cheryl76

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Well, finally... surgery is done and my fears have left me. Surgery went great. I was treated like a queen on the floor and all my doctors and nurses were wonderful. I'm glad me fears were just that... FEARS!

Wow! Time sure has flown. Tomorrow is the big day, my rebirth. I'm so nervous I could throw up all over my desk! The butterflies are swarming in my stomach!

Well, the nerves are really setting in now. I had to go back for my sleep study follow-up yesterday and ended up on APap. Fun, yeah. (At least my nasal pillow is pink!) So last night wasn't very fun. I think I ended up taking all that crap off somewhere around 1 this morning. I'll have to work on it.

My stomach is swimming with butterflies and all kinds of oddball stuff is floating in my head. I worry, what if I don't make it through surgery? what about my kids? what about my husband?... too much to worry about. Am I truly scared? I think I am to a point. The biggest problem I'm having right now is what if I did something to screw this up?

Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Have I smoked in the past month? Yep. Do I feel bad about it? Yep. But I'm just hoping that doesn't set me back.

Liquid diet... totally sucked. I've snuck a little food here and there. (Zero carb and low sodium, though.)

So... long story short...I'm kicking myself in the butt for a lot of little things. I've got a great support system full of friends who've had bariatric surgery in one form or another and they all tell me this is normal and I'll be okay. I think it's only natural to worry.

Now I need to focus on Tuesday. Tuesday is the big day...my new birthday, my 're-birth' day!

Oh my gawwwwdddd..... liquid diets absolutely suck. I'm so flippin' moody!

Well, it's all really becoming real now. I've started my two week full liquid pre-op diet. My stomach is already going crazy with all the talk this morning of black-eyed peas, greens, and cornbread! Okay... these people have just got to stay away from me.

Let me tell you about my mother....

My mom had me when she was 16. I grew up with her always trying to be my 'friend' instead of my parent. Despite a strained relationship, I have to say she used to be absolutely beautiful. Even after giving birth to my twin brothers when she was 21, she melted right back down to a petite 95 pounds soaking wet. At the time we lived in Indiana. A few years after my brothers were born we moved back to Georgia. Almost immediately she started to put on weight. Fast forward 30 years and she's just as heavy as I am but about 3 inches shorter so she looks a lot bigger.

About two years ago my dad finally got health insurance (he used to be self-employed so they almost never had insurance). This was my mom's chance to check into bariatric surgery. She so badly needs it. Her back is always hurting, her joints are ate up with arthritis from carrying her weight on this tiny frame, and she's incredibly unhappy. After attending a seminar, she went for the consult. When all of her paperwork was sent in, the insurance denied pre-authorization as non-covered. Mom was devastated.

I could see so clearly how badly she wants to be able to run and play with her grandkids, how tired she is of using a walker, and how much it hurts her to be in pain from the weight. I don't show emotion to her because I was raised 'different' and to be 'private'. I cry on the inside for her. I don't know completely how she feels, but I know pieces like the way people 'stare at the fat lady', the way skinny people snicker as we go into Lane Bryant and Catherine's. It really pulls my heartstrings.  

So, being in the field I'm in... I searched clinical trials all over our area and finally found one for gastric plication in Atlanta. I gave mom all the information and she made the call. Wouldn't you know it....always a catch... sure, you get the surgery... but there's a big fat $9,000 fee. In the real world that's super cheap... in my mom's world that may as well be a million dollars. Once again, she's emotionally done, ruined, disheartened, and even deeper depressed. I gave up. I threw in the towel. If I had the money, I would gladly give it so my mom would be happy and my kids would have a grandmother that's not a big ball of tears all the time.

That being said, our relationship is even more strained now. I can't change the way things are. I've tried. My mother is so unhappy at this point that she's even mentioned suicide. I'm scared one day I'll get a call like that because she's so far gone now and my dad could care less because 'she's not the woman he married'.

Now, imagine how this effects everyone around her. She only found out in the last few months that I've been going through the process for surgery. She is so incredibly jealous now that she's trying to scare me. I told her my surgery date and she says to me 'Isn't that dangerous? Are you sure you need to do this?' What do I say to this? When she wanted surgery there wasn't a thing in the world wrong with it. Now that I'm doing it her attitude has changed.

On some levels I feel like I shouldn't care what she thinks because I know it's coming out of jealousy but somewhere in there I know she really is just scared for me.

Okay... so I'm sitting here at work waiting for our systems to come up and it occurred to me that maybe this blogging thing will help calm me. So here we go....

I decided a long time ago that I would have surgery if given the chance. That chance came along so here we are waiting with a surgery date of January 15th. That's two days after my 37th birthday. It's going to be my 're-birthday'! And I am really excited but really scared all at once. I don't know where my worries are coming from. I'm not sure if it's just natural or if I'm being overly neurotic. My mind keeps going from one what-if to the next. I have a husband that loves me and two beautiful kids. My kids don't really understand what I'm having done but my husband does. He's watched quite a few of my friends have these surgeries.

One has had the lapband and went through hell with it. She recently had a revision to the VSG because of a prolapse. She almost died from the tachycardia and dehydration. Her doctor told her he was on vacation so he couldn't do anything for about 4 days. He sent her home severely dehydrated and unable to even keep water down. 'Wendy' looked like death. She was pale, short of breath, could barely walk. Her husband was scared for her. Fortunately, we were able to talk her into coming to a different facility and she was immediately admitted with the dehydration, tachycardia, blood pressure at stroke levels, and such horrible weakness. After getting her to a safe point physically, they took out the band and did the sleeve. She's recovering wonderfully now but overdoing it instead of resting. (She's stubborn.)

Two of my other friends have had the sleeve and look absolutely wonderful. They had no problems. And yet another and her brother both had Roux-en-Y. They both look great too! All success stories. I want to be a success story.

So why do I still have these nerves driving me crazy? I've seen nothing but good come from bariatric surgery... so why? Why? I have a great bariatric team, a wonderful nutritionist, and supportive friends. I just want the nerves to stop.

How did you get over your 'case of the nerves'?????