Aryiana

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Monday Morning 6:15AM

Here I am... in the waiting room of the Same Day Surgery place at Lourdes Med. Ctr..... we were up at 3:30AM and I drove while DH slept (ok - he will say rested his eyes). 

Have a good Monday everyone!!  See you on the Dark Side!

Because I am not Sedated
Post Date: 6/15/09 12:39 pm
had a bet Id post by 8pm myself.... :)

Groggy... but I won :)

WIll posr more later... all good from here

Well in about 48 hours my DH and I will be heading out to the hospital for my 6:20AM arrival time for my revisional DS.  I feel guilty that he will have to be up so stupid early -- obviously I am used to being an "out-nighter", but most normal people I know are still cozy and tucked in bed at 5AM! 

I am not going thru any of the "freak" many have gone through.  I think perhaps this is because I feel ... I don't know... maybe guilty in a way that I have to have yet another WLS to be "normal".  When I had my  RNY in 2002 I was coming out of a divorce, had no self esteem and needed to do something to make me feel good about being *me*.  Although I didn't have stellar loss I was happy where I ended up and to that end had some plastics and my life was good.

As the weight  started to creep up and I regained about half of what I lost, I was still fine with where I was physically.  My body hadn't changed all that much and after multiple rounds of infertility treatments (it's male factor -- had no problem getting pregnant with my older kids) was finally pregnant.  I had a net loss of 20 pounds at my 6 week post partum visit (no real weight gain during the pregnancy) however once I stopped breast feeding I had an "overnight" re-gain of the rest of the weight I had originally lost with the RNY.

My clothes started getting snug.... and the straw that broke me down finally was when I had to remove my engagement ring because I was getting an irritation under the band... however, it had gotten so tight that I tore the skin on my finger removing it.  My wedding band is still on - but there is no way (other than cutting it) that it will come off at this point.

Even though intellectually I do know I did nothing to "break" my RNY, I still feel the guilt - like once again the fat girl has screwed up and even with the "Gold Standard" found a way to tarnish it and screw it up.

Yes, I have the fear that I will be the one to have a defective DS... that of course it won't work for me - that I am destined to be MO the remainder of my days, etc..  That somehow I DESERVE this.  Wow - talk about Jewish guilt!!

So, I have been sort of quiet these past few weeks since I got my surgery date.  Haven't stressed outwardly but have instead channeled my energy (be it positive or negative) into working. 85 hours on the average for the past month or so.

I have faithfully been reading the board - especially overnight when I am working (like now) and taken what I can from different threads.  My main concern at this point is how I am going to change how I cook and prepare food to make it DS friendly while also keeping it Kosher.  We do eat lots of soy in place of beef and I can add cheese to that, however, I also have to keep my husband's cholesterol in mind as well as my daughter's increasing weight (she is already MO but it is due to lousy choices moreso than a metabolic thing like I have at this point),

I do have my two angels, Renfairewench and Jenna Lynn - as well as Sia who my husband will be in contact with during the day on Monday. 

I guess the point of this whole brain dump is to thank those that have come before me - for sharing your stories and your highs and lows.  I do hope that once I have had whatever success I will have - be it to a normal BMI or just so I am happy in my own body once again - that I too can be a help and inspriation for those that will be along after me.

I sort of have a rant/ vent.... forgive me because I have been up since yesterday morning and now am dealing with my 2 yr old and the 4 yr old home care baby and they are all up in each others faces and driving ME nuts.

Yes, my surgery is next Monday.... however, NO, I am not anxious, I am not excited, I am not having a 2 (or 1) week freak... It's as much to me as a doctor's appointment at this point.  I don't have anything I really want to talk about, no, I didn't do anything to "prepare"..... etc., etc., etc.

Since I am a revision and have been living the RNY life for the past 7 years, to me this is NOT a big deal.  Also, as I have said, I am NOT taking weeks (plural) off from work.  I can't.  I get NO paid time off and if I don't work my mortgage doesn't get paid.

I have had 5 open surgeries previously (gallbladder, RNY, plastics and 2 c-sections) and KNOW I bounce back quickly.

That all being said, yes, I will miss dumping.  I like the feedback in knowing I will feel like crap if I eat something I shouldn't.

