beyond_blessed1

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well...i made a pact with myself that i wasnt going to buy anymore clothes until i got approved.  that way if i dont get approved i know to buy in my size and if i do get approved i wont have to get rid of practically brand new stuff.  well yesterday i folded.  i bought a very cute pair of grey wide leg dress pants for work....i justified it with the new business casual policy at my job!  so i pick up a size 24 and dont try them on (cause i just know they will fit) and this morning i bust em out thinkin im bout to be oh-so-cute today at work.  Oh contrair!!!  Those joints was snugger than two slaves in an outhouse and my butt cheeks looked like they had seen better days!!! i couldnt even zip the side zipper.....so what do i do....i blame the stupid brand and throw them in the corner fighting back the tears.  im soooooo tired of being uncomfortable everyday in my clothes, so tired of taking off my pants at the end of the day and seeing all those lines and marks on may stomach where the waistline was pratically cutting off my circulation...sooooo tired of just being so tired of it all.....i know my day is coming but JESUS LAWD can it hurry up.  I suppose it cant cause its all in God's timing.  I know you see me say that in just abut every blog, but thats what i stand on when i have these bad days....these days that i feel like if i gain one more lb i just might bust out my skin....or that people are looking at me like some type of mutant.  being this big makes me feel like an ogre sometimes...like im not femanine.....today was just not a great day

Whooooooo Hooooooo!!!  I had my 5th nutirtionist appointment today and i only have one more to go on Nov 11th.  I finally feel like im getting somewhere, but at the same time Im starting to get worried about approval time.  I havent lost any weight over these six months, i have remained consistent at 300 lbs.  my nutritionist said she has had that happen before and it shouldnt hold up the approval.  My prayer is to be scheduled this year!  In the last few months i have been noticing pain in my knees and back...MERCY LAWD!!!  Im not receiving any ailments this late in the game!   So still waiting!  If there is anything this whole experience has taught me....its PATIENCE!!!

I know yall get tired of my posts about waiting to get approved.  I just dont think anything has ever taken so long?!?!?!  Ive noticed I cant wear heals like I used to.  I always had me on a pair of 3 inch heels or some sharp shoes....now, its becoming a bit painful on my knees and back.  Anybody experienced this??  I cant wait to buy a banging pair of kneww boots and actually zip them all the way up!!!  Nothing exciting to report today....still waiting....Chao for now....

Okay....sometimes we dont realize how the world perceives us until we step back and see ourselves in a picture.  My girlfriend at work got a new camera and we were playing around taking random pix.  I just knew I was hot stuff in my yellow pumps!  Well....she emailed me the pix this morning and i was devastated.  i felt cute that day....but when i looked at myself in the pictures...i felt less than sexy.  We try so hard to appear happy and to be okay on a day to day basis, but many of us are dying inside...dying when we look in the mirror and feel there is a person trapped inside that cant get out.  For whatever reason we got here....we are here and some days are just harder than others.  It is very hard to walk through life feeling like you cant be the person you want to be and know that you can be....its even harder when you feel that you have done this to yourself....its a charade that is often times painful and cruel.  Its a mask that im ready to take off, im ready be released.....i didnt mean to get all oprah on yall...sometimes i just need to vent!

Wellll....im just twiddlin my thumbs today ....as the days go by im just waiting waiting waiting until i can resubmit to the insurance company.  Oh those wonderful insurance companies...dont they make it so easy!!  i went to pre-op information/support group and it was so interesting to see all the people there just like me.  they went over risks and challenges, but nothing swayed me.  i know God will watch over me through the whole process.  can i just get approved already!!!! 

Okay...so I had the 4th nutritionist meeting yesterday.  We really dont get into too much in depth nutrition convo, but she did tell me that she will talk more about my post-op menu during our last meeting.  I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas...i wish i t would just HURRY UP ALREADY!!I dont think I have been more anxious for anything since waiting on the birth of my children.   But everything is all in God's timing  ...so im just trying relax and wait my turn! 

Im starting to get so tired of the waiting!!! it seems that as i approash the last two months of nutritionist appointments im getting SUPER antsy!! I wish i could just fast forward to at least my insurance approval.  im feeling ok today, just READY READY READY!!!

Just in a yukky mood today.  Some days its just hard to get dressed, everything you put on sucks!   I have three stories of stairs to walk up at work (no elevator...hows that for a fat joke!!) and i swear its the worst when i get to the top and i feel like collapsing!  i have my nutritionist appt next week and i hope i lost at least a few pounds...why is it so hard....this is the day that the Lord has made and i should rejoice and be glad in it....but im strugglin...

Well...I havent posted in awhile and quite a bit has happened.  After finding out that my insurance company required me to go 6 months with a nutritionist before approving my surgury, I have had 3 of the 6 sessions.  I have my fourth next week and I cant wait to be done,  Since my last post, I have also had my cardio exam and my psych evaluation.  I havent lost any weight and i need to loose at least 20-25 before the surgury.  Guess I better get on the ball with that huh?  My weight has really been bothering me lately and I hate looking at pictures of myself.  I was recently the matron of honor in my best friends wedding....looking at the photos was painful.  Everywhere I go i get compliments on the way i dress, or my hair, or i get the dreaded comment that im a beautiful big girl...im looking forward to just being a beautiful person, not identified by my wieght.  I think I have always put extra attention in my hair, nails, clothes, or anything wlse that would take away from my weight.  Im anxious to be normal and happy in my own skin.....

Not a good day, got a call that the Bariatric Clinic that I chose is out of my insurance companies network.  So now I am working to find another surgeon that I feel comfortable with.  I am disappointed because I really liked my first choice.  Hopefully I will be able to find something soon.....