amiesue

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 Today was a tough one, but I made it through... my daughter wanted pancakes and I made them, put away the batter and had my shake!!  I'll admit I really could have gone for some nice fluffy buttermilk pancakes but I knew that wasn't the right choice and this has been a hard week when I haven't always made the right decisions.  I've been having my shakes most days but I have also had two days where I skipped the shakes in the morning because I wasn't hungry or got busy and that was just an excuse and by later that day I was a wreck and ended up eating crap for dinner and I know better.  But rather than beat myself up and say I failed again I just moved forward and made sure I made the right choices this weekend and I feel good about that.  I can't fail this time - I want surgery more than anything and I need to prove to myself I can exert the self control to I can make the most of the tool I will gain with surgery. Onward and downward!

Today I saw something below 400 pounds on the scale and I wanted to cry... the last time I did weight watchers I started at 411 and it took me SO long to get to below 400 and I didn't get much below it either.  I want to see the continued downward trend before surgery, but I am listening to others here and not pushing myself to insanity with a specific number.  I have enough stress upcoming with having to move and the uncertainty around my employment that my main focuses are my daughter's stability and getting into a new place before I get to my surgery date to make it easier.  It felt like a real accomplishment today to see that on the scale, and I now need to put the scale away for a week so I don't hop on it every day and worry if I see one day fluctuate back to 400 - the scale can really become an obsession for me, and I have to control how often I get on it or I can go down a bad road.

I feel very comfortable now with the morning shake, and I find it does tide me over well until lunch so I am happy that I have done a week of that without fail and haven't snacked before lunch.  I was also surprised to see how few calories I took in today - only 1145 so far - I actually plan to add something, I remember on WW how I stalled when I wasn't getting my points in and my body went into starvation mode - all the sudden my body seemed to store everything I gave it.  Now the trick is finding the right thing to have, I actually think I will have another shake because they really fill me up and a couple hundred more calories would round out my day today.  

 It's official, I am out of a job in a few months.  I think I can get to my surgery date and if the very worst happens I would have Cobra to be able to get my surgery but it makes me think about handling stress.  I have been very aware of my anxiety since word came down our contract was going to another company - and so far I have been owning it.  I am NOT going to let this become a reason / excuse to not get surgery.  If anything I am going to look at it as a prime time to get healthy to get another job and push even further in my career.  

I won't say I am not depressed, I am, and I am fearful and I have spent some time crying about this because this kind of uncertainty in the current economic climate is incredibly unsettling, but I don't have the control here, and I can't change the reality.  All I can do it proactively look for another position while I complete my transition as thoroughly as possible.

The one thing I feel good about?  Today I had my protein shake for breakfast, grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch and tuna fish with wheat thins for dinner - I didn't crack and turn to food - I faced the fear head on and I lived....

I had finally decided on WLS last year, only to find out that while my insurance company covered it, I was not able to have it because my company specifically disallowed it.  I felt hopeless and crushed.  It took me a very long time to get to the point where I could admit that I had failed in this area of my life... that even though I tried, and sometimes has limited success, that I couldn't beat the weight. I was always a heavy kid, and at one point did lose weight, but after that I got a lot of attention and some of it was not in a good way which ended very badly for me.  After that I gained weight, I understand now, as a protection, no one ever wanted to bother me when I was fat so that is where I went. Even after I came to terms with that point in my life I was still left with the food addiction, which is truly what I believe it had become.  I couldn't go cold turkey or avoid food, I needed it to survive, but I couldn't stop myself, either and soon it became a vicious cirlce.  You get fat enough that the co-morbilities set in and the medication doesn't help you lose weight. You are too big to fit on exercise machines and your knees hurt with walking, it becomes a downward spiral and you head toward that metabolic explosion. All the while I was still inside... I missed bike riding, I missed walking the dog... all the things people take for granted and avoid doing I was wishing for and when I finally accepted that surgery was a tool I needed to succeed I was shut down.  Luckily in the new year (2011) WLS is now covered and I am 2 appointments (1 month) into my required 6 months of nutritional appointments.  I am focused and want the surgery, I know it won't solve my problem, but it will be a huge tool for me moving forward.