Ok, that's my vent.  Thanks for listening... I will now go take another ativan and see if I can chill

There is a musical called [title of show]'  Altho it closed on Broadway already, I have really come to identify with part of a song.  The song is called "Die Vampire, Die!" and it is basically about all the people talking in your head telling you what you cant do, what you don't do and how when you have a dream it is silly or not worth doing.

I want to dance again.  I don't know if my knee will let me, but it is what I want to do.  I feel insecure in my own worth alot of the times and lots of my insecurities I attribute to my weight and subsequent feelings of inaqdequacy.  Here is my favorite lyric from the song:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough

Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason.
 
You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!

Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea
fuckin’ break it, go on drive a stake in,
Yeah there’s no mistaking, now you’re shake and bakin’

Die, vampire
I said, “Die, vampire”
I said, “Now die vam-pi-re, die!”
________________________________________________________________________________

I know it is my vampires that cause my social issues.... about not wanting to be around people in general....Let's see what happens in a month.  I know i will miss the next Abington support meeting --it's the day after my surgery, and even if I am hard core, even for ME that is too extreme.

Went for a wee visit with Dr. G on Thursday May 28.  Brought DH with me -- figured he should be in on SOME of this since the only info he has seen or heard has been from me directly.  Dr. G was as nice as always, however, this time I had the feeling I am just one more.... he didn't seem to really remember me or my case.  That's ok - as long as he reviews his notes before going into the OR suite I'm ok with that.  He doesn't need to be my friend -- just a damned good surgeon who will do this proceedure correctly so that I have a good outcome -- shortterm as well as long term.

I asked him about CC length and stomach size. I know he uses the Hess method which would leave my CC anywhere from 50-150cms.  I requested nothing above 100cms.  He said that with my body size he doesn't anticipate it being longer than 50-75cms (??).  As for stomach size, he generally uses a 58 bougie which makes it on the larger side in comparison to others.  Again I requested for a 100cc stomach.  He told me to remind him of these things when he talks to me that morning right before I go in for the surgery.

I got orders for bloodwork which I had drawn locally on Friday (still waiting for faxed results), and the hospital here won't do the type and screen.  Hopefully that will fall thru the cracks and they will do it (have to do it) the morning of surgery so I don't need to make a separate trip all the way down there just for that.

We discussed the 2 week liquid thing.  I can use my own protein and he wasn't too concerned about my size and liver and all since I am a relative lightweight compared to the 50BMI and above that he also does surgery on.  The liquid thing is mainly for them so that he can have easier access in their thorasic cavity.  I am more worried about adhesions in my body than a fatty liver (to be honest).  We compromised on the liquid thing because it isn't Kosher and he said I can use my own.

So now we basically wait.  I am working hellacious hours still.  72 scheduled hours of shift nursing, plus 2 baby visits a week (they live about 90 mins from me) and my part time admin job.  I keep trying to convince myself I will slow down after surgery, yet in the next breath I am making plans to do the babies assessment on the Saturday after surgery.  As long as I am out of the hospital, I will do it!!

Yesterday I made 3 gallons of chicken soup for post op.  Dr. G will put the order in so that I can bring my own soup in to eat.  It came out very good - altho I had thought about putting in double the chicken bones when it was cooking to make it that much more consentrated, I didn't.  I'm sure it will still be good.  It is currently in the freezer.

That's about it.  I am just trying to keep track of everything and rememeber to post it so that when someone  comes along and wants to see my story it is here for them to read too.  I do enjoy reading about other people and their experiences.

Well as June 15 gets closer, I am not having any kind of freak per say, however, I am working nights and days.  This doesn't leave much sleep time, but it keeps my mind occupied.  I will have to email Dr. Greenbaum to ask about the 2 week liquid thing he wants his patients to go on.  I have to be sure that there willl be enough carbs and fat to keep my brain sharp.  In dealing with these babies it would be quite irresponsible to not be functioning mentally at a decent level -- I could put them at risk and of course that is the last thing I want to do.

This holiday weekend I am working.  Right now I am in the middle of a night shift and when I get off  I have a baby visit to do.  Then tonight and Sun. work here again overnights, and Monday morning my regular 40 hr a week thing starts... however, I am working overnight Monday too... in the middle of it all.  Not sure how smart that was on my part, but again, I know I am trying to compensate for something.

Nothing much to update really.  Tonight is an Abington meeting and Jenna Lynn is gonna drag me there (well hold my hand and give me mucho moral support).  I have no problem one on one, but I get totally nuts in a group -- can't handle it if it is social -- as opposed to something professional (nursing).  As a nurse I can get in front of a group and be with hundreds of people without a problem, but put *me* in a group in a social situation and I look for a corner to disappear into.

