H2OK
Finding a path...
Feb 07, 2016
I have had my share of sh!tty days and hopeful moments recently.
I want to swing that pendulum so that it's more like sh!tty MOMENTS and hopeful DAYS.
I am new here but not new to the paralyzing stress, shame, self-doubt and anxiety obesity has brought to my life for decades and decades. I would like to believe that family and friends can identify and understand, but I am learning through the wisdom of time, that no one will understand my struggles as well as I can. I am not saying support of others has been a negative thing, but there are not enough words and tears in me to explain to someone else what it is like living "this"
But I guess maybe I don't need to worry so much of others' perception or definition of my journey and try to focus on my own acceptance of where I have ended up in life with respect to my health, both emotionally and physically and move beyond that. Accountability is a huge part of this. I think that is why I registered here today.
It's hard to love yourself when it's hard to love yourself... I know that sounds stupid... until you actually realize it's true. I have decades of practice telling myself that I was not good enough for many things along my path. This is a tough thing to "unlearn" for me.
I have my bariatric program team telling me I am close. That I will have a surgery date "soon". The wait tends to take its toll. I am 3 years into the whole referral, wait list, initial visit, followups process and the surgery IS just around the corner, but it feels all to unreal until they can give me a date. I love Canada, and I feel lucky that bariatric surgery can be covered but the health system wait times can undo so much good by eroding the faith, energy and bravery it can take to ask for this help. All the surgeons, specialists, dieticians and support personnel have been some of the most compassionate and caring individuals I have met, but that initial 2+year wait until my first appointment was a very discouraging period. I can only speak to my experience but I know others have waited much longer. When I am on the other side of surgery, I am sure it will easy to be greatful despite the 3-4 years it took, but the system can and should be better than it is. (socialized medicine rant over: stepping off soap box)
I think I am on a good path but it still feels far from a place where I can see where I have come from and where I am going. It does feel like fate and destiny like to throw in the odd @ss-kicking just to see if I can actually manage to stay on the path or hit a tree or two. The bruises hurt and some haven't healed and may never, but I don't want to turn around or stop.
That is all I have at this moment. I will send this out to the digital ether and see what the universe has in store for me next.
Thanks for your time.
H2OK