H2OK

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The week has been relatively good. I have been vigilant about documenting all I am eating - it certainly increases the accountability substantially. I am walking 2-3kms on average every couple days. I am enjoying the walks once I go... Starting them can still be faced with challenges, but they have been great for clearing my head.

I am down 10 pounds since last week... I am not jumping up and down in celebration at this. I have been here before. In fact I am in the process of undoing the pounds I gained in the past couple months... Story of my life it seems. When will I learn...

I don't think people who have never battled with morbid obesity issues fully understand just how underwhelming 10 pounds can be to a person who is almost 400 pounds... Yes, it is movement in the right direction, but for me, it is not enough to "feel" a difference and that is one thing I battle with daily...wanting to experience that "Hey! I look and feel a little different!" moment... but as the cycle has repeated itself over and over again... I never seem to get to that point where I can give in, and over to momentum, and start to physically see and feel that genuine inspiration of weight loss. I am the first to sabotage things this early in the game... I am trying like hell not to let that happen this time.

But rebuilding this strength and determination to do the right thing for my health while still battling the stress and questions of the loss, betrayal and dissolving of an 18-year marriage are like two completely opposing forces of good and evil. One is trying to move me forward into a better place and the other, is me trying to figure out what the hell just happened in the past year, along with the slow poison drip of questioning my self worth, confidence and just trying to process why the hell she left me. If I can figure both of these things out and accept them in parallel and come out the other side better for both, it will be a milestone that I could never imagine happening at this point in the journey. Not yet anyway. Both seem insurmountable.

I suppose doing this on my own now means there are less barriers in front of me to make excuses for. There... a positive thought... Perhaps it will make success on the other side a bit sweeter.

Success is such a relative concept. Success for me involves so much more than mere weight loss. Balance, peace, loving myself, being "present" in my own journey, not just a passenger, belief in my abilities, and the rebirth of hopefulness in my life. Maybe that is why it can get so overwhelming so quick and I fail so often at making it "there". I am not sure I have the capacity to know when I have "succeeded" - I worry that I may be one of those people that stay in a constant cycle of improvement, disappointment, shame, regrouping, retrying over and over again.

I admit, surgery could be a game changer... haven't tried this route yet :) So despite my skepticism in my abilities, I do hold some hope out that this tool may help take me to, and past, my elusive "momentum" hinge point that finally allows me to make a liar out of my own doubts.

Something clicked today. Finally.

I have been in a feedback loop for a couple months. Funny how that word sounds like a swear word here... "feedback"

Nothing seemed to be able to snap me into a state of awareness that I was gaining back some weight that I have worked so hard to drop previously.

Could it have been the act of signing up for this site and "going public"? Perhaps... Whatever it is, I will take it. Momentum has been my problem from day 1 - I never seem to reach that place where the momentum of my success in weightloss can overtake the desire to mess it all up. I have a very predictable pattern that I am working hard to break. I realize from spending time reading other people's brave journeys and knowing with a degree of common sense, that this surgery is only a tool - that there is a warehouse full of life changes I need to start buying into or this whole thing has a good chance of failing. I can't afford that. Not now.

I went for a walk today. 4km. Last time I did this was November. The next time I do it... needs to be tomorrow. It doesn't have to be 4km... it just needs to be a walk that I conciously decide to do. I can already sense the "seed" being placed in my head that is telling me I don;t have time to go for a walk tomorrow because of work... That old pattern is strong and persuasive, but I am in a really good place today, and I need to draw whatever energy I can from this momentum, albeit a SINGLE-GOOD-DAY's worth of momentum... It's still gotta help a bit.

Momentum. Momentum. Momentum. Momentum...  

I have had my share of sh!tty days and hopeful moments recently.

I want to swing that pendulum so that it's more like sh!tty MOMENTS and hopeful DAYS.

I am new here but not new to the paralyzing stress, shame, self-doubt and anxiety obesity has brought to my life for decades and decades. I would like to believe that family and friends can identify and understand, but I am learning through the wisdom of time, that no one will understand my struggles as well as I can. I am not saying support of others has been a negative thing, but there are not enough words and tears in me to explain to someone else what it is like living "this"

But I guess maybe I don't need to worry so much of others' perception or definition of my journey and try to focus on my own acceptance of where I have ended up in life with respect to my health, both emotionally and physically and move beyond that. Accountability is a huge part of this. I think that is why I registered here today.

It's hard to love yourself when it's hard to love yourself... I know that sounds stupid... until you actually realize it's true. I have decades of practice telling myself that I was not good enough for many things along my path. This is a tough thing to "unlearn" for me. 

I have my bariatric program team telling me I am close. That I will have a surgery date "soon". The wait tends to take its toll. I am 3 years into the whole referral, wait list, initial visit, followups process and the surgery IS just around the corner, but it feels all to unreal until they can give me a date. I love Canada, and I feel lucky that bariatric surgery can be covered but the health system wait times can undo so much good by eroding the faith, energy and bravery it can take to ask for this help. All the surgeons, specialists, dieticians and support personnel have been some of the most compassionate and caring individuals I have met, but that initial 2+year wait until my first appointment was a very discouraging period. I can only speak to my experience but I know others have waited much longer. When I am on the other side of surgery, I am sure it will easy to be greatful despite the 3-4 years it took, but the system can and should be better than it is. (socialized medicine rant over: stepping off soap box) 

I think I am on a good path but it still feels far from a place where I can see where I have come from and where I am going. It does feel like fate and destiny like to throw in the odd @ss-kicking just to see if I can actually manage to stay on the path or hit a tree or two. The bruises hurt and some haven't healed and may never, but I don't want to turn around or stop.

That is all I have at this moment. I will send this out to the digital ether and see what the universe has in store for me next.

Thanks for your time.

H2OK