I'm afriad of people with that post-op attitude....  and I'm afraid of being a post op failure.

I have decided on an angel -- actually two.  Since Maddie (Renfairewench) and I are going through all this together, I felt she should be one.  My DH knows her and her DH too.  That all being said, Jenna Lynn has already been my angel being my moral support to get me to this meeting tonight (and I'm sure subsequent ones too).  We also share a mutual friend outside of all this WLS stuff and she does live relatively close by.

So that's it... officially Renfairewench (Maddie) and Jenna Lynn are my angels.

I called Dr. G's office on Friday and asked what the proceedure was now that I had gotten a call from Aetna approving me for surgery.  June said that I would get a call by mid next week with my surgery date -- that they have to look at the other people that have approval before me, as well as surgery schedule, etc.

June called me yesterday.  My surgery will be on June 15 and I am scheduled to go in to talk with Dr. G on May 28th.  We needd to discuss the whold $250 fee for meetings and the protein stuff he wants me to be on before surgery.  First off, if I won't be going to those meetings since it is so far (I would much rather go to the PA one -- if I can get my courage up).  Secondly, I am still questing to find Kosher protein powder so I will get the nutritional requirements from him and then see what I can do.

Hopefully he will waive the fee and it will be a non-issue.

I'm calm... not totally excited or nervous.  It's like, just there.

I feel bad for those people that have to wait weeks and months and even years for their chance at this.  For me it has been relatively easy.  Does that mean it's beshert (meant to be??)??

Now I'm looking for an angel.  I have a few ideas and have had a few people offer.  Gotta think about it - however, maybe 2 angels... one pre and one post op....

Happy Birthday to my wee man... my baby is 2 today!!!

Update before I crash and burn since I haven't really slept since 6AM yesterday when I woke up (it's going on 9PM now on Thurs). 

Called Aetna today and nothing new so I asked to be transferred to pre-certification.  "Shane" got the call and he said that Susan had queried June on Monday, May 4 for more information including a letter of necessity from my surgeon and 3-6 mos of monitored weight loss and exercise crap.  He said nothing had been sent.  As I was starting to freak he said he would put a message to Susan, who was the original Nurse that reviewed my stuff on Monday and she would call me back (the message was marked URGENT).

In the meantime I called June to tell her that Aetna was telling me nothing had been submitted.  She had record of having faxed it all on Monday at like 1215, but re-faxed it anyway.

Got a call from Susan  and she went and checked the fax.  Got my 15 pages of documentation and said it would have to go to the medical reviewer but didn't sound very convincing that I would be approved. To that end she told me that worst case it would go to peer review and Dr. G would have to talk with the medical reviewer.  Even tho she told me her opinion didn't count for anything, I made my case with her making sure that my obstetrical record was noted - that I gained #7 in the 9 months and then lost #20 by my 6 week visit thus showing I wasn't sabatoging my RNY.  She assurred me that June would have an answer by noon tomorrow (this was about 1230).

At about 330 PM Susan called me back.... she wanted to let me know since I sounded so stressed about the situation.... I AM APPROVED.  She said she was going to call June after we hung up and I haven't heard from Dr. G's office the rest of today.  I will call them tomorrow to find out about dates.

Once I have a for real date I will add a ticker, and post some pix (before and after RNY and current - UGH).  Once I have a real date I will also post on the DS board.  No need to AW (attention whore) until then (not that I like doing that anyway).

Ok... updated... now I can sleep.... :perchance to dream.... or not :)

Yeah, I know... Patience..... I have zip, zero, nada, none....

Called Aetna today and the wonderful Trista was able to give me more info.  Lessee.... First of all, they received all my info on Friday, May 1.  Susan is the Nurse (or medical person) reviewing the case and as of today the only note that is there was from yesterday, May 4 at 10:36AM that said (basically) everything was there and it was being reviewed per Aetna Policy bulletin 0157.  Trista also said that it could take "up to a week" to make a decision -- which means by this Friday I can call and know something. 

With my limitless patience I will find reasons to call daily to get updates :).

Oh yeah, she also let me in on the fact that Dr. G's office put the scheduled proceedure date as July 13, 2009 and asked for a 2-3 day hospital stay.

I guess that means I sorta have a date??