Charms112

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I don't know what's going in but I felt more prepared for this surgery until I got my date and now as the date gets closer I feel so disorganized and out of sorts lol!!  This is funny to me because I totally know that its pure nerves acting up.  I had my PATTS today and got through pretty quickly so now its up to me to get my ass in gear and plan accordingly.  

I still have a very upset mother who feels like I'm making a huge mistake...unfortunately she is getting to me.  Mainly because, when a person is preparing for something like this the last thing you want to hear are words like "disappointment" our "you can do this another way...I know you can...I'm your mother".  Those words can make the strongest person second guess or feel nervous.  All I have to say is thank goodness for the post-op posts and pictures of those members on the bench!  They get me through...oh and the hope that I will be able to sit with my kids on rides at wonderland this summer!!

Time to start focusing on the days after surgery.  Make my lists and begin checking them off!  Opti start next the 28th!

I GOT MY DATE!!!!  I can't believe it!! I met with my surgeon and was told that my life changing day will be....DEC 12TH!! 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!  I go in the Friday and (HOPEFULLY) will be discharged on my birthday!  This is crazy because last year on my birthday I said that my next birthday is not going to catch me in this same place!!

One thing I know, is God is going to make things happen when He says it is to happen.  I feel like I can now look to my future, or, feel like life after surgery is really going to happen!   Now I just look forward to taking my kids on rides at Wonderland, tubing at Blue Mountain and just simply feeling lighter! Now to plan!

God is good!  

Whew!  I have finally gotten through the month September.  Soooo busy, and exhausting, and...I'm just happy its over!  Since this is a journey I am on, I find my self hyper sensitive to how I react and deal with the stressors around me.  Well folks...I have not dealt with anything well at all!  But I found that it all comes down to "me time".  I have none...none at all, and because of this I don't plan, I don't de-stress...nothing.  I finally understand why people around me have been saying "you do too much".  Ok so now I have made some changes.  And good changes too...I now have two days a week to focus on me.  That is really exciting!! I see spa days in my future!

Things have been picking up speed at HRRH too.  I got a call from Dr. Glazzer's office to have my appointment moved up to today instead of Jan 15th!! So what I did was call the booking line to see if there were any appointments available for me to check off the list...and there was!  So I have gotten my dietitian and social worker appointments completed today.  -All I have to say is thank goodness I know my info!!  They asked me many questions about the surgery and risks and my barriers to success and more.  If you haven't gone yet...start studying!  Tomorrow I have my nurses appointment tomorrow and then I am done!  I am not getting my hopes up too high because I know that surgeons are not booking until the new year...but my fingers are crossed none the less!  

Blessings

Man I need to write!  The past two week have been crazy busy with back to school preparation and getting the kids used to a new routine...add the lovely monthly and I was truly a mess!  The frustration thing with all of the chaos is that I totally went back to old habits!!  Now I am struggling to get back in to my healthy eating.  I am eating mindfully though...that is my only saving grace...but even with that I am like mindfully eating the apple fritter from country style and feeling angry at myself with every bite ha! My goodness I need to get some control over this.  

Ok so when I look back at the past two weeks a few reoccurring themes keep coming up...Did I get enough sleep this week...no.  Did I plan my meals this week...no.  Did I drink enough water throughout the day...no.   Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding...those things get me every time!  It is so easy to fall off the wagon with chaos.  Sometimes I feel like I am taking care of everything around me and leaving me, myself and I out in the process.  If any of you have been on a plane the attendant will say that in the event of a crash (aka chaos in your life), put that oxygen mask on yourself BEFORE you put it on your children.  I am no good to my family when forget to take care of me.  I get tired and addicted to sugar...not pretty.  Hmmm...I guess my next task is to get to a place where can identify a chaotic state and remember to put the damn mask on my face!  

So now that I have gotten this off my chest, I am going to have a peppermint tea, hop into bed and get as much sleep as a mum of 4 could possibly get, to turn things around.  

Pray for me people

Bless

Lately I have been contemplating between which surgery to follow through with.  One I feel I know a lot about but the other...not so much but yet I feel compelled to choose it.  I'm talking about RNY and the Sleeve.  It seems like the bariatric system here in Canada really pushes RNY because of various reasons.  Now I could be totally wrong with this but I think the main reason is because of the effect it has on diabetic patients...they seemed to say that often during the orientation.  The Sleeve is covered but not often encouraged and I think it has more to do with surgeons being trained to perform RNY more so than the Sleeve.  

