btrmein09
Where to start? Sometimes I look at myself and wonder how did I get to this point. I look back at pictures of myself at ages 0 - 5 and think wow that is a beautiful, happy, healthy little girl. What happened? I think that 19 years of bad learned behavior was the catalyst for my weight gain. My Dad was 1 of 18 children and my Mom was 1 of 11. They both grew up very poor many times doing without. They have both recounted stories of being hungry. I can't imagine that and it breaks my heart. When they got married my Mom weighed 98 pounds and my Dad 128. The worked hard, sacrificed and saved so when I came along 7 years later my Mom got to stay at home full time. This was great. It was wonderful having Mom around all the time. She was a GREAT cook and an AWESOME baker. She could put out a spread like you've never seen. She loved to have people over and entertain and the Holidays were always exciting. She was a great room mother cause her stuff was always homemade made with love and care and attention to the smallest detail. My parents both smoked and my Dad would take me along to the carryout in the evenings to get their cigarettes. He would always let me pick out a candy bar every single day. This is how he said I love you. His Mom passed away when he was 12 so he didn't get that warm and fuzzy Mom love that we all need and want. His Dad was trying to figure out what to do with small children. So in his own way, this is how my Dad showed me that he loved me because he was giving me something that I wanted. I learned at a very early age to associate candy with love and that my friends has been very dangerous given than I am an emotional eater. My Mom always made sure that we had desserts - cookies, pies, cakes you name it. My parents were also somewhat obsessive. If one is good two must be better. Maybe it was thinking from their own childhood - if I don't get a couple now there won't be any later. Anyhow you wouldn't find food sitting around for long at our house. We would gobble it up and Mom would make more. I was also very sick from ages 4-5 with bronchitis and tonsillitis. The Dr wouldn't take my tonsils so they plied me with antibiotics which robbed my adult teeth of all of their calcium. So not only did I evolve into a "chubby" girl my adult teeth dropped and they were discolored and brown. I took a lot of teasing in those early years of childhood. Kids can be so CRUEL. Thank goodness I did develop a few friendships and those have lasted the test of time. I began building a shell around me so nobody could hurt me. When I think about the times in elementary school, jr high and high school about feeling humiliated about my weight - Ugh. At age 16 - 17 I was plumped up to 176 pounds. My parents would only let me drive back and forth to work using their car so I started riding my bike. During the summer of my junior - senior year I rode 40 miles a day. By the end of the summer I was down to 128 pounds. While I had hit a major milestone of size 5, I was still the "fat" girl of my group most of them were in 0's and 2's. That was ok I felt much better about myself however my self-esteem still suffered because of my teeth. In November of 1984 (age 17) I started getting my teeth capped which made a huge difference in how I felt. I moved out of my parents house at age 19 and the weight started creeping back on. I was out partying living life drinking and eating a lot of fast food. By the time I was 24, I had gained all the weight and then some weighing in at 230. I became the champion of losing 20 pounds. I could take off 20 in 4 weeks however I'd gain it right back plus 3 to 5 more. I also took a shot of Depo-Provera and had a 2 year reaction. Talk about gaining weight ! Wow! So fast forward and here I am today at 41 tipping the scales around 300. It hasn't been an easy journey getting here and I'm sure it will be a lot of work to get myself back to a healthy space. I researched the lap band surgery all summer. I know others who have had different surgeries and the weight has come off so fast. Unfortunately a lot of them have gained it back too. It seems like the lap band is the way to go for me. I think I need more accountability. I think I need to lose the weight at a slower healthier pace. I am excited to get started on the next chapter of my life.
