I am a puddle

Aug 10, 2012

So I'm at goal. 140. At certain angles, I look positively scrawny, which, as a formerly morbidly obese person, is hilarious. 9.5 months out from surgery, I'm 152 pounds from my heaviest and 142 pounds down from my surgery date. My BMI is 24, and I wear a comfortable size 8 pants and medium tops. The shirts have to be on the long side so that they don't ride up and show my midsection when my hands are above my head. I'm slim, but there's a lot of unsightly texture underneath the clothes. Texture, to me, is what has happened to my skin as the stretch marks collapse in on itself in these beautiul ripples and ruffles. 

My local newspaper did a front page story about me and a friend of mine and our success with WLS. There was a picture of me above the fold... me pushing my daughter on a swing at a park. I looked slim and happy... and all I could notice was the batwing swinging out behind my tricep. It wasn't clearly outlined, so people probably didn't know what that extra flesh color was from... but I recognized my batwing. And all I could think was "oh well."

My thighs are skinny, especially when I'm in bed. This morning I was cuddling with the hubster before we got up... and I was pointing out how I had almost 3 inches of skin puddle pooling next to my upper thighs and in my crotch area. My tummy was completely flat.... and I could lift up several inches of loose skin from where it caved in between my jutting hip bones. The skin is about one to two inches thick when I pinch it, so I know there is still fat behind it. My boobs are deflated, though I still need a C cup or a large B cup to make the extra skin look okay in a bra formation. When I lay down, I can stick my nipples in my arm pit. That's how loose the skin is. How's that for imagery? I told my husband I wasn't interested in implants, but I wouldn't mind reconstruction someday... even if it meant my breasts would be smaller. I'd rather have them be a normal shape and be small that to be big again. And the loose skin would still have to go anyway. After I'm 45... or when I know for sure I can't have more babies. 

So I guess it's time to start doing more weight training. If I can get definition for the muscles, maybe I won't mind the extra skin so much.

My weight loss has slowed, and once I hit goal a couple weeks ago, I stopped weighing. If I feel myself start to gain again (as evidenced by tighter clothes), I'll weigh again. For now, I'm still working out in my head how much food I should be trying to eat. The hunger is back, and the cravings are intense, but the body is not willing to overindulge, which is the glory of this surgery.

Here's the craving pattern I've had. I'll try a junk food like Pringles, and I'll eat some every day for a week or two. Not huge amounts... maybe a cup total. After two weeks, my body will start dumping from it. So I switched to Cheetos. Same pattern. After two weeks, I would start dumping after eating a few cheetos. My latest junk food indulgence is mint chocolate chip ice cream. Two small scoops. One night I added an extra half scoop, and I dumped. Ever since then, I dump after one scoop. 

I shouldn't be eating those foods to begin with. Yeah. I get that. Good news, my body is policing itself.

All that skim milk I had to drink before my stricture was fixed? Yeah. I can't even drink half a cup of it now without dumping. My pouch is crazy.

So other foods I won't even try anymore because one bite feels like a gut bomb: egg rolls, fried cheese curds, brats. Anything fried is suspect, but I was surprised about the grilled brats... but they are greasy, so it's no wonder. I had attempted the other foods, hoping I could just have one bite to have the satisfication of the taste... but even one little bite is a no-go.

Bread is getting easier to tolerate, but I won't eat it on its own... no dinner rolls, toast. I've eaten sandwiches, but after half a sandwich-worth of bread, I just finish off the meats/cheeses, otherwise I can't finish all the proteins. 

And eggs are still a no-go... I've tried scrambled, over medium, over easy. None of it sits well.

So I'm still working out the food issues, but that's pretty common for the first year. My body has melted. I am going to a waterpark tomorrow with my kids, and I'll be in a swim suit all day. 

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