Ok so my main concern with the surgery process is the fact that malabsorption of nutrients issues will arise with RNY.  I am worried that as I age not every medication that is on the market is going to come in liquid form so therefore that means my medication choices are going to be quite restricted.  God's willing I will be so fit and healthy that I not require medication, however...you just never know.   Apparently malabsorption will not be an issue with the Sleeve!! Also with the sleeve the portion of the stomach that is responsible for producing hunger hormones, will be removed causing a decrease in hunger much like the RNY.  I understand that weight-loss may be a little slower with Sleeve though and regain seems to be more prevalent with Sleeve patients as well....

Overall weight-loss surgery is such a HUGE decision to make!  I will be meeting with my surgeon soon and I will have a number of questions for him or her.

On day at a time...

Blessings

I did it!!! I finally did it!  I went to my first OA meeting!  

Its been a crazy few weeks for me.  I have been waiting and waiting to get a call from HRRH...still haven't gotten it and that is with me calling and asking what the hold up is.  With the waiting and having my family on my case about surgery I was completely feeling overwhelmed with frustration, anxiety and this overall feeling of defeat that I found myself saying...well yelling...SOMETHING has gotta give!!  With that I was starting to feel a shift....I was starting to realize that I need to start looking at my head and try to understand why the words my family were saying were getting to me so badly, as well as, why waiting was driving me insane.  It hit me...immediate gratification.  I want everything now!  Not in a week, not in a month...NOW!  Instead of dealing with these feelings I had learned over the years to eat my way through the waiting period and suppress the feelings that waiting, family discourse, stress at home, boredom all make me feel inside.  I can't distract myself anymore with food because I now realize that food is a diversion and an unhealthy solution.  The crazy part is...I found that I could not justify my "reasons" anymore because they were not real...they were excuses.  WHOA...freaked me right out!  Now me being a bit of a realist I asked myself...Ok so what's next...because I know that I can't rely on this epiphany to last forever especially when a funnel cake is calling my name!  

Well that lead to me challenging the "reason" why I hadn't gone to a OA meeting yet.  2 years ago I was told to check them out...I checked and could only find a meeting in Etobicoke.  "Well that is too far" was my mantra all they way until my friend said...Charmaine that is like 20 min from Brampton!  LOL!! I can't believe I was using that as a barrier when it takes me 20 to get across Brampton to take my kids to dance like 3 times a week! I am laughing out loud as I write the btw!  Anyway, I went online to get the address and found that there are 2 groups in Mississauga...1 being like 10 min from me.  Ok so apparently the groups have been running for like 25 years in those locations.  Talk about excuses eh?! 

I went!! I wasn't nervous too because I felt so ready to accept that I have to make changes.  I met amazing people...people who know exactly what I was going through.  People who had had the surgery too and are still coming which was SO comforting because I knew that I will need this support before and after the surgery!  I tell you for me nothing beats being in front of people and having someone look you in the eye and say "I know what you are going through.  The best thing I took away from the meeting was that what happened yesterday cannot be redone and I ain't psychic so there is know point in stressing about tomorrow...one day at a time.  The change process is going to take a life time...a lifetime of getting it right and sometimes getting it wrong...but when it does go wrong I can own it and start again...and that's ok.

Can I tell you that its been about a week and the urge to overeat has significantly decreased...One day at a time.   I'll keep you all posted 

Bless

So since my lovely husband let the cat out the bag about my choice to so surgery I have been getting a lot of flack from some family members.  The only person I hadn't told was my dad...until today.  I wasn't looking forward to saying anything to him because he's known to be quite rigid and opinionated...like the rest of my family you may be thinking... but he's different.  More in your face with his displeasure towards things, black and white kid of guy.  I don't know if its because he's getting older but lately I have been quite surprised with his reactions to things.  Well today I told him...and he said...well Charmaine, I don't blame you for your decision and I support you 100%!   He went on to tell me that he sees how my grandmother (his mom) has struggled all of her life with weight and is now an 87 year old lady still struggling.  He even said not to worry about my mom and siblings say because I know my body and what I am going through carrying this weight!  FLOORED!  I wanted to break down and bawl...but my kids were around lol.  It is an amazing feeling knowing that I have my dad in my court and because of this I am not worried at all about moving forward despite what the others are saying.  I feel stronger...amazing!

