azoreangal
I have been overweight since about age 11. My family ate for pleasure. I never stopped when I was full. Why do that when the food tastes so good. It was so much fun to eat. However, I wasn't a sweet eater. I would have a candy bar once every 3 months and half way through I would get a sugar high ( dizzy and headache) and toss the rest. Wish it was still like that. I don't eat a lot of sugar. I would rather have a hearty meal. Back then there was no limit. Whatever I felt like eating I did.
I wasn't obese but heavier than everyone else. I was very busty. I never participated in sports. I secretly wanted to be in cheerleading, do drama or play in sports but too embarrassed to do so. I thought I was soooooo heavy. I didn't have good self-esteem. Looking back It really wasn't like I imagined at that time. I was even voted "best figure" in high school. Really? I thought, there must be a mistake. In the end FOOD was my cheerleader, drama, my sport and my life.
At age 19 is was the Disco era. I so wanted to dance like that. Ironically, I had a boyfriend at the time who was a champion Disco dancer. He danced in contests and on TV. He was very good. He would mostly dance with his sister and another girl in the competitions. Because I thought I was so big I never danced Disco with him (or anyone else). I secretly wanted to very bad. But too embarrassed.
At age 21 I took some diet pills my grandmother got from the pharmacist. Since I lived on a small island everyone knew everyone else and getting perscription diet pills only needed to be asked for. I was getting married and moving to California. I weighed about 158 lbs (at that time it was a lot!) With the pills and Aerobics ,high impact with leg warmers and all I lost 20 lbs. Whooo hooo. The locals thought I was a skeleton at 138 lbs 5'2". Not according to my calculations. In school everyone was in the 120's or less. I was happy but still to me overweight.
I yo-yoed up and down between 168 and 148. I really thought I as very big then. And I was in a society that thinks we should be 115 lbs. I joined weight watchers countless times. I have Smithsonian worthy Weight watcher stuff. Where you counted you proteins, milk etc. I joined Nutrisystem in the 80's. I was hypnotized too. I did so many different things to lose weight. I thought about weight and food everyday of my life as far back as I can remember. I mainly did low-fat and fat-free. Taking in more sugar. We didn't think about sugar in the 80's. No "fat" was the bad ingredient then. Little did we know company's were removing the fat and loading us up on sugar for taste. Stuff we couldn't burn off unless we were athletes. We didn't know that. I remember my mother giving me a xeroxed copy of "the king's diet". I laughed and told her she was crazy when she said you could eat all the fat and protein you wanted but not starch, potatos, flour, rice etc. No way was I going to chance this low-fat way of life to eat fat and steaks and really gain weight. Little did know it was the "Atkins" diet concept. Although there is a lot of flack about Atkins. To me it makes the best sense. I always hear that Atkins doesn't allow you to eat vegetables. But it does. Just no simple sugars and bad carbs. What is wrong with that? Anyhow, over the years my metabolism went haywire. My body doesn't know what I am doing. Exercise, no exercise, low-fat, high-fat, low-sugar, no carbs, high protien, starving, eating every 2hrs, eating only before 3pm, cabbage soup, and on and on and on. So, over the years I have been doing more damage dieting than if I had just learned to listen to my inner voice of hunger and fullness. Cutting back and limiting processed foods and sugar. Oh, and moderate exercise. Diets work to screw you up. That's it.
I was my heaviest, or so I thought, at age 32. I was 174 lbs. Whew not good. All that struggling year after year with food, diet and will power. Everyday, my mission was to lose weight and change my ways. When you spend everyday thinking about how to conquer a weight issue and there are sooooo many products and programs out there, why can't you do it. Okay, so I am not a rocket scientist but I pay lots of money to lose this weight and read every single article in Cosmo, Glamour, Mademoiselle ( what happened to that magazine?) on how to do it. I should be able to do this right? WRONG.
I married my current husband in 1992. He says I was 146 lbs. I may have been. When we met I was a Mail Carrier in Santa Barbara. Lots of walking and lots of work. Very physical, so I think it kept my weigh down but I didn't look small like everyone else. I felt great. When we met I was newly single and living life they way I wanted. So being single at the time kept me dieting to look good. Living in beautiful California gives you a sense of well-being. You are more active and do more outside activities. When I married my husband he swept me away and we went to Nebraska and then to Texas.
My mom passed away when I was 32 and 174lbs. Dec 25th 1994. She had just lost 12 lbs and was so happy she was down to 209lbs. She was 54. I was devastated. My world came crashing down. My best friend was gone. Oh my god I still can't believe it. I thought I had better get my act together and lose weight and start living. I was wrong. I fell into deep depression and ate my way up to 206 lbs in about a yrs time. Being a full-time student and not tolerating heat well didn't help either. Gee, I thought I was huge at 174 lbs, 150 lbs, and at 148 lbs. If I was huge then, what am I at 206 lbs? I could not believe I ballooned up like that. I never thought I could.
Now in my 40's, having joint pain, working all the time, slowing metabolism, knowing diets don't work. Plus, when a diet works you can' t keep it off. Only 2-5% of people can maintain their weightloss. Not good odds. I knew that but what do you do? Of course I did what everyone else does in my situation, I spent more money on L.A. Weightloss, Jenny Craig, Diet Gourmet, The Cooper clinic, The To life program and, oh yeah, Weight watcher's again. I am sure there are more I forgot about. So, after spending more Money to make these companies rich, I now weigh 237.
July 15th 2008, I will have Lap-band surgery. My goal is 140. I hope to get my life back so I can enjoy it with the man who has stood by me. I want to dance, play and live again. I want the pain to go away.
So here I am. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.............................M
