caterpillergrrl

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

just 20 hours

till the doc cuts me open

and makes my stomach

which now holds one GALLON

small enough to only hold

one cup.

I have found protein filled low fat recipes

for when I can introduce solids

I stocked up on baby food

for both me and Emmett

I have tried his foods

to see what tastes best

and I am mentally prepared for what is about to 

(and what could)

happen.

What more can I do?

There are ppl tryin' to talk me out of it

no flippin' way

I find that I have TWO unsupportive friends

not just one like I originally thought.

How sad for the ppl who feel the need to flaunt

their food to me

I mean, as vegetarian I get that a lot

ppl feel guilty about the slaughtered animals

that they are consuming

so they need to try to shove it in my face

and everyone ALWAYS thinks that

they are the first to do it.

sad sad sad

but the pre-op diet has been hard

and I am still down 15lbs

and I will continue to lose

while the ppl who rub it in that they have been

dining on pizza and pasta

continue to add to

the girth of their asses

good luck to them

I will get smaller

especially in comparison

and I will feel better

and I may cheat heart disease

and diabetes.

As for the skin that will hang

that will be my trophy

bat wings and Fleur De Lis

bring It on

it can all be covered with clothes

I am feeling better about this today

than I did last night when I wrote

trying to look forward

to what is to come.

 

so I am 2 days away
unsure of how I feel
up until now it wasn't real
I mean, I understood what was happening
but I had months and months invested in this
and it just kept getting halted at
every turn
so now I am 2 days away
and my mind can't catch up
I keep joking about what Paul will have to do
if I should die.
I know that's a looooooong shot
but still
  surgery is surgery
I remember going in for my
  emergency gall bladder removal
really not a huge operation
and right before the dr came in
  to knock me out
my (then) husband said
"I hope you die during this operation"
he was mad because people were paying attention to me
and not to him
don't worry, we divorced not long after that
but those words were sharp
and I remember them still
and though Paul would absolutely NEVER say that to me
I am still anxious
I have so much more to lose this time.
I guess it's my morbid NEED
to ALWAYS focus on the worst of the worst??!??
Who knows?
On Thursday I will be home
and I will write about how stupid I was
to be afraid.
I will be relaxing in my bed
being waited on
  OK, maybe not, but Paul will be here for whatever I need
I have lost 15 lbs as of this morning
and I am wearing pants that are one size smaller
  than I wore 2 weeks ago
I am already a loser
and so proud to be one.
One more day of this wretched diet!

 

 

Made it through the wedding
no prablemo
plus I am down 14 pounds
pre-op
go Misti!

 

so it's getting more and more difficult
I just keep thinking that maybe I will get used to it
after all, I knew this was coming.
I guess the hunger isn't really all that bad
compared to what may come.
I was looking at before and after pictures today
DAMN! 
Some of the ppl looked younger
but some looked like they had a hard time with it
it aged them.
I am very excited about what is to come
and thrilled about finding gelatin AND sugar free jello
5 calories for the orange and strawberry
ten for the cherry.
I like the cherry better
(guess it's just like the fat girl to choose the one with more)
Tomorrow will be the real test
I have a wedding to go to
I fear I may throw cake at someone
I will watch everyone else eat
and I will snack on water,
water,
and some more water. 
How frustrating
tell me it's worth it

 

 

Today is the first time
since I started my crash diet
that I woke up really hungry
I have been having only one shake a day
and a dinner at around 7
but I don't know if I can forgo 
the second shake today.
I haven't had it yet
I am trying to put it off by keeping busy
laundry
and later
shopping


that will help as long as I stay away from the
grocery section.
My belly is growling now
think I'll break down and have the shake now!
  (oh, btw, it's international talk like a pirate day
shivver me timbers)

I had my pre-op appointment today

apparently I am like the healthiest patient he has

I didn't have to go for blood work or anything

just to see the anesthesiologist

who told me I will have to remove my tongue ring

no biggie

he also said I need to have an empty stomach

I told him it will be 2 weeks empty.

They were pleased with my 7lb weight loss

my liver is shrinking.

The Dr is nice and the staff is nice, 

even the mean lady was nice to me today.

My app't was fast and painless

and the surgery should still happen

one week from today.

As for my state of mind, 

I only started feeling nervous today

on my way to the app't.

I guess that's to be expected!

Other than that, 

all is well

The good
is that I am down 7 pounds
and I haven't killed anyone yet :)
I'll admit  am hungry
but here is how I am looking at it
my surgery is just over $14,000
I need to starve myself for 14 days
so for each day I do it
I am earning $1000.
So if I get the urge to cheat (even just a little)
I remember that I am earning $1000 to NOT cheat.
It's been helping!
The bad
is that I have become a little testy
snapping a bit
(I am pretty aware so once I start I can usually stop)
but I have been getting mad pretty easily.

Today was a toughie

I woke up grumpy

wouldn't you be?

I had my shake and felt better

then I decorated more.

Stacey was here

we got some exercise

by playing Wii.

I made myself some veggie soup 

I don't know if that is allowed

but it was only vegetables 

and faux chicken bullion

88 calories for 2.5 cups

it was sooooo good

I made enough to have throughout the week

It should help when I want something other than a shake.

I don't like chocolate to begin with

so all this chocolate shake crap is not good

Paul even found a vegetarian sugar free jello for me

TEN calories

jello isn't filling 

but it's something other than the shake

besides, rumor has it...

there's always room for j.e.l.l.o

                                 

I called my dietitian today to tell her I had a date
after all it is because of her
she is not a fan of gastric bypass
and thinks Lap-band it much safer
she supported my decision from the beginning
Fran is an amazing person
always so full of energy
I hope to be like that some day
  As for my fasting
it is going well 
as well as can be expected
don't come near me with food
I may harm you!
Stacey suggested I invent a "food patch"
it would taste of gobs and spaghetti
not together
first spaghetti THEN gobs for dessert
she only wants a 5% commission
whew!
I need to find a vegetarian vitamin
I am only finding ones that are full of cow hooves
no thanks
I will go to GNC today and pay an obscene amount for 
gelatin free pills
but maybe I will have more energy.
The sad things is, 
I think I have more energy now 
than I did before I was approved.
  I get to have Subway for dinner
:)
yay
11 more days!!!

    

Today I weighed myself
4 pounds gone
I don't miss them
in fact, 

I didn't even know that they were gone
it's good to know that this crash 
dieting is working. 
Emmett and I have been enjoying the cooler weather
we walk until he cries
he doesn't like to be in his stroller for too long
and I gotta admit, 
this not eating is making me weak
and tired
soooo tired. 
But I just keep pushing myself to do what I gotta do
getting this surgery is a gift
I am thankful!