On a side note...I called HRRH and they said that the nurses are just finishing up the end of June files so any of people who attended orientation in July will have another 3-7 days to wait before we get our first round of appointments.  Take the good with the bad eh!

So I have been tracking my food intake and hunger patterns to see if things meet up.  One thing I have noticed...I eat a lot with out being hungry!!  I am starting to wonder if some of this has to do with the prospect of surgery soon or I have always done this mindless eating?  I wonder if anyone else has done this???  I'm kind of like...sure i'll have this donut 20 minutes after dinner...or why not munch on chocolate dip bars while making lunch for the kids!  I just feel so aware of when I am putting things into my mouth these days and honestly...I am scaring my self!  So much sugar, so little veggies, and eating all. the. time!

I find it interesting that I used to track in the past with weight watchers or herbal Magic and other programs but this time around I finally understand the importance of doing this work on my head.  That is something that I have never ever thought to do before.  With my family on my case and reading all of the posts on OH I find myself really worried about regain.  I would feel devastated and completely disappointed if I had made these drastic changes to my body to fall back into the same habits that brought me here in the first place...I also loath the words "I told you so!!"

Anyway all I know is that some changes need to be made!   I figure I may as well get started while I wait for my appointments...Apparently the nurses are behind...2-4 weeks behind.  Sucks to wait but at least I will be ready with my note book!!! 

Wish me luck people!  I plan to schedule my eating and add 1 salad a day!  Changes...here we goooo.

Who knew cleaning out my fridge would reveal so much about my issues with food???  Today I had this desire to make my space lighter...the weight of my family and their fear of surgery was really getting to me so I wanted to clean something!!  The interesting thing about the prospect of surgery is that it is making me more mindful and I'm starting taking note of how I relate to food and how food affects me.  So anyway...As I'm cleaning out my fridge of all the old food I started wondering why I had so much! There were containers upon containers of half eaten meals or containers with a few crumbs...it was a bit much...no where near hording type proportions...but enough to make me take note. After I took things out and wiped out my fridge to put back the things that I needed to keep, like milk and eggs and such, I was bothered by how empty the fridge looked...like really bothered.  I had to take a step back.  I felt myself start to make the connection between feeling like the fridge was too empty and why there was so many containers that gave the illusion that my fridge was full.  I think it is clear that I feel comfort in having food around me all. the. time!  It ain't right I tell you!!  I am so glad I noticed this today!  My next task is to begin identifying all of the reasons why I have this need to have food around me.  Hmmm...The saga continues! 

Really having a hard time dealing with the amount of negativity being thrown my way because of my choice to have surgery.  I am noticing that my family really has a hard time trusting that I am able to make well thought out decision for myself.  

Why is it that people can make the assumption that a person hasn't tried hard enough at weightloss?  That is what gets me the most...I feel like my attempts in the past were unsuccessful because according to them because I didn't loose a large amount of weight or maintain healthy eating habits.  I deal with a very opinionated and manipulative family members so whenever I do something outside of their comfort level I get this type of reaction...you'd think it would get easier deal with over the years...but it hasn't.  The sad thing about this is that all of this doubt is making me feel anxious about the whole surgery.  I hate that.  I think people who have weightloss issues often struggle to deal with stress or conflict (blanket statement I know) so we turn to food to quickly make us feel better.  Now that I am faced with this surgery and it is disrupting all of these emotions in me I feel like I want to eat foolishness even more!  Its very frustrating!  

Time to turn over a new leaf and start making it a habit of feeling the feelings, dealing with them in a healthy way and then releasing them instead of internalizing them!!  I read of a really good strategy today on the OHO forum and that is to write out all of the fears and concerns on one page and on the back of it write out all of the things I am thankful for.  I will have to try it...I have to start developing healthier ways to managing my feelings because if not the sour cream glazed donuts from Tim Hortons is going to be in my hands by the end of the night!!

Pray for me people!