportunity came up except for something told me that Becky you are finally ready. You are finally getting it. And I am happy to say that since the last endeavor of trying to get surgery through insurance at Foundation Bariatric hospital I have managed to lose 30 lbs and kept off 17 lbs of it in 10 mos beleiving I would not ever find a way to get the surgery. What I learned in that time is that Carbohydrates are a sure fire way to gain weight, and create bad cravings for sugar, and more carbs. I learned that both carbs and sodas even diet change my skin instantly and make me feel like crap. I am now truly loving water with lemon and crave it. I don't miss soda. I do miss sweets sometimes but there are some alternatives such as a protein bar, sugar free jello that realy do take the craving or thinking away of needing something sweet. I plan on this being my new lifestyle forever. I plan on increasing my execise as my body changes and making it my best freind whenit comes to getting rid of sadness, hurts, anger or whatever triggers that emotion button that used to lead me straight to overeating. I am making this pledge today to be the new Becky that I love and adore. I know that when I love me, everyone else will too, or at least the type of people I want to be around will. I love being a nurse and a mom and grandma, but I will love being able to play like a kid again because the me I knw loves life, adventure, roller coasters, beingactive, smiling and laughing and loving. Me I am ready to have you back, I have missed you for a long long time, and life is too short to be dead but yet still alive. Praise the Lord I finally have a surgery date, sugery is paid for, and all I have is a cardiac stress test to do on Sept 27 and 28. Please pray for me that all goes well because I have waited a long time and I want the stress test to go well. I am beleiving for the new me and just aniously awaiting the Big Day. I beleive I have chosen one of the finest surgeons, I beleive God will be guiding his hand, and that God is going to help me be successful. I am looking for new friends who are going through or have gone through weight loss surgery and even freinds who have been through living with a alcoholic emotionally abusive partner and have become overweight as a result. Its nice to know other people are going through the same things and nice to share ideas and thoughts and have encouraging words to share and accept.
