Cece2014

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"So, how have you been feeling?" was the question from my therapist. Happy was the first word out of my mouth - blurted w/o thinking.  Then I laughed.  Yes, that feeling of well-being, energy, upbeat outlook and laughs was happiness. It has been a while, in fact many many years.  In the past I often lamented I didn't know how to have fun anymore and really didn't register happiness in most of my activities. 

This realization requires more consideration; what's going on?  Well, I'm 43 lbs lighter, still unemployed (which is getting to be a pain), have enrolled a few good friends family members who ask about my success (not lament my size), pre-op testing is going well having found no major or show-stopping issues, and I'm beginning to toss some clothes that are beyond baggy.  Hummm....

I wonder if the carbs/sugars are at play here - or lack of them - because I haven't felt this good in MANY years!  In fact even my allergies seem to be fading.  This feeling is well worth it and motivating!  

I've done it before - yo yo up and down the scale.  3 months seems to be my "danger zone" for getting bored or lazy with whatever plan I'm on.  It starts with extra snacks, little bites of sugary carbs and before you know it, there's a pizza in my shopping cart with M&Ms for a chaser.

But the scale today was a nice pick-me-up; 329.  I haven't seen that number in probably 3 years, just as Weight Watchers was becoming boring.  Today it seems like 320, then 310, even 300 are reachable even. And I'm NOT BORED with the low-carb plan.  

And that's the big ah-ha of my morning.  Simply staying away from sugar and carbs have made all the difference.  I have found substitutes in low-carb snacks and I don't feel deprived. I don't feel the ups/downs of carb/insulin swings.  I have even eaten out a few times and made good choices.

Wow - who the heck just wrote that?  Oh yeah, the healthier me.

I've enjoyed the frequent articles from OH that show up in my email. Some days they are a distraction, nothing of great import.  Today's rang so true for me. I'll save this one to read again during my journey - this paragraph grabbed my attention.

(excerpt)    What I didn't realize at the time, and what I now know to be true for anyone looking to sustain long-term success, is that WLS is a temporary solution to a chronic and often recurring problem. Here’s the big secret that no one tells you:  WLS can help you get thin, but it will not keep you thin. You need to keep you thin because everything that got you fat before can get you fat again. Without a secondary intervention that targets and transforms the mental, emotional, and behavioral patterns that led to obesity in the first place, you are at significant risk to regain the weight or substitute another (equally dangerous) addiction in place of eating.

After The Honeymoon: What You Can Expect After Weight Loss Surgery - ObesityHelp.com

				After The Honeymoon: What You Can Expect After Weight... After the honeymoon, what you can expect after wls.
				View on www.obesityhelp.com	Preview by Yahoo

While I mentally know surgery is a tool, one of many to employ for success, I can also see how it might be too easy to rely on it completely and not make, and continually reinforce / refresh, the good habits that will provide a lifetime of better health. I've seen so many posts, as well as TV shows, where people all excited about the surgery but may not have done the "head work" that belongs with it.  

I think that is why my pre-op program is making so much sense to me - I already know how to be obese - it's very easy.  I need to learn to be a different person in relationship to food and what it does for me, finding happiness in other activities, and learning that I am a worthy person.  

OK, I'll get off my soapbox....

Exercise.  The demon gym.  That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. While I was an athlete in my younger days somehow it never seemed hard.  Now, sweating is something to be avoided.  Some of this is just absolute avoidance: sweating became a daily even as the weight piled on.  Foot and leg problems slowed me down and became an excuse. Menopause is still causing random cycles and out of control bleeding - and yet another excuse.

But I feel so much better now - 35 lbs gone and walking is suddenly easier.  Surgery last October helped the foot, the knees are not complaining as much. There is help on the horizon for the menstrual cycles.  But I'm still not walking as long as I could.  And the pool is calling my name but for some reason I don't drive other (2 miles away) and jump in.  And I LOVE the water - and when I'm in it all my worries float away.

So what's the excuse today?    Absolutely none....

So there I am, leading a team meeting. Catered lunch, drinks, desserts & snacks of course.  While I was able to order a Chicken Cesar Salad (skipped the roll/butter, picked out the croutons, used 1/2 the dressing...) the brownies and lemon bars were calling my name.  How dare they!?!  I've been SO good since June 21st.  And then the blood sugar started to dip, it's 3pm-ish, I can feel the headache start.  And I didn't bring my own snack (lesson learned....).

OK, I'll eat two Brazil nuts.  Yummy.  That should help out.  And another bottle of water.  30 minutes later, still a little woozy.  OK, What I really WANT from that lemon bar is the lemon!  

So I took one bite, no crust.  It was fabulous - tangy and sweet.  Then I threw the rest away.  And the world did not crash down on me.  I felt better as the rest of the afternoon passed.   And I can truly say I'm OK with this - one bite is not the end of the world.  It did not lead to more  bites, or one bite of everything.  One bite gave me the lemon burst I love, and I moved on.

Another day, another success, another positive message to myself.

Mentally it seems very strange to not be hungry - so different from just a few months ago.  Really, I love food, I used to dream about food, I love to cook, family revolved around food.  

This non-hunger thing is happening several times a week - and it still surprises me. Then it dawns on me that this is my "new normal" - or at least a positive stage on this long journey. And it reminds me there is so much more to life than eating.  Of course food tastes good!  But it's also a drug you cannot get enough of, which is a long decline back to a food-focused life.

I'm liking this new me, I walk taller (and farther), every little thing is not a chore (nor as sweaty) and I'm happier when I look in the mirror. There are still 3 months to go in pre-op preparation and insurance approval; I'm planning to maximize every day along the way.

When I opened the package from the Weight Loss Center it all became so real.  While are more tests and insurance requirements, it means one more milestone reached and another on the horizon.  This good news is very motivating and provides another push long my journey.  In the two months I've been in the pre-op program I have learned so much and made major changes in both my daily diet and attitude towards food.  

But I'm not fooling myself - this will be hard; it will take effort, planning, continuous learning and reinforcement.

This time I can do all that, and more.

Stress - our daily friend.  In the past I would have eaten everything in sight, worried about the situation, and probably had a cocktail or two just for good measure.

My dog ate a rock and which caused an intestinal blockage!  He is only 11 lbs, was throwing up and looking pretty bad. I began to worry I would have to put him down if it had already caused too much damage. His surgery Wednesday to remove the rock is, so far, successful. He's not out of the woods yet and we will not know for a few more days if he will recover completely.

Yes, I know he is a dog, but the stress and worry are almost the same as for my son.  He is one of my "fur children" and an important part of my life.  

Food was a necessity, not a crutch.  I didn't eat mindlessly, I was very aware of a creeping "snack attack" feeling, but some jello and water later I was OK.  It was SO much better to have him on my lap that evening, food didn't compare.

Another lesson on my journey.....

Can it really be that I'm no longer obsessed with food?  And after 2 months on low-carb pre-op diet? Was it really the sugar and carbs driving my obsession?

After a lifetime of food as the be-all and end-all of every waking moment, I find that morning brings sunrise, not thinking about what I'll have for breakfast. And while I enjoy the challenge of preparing food differently and finding substitutes, I don't munch while cooking and sometimes don't even finish my meal.  (Jokingly I told my friend I must have fallen ill, what, not clean my plate!?).

I hope this is just a harbinger of a sustained life change - I'm still planning of VSG next year and believe these positive changes now will make for a smooth transition to a post-op life.

Not to mention the health benefits gained by deleting some weight now.

Birthday cake, vodka, muffins and bread sticks, spanakopita, piroshki, beer, toast rounds w/creamy spreads, crackers/cheese.... I actually said no to all these.

Fresh veggies, smoked salmon, pepper salami, olives, grilled chicken...   I said YES to these.

And it wasn't terrible or challenging. I simply told the hostess I'm on a diet and will choose selectively, and also congratulated her on a beautiful table and variety of yummies.  I ate a few hours before the party so I was physically prepared, plus drank a big glass of water prior to arriving, and having another while everyone made the first rounds of the buffet.

So many times in the past I've caved - but not this time.  I'm very happy about that.