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I know in my last blog I posted that I was in awe about being in a 14/16 pants.  I have to tell you, I am still not over it.  As I fold and put away my clothes, I have to remind myself that - yes, those ARE my pants.  And yes, the large shirt might be a bit big and I should grab a medium too just in case.  I never expected this level of success and for the first time in my journey, I am scared. I don't want to go back to the life of a super morbidly obese woman.  I love my life and I love my size ... Now is the hard part - maintenance!  I am more conscious of what I eat these days than what I ever was at any other part of this journey.  Somedays I make good choices and others - well, not so good.  All I can strive for is more good days than bad and hopefully this maintenance thing will work itself out.  I am crossing my fingers! 

When I started this journey I was wearing a 6x and it better be cotton knit because no other material would fit over my fat body.  I remember shopping to be such a chore due to its limits of sixes and styles and the price was absurd.  Then I had the surgery and the melting began and I could quit shopping online and start shopping in all the plus size stores.  I was proud to shop in those stores.  I was proud to be the largest size they sold.  Eventually, I began shopping in the plus size area of department stores, but then I melted out of those sizes too.  I literally had to ask the saleslady what came before women's because even at the age of 12 I was shopping in the women's section of the store.  I learned there was a misses department...who would have known? certainly NOT me.  So the melting continues and the extended abdominioplasty happens and I am sitting visiting with a friend last night and she mentions she has bought new jeans.  I ask what size and she begrudgedly says 14 - she works hard at keeping her weight down but the holidays have gotten the best of her and she is not in the 12 anymore.  As unhappy as she is with her 14, that's how excited I am.  I ask if I can try them on, thinking for sure I don't fit them, but it would give me an idea of where I am in the process.  So, here goes nothing.  I slide them on and what? button them up! and what? zip them!!!!!  So the next thing we do is shop....yep, I shopped in her closet because my friend is a shopaholic and her closet is full of things she bought and never wore and has no intention of wearing.  I loved every minute of fitting into my normal sized friend's clothes.  Go me! 

I stepped on the scale this morning and looked down and was in disbelief.  It read plain as day 179 lbs.  Me, I am 179 lbs.  I never expected to get below 250 lbs.  My dream weight was 180 just because it was safely 20 away from 200 but never did I think I would get there.  Instead I just adapted my life to the rules of wls the best I could and let that take me where ever it felt we could go.  But to be 179 - it is like I weighed someone else, because surely that isn't my weight.  That is a long way from 443 and each pound of the 264 I've lost is a blessing.   

In three weeks I will undergo another physical transformation and this one will literally be overnight.  I remember an ill informed family member asking me before my RNY what was going to happen to my belly when I went into wls.  She thought the abdomen belly was removed during surgery not the actual internal belly.  I explained that I had to lose the weight and then what was left would be removed through reconstructive surgery.  That seems like so long ago but in truth it wasn't more than 19 months ago and now here we are today.  I've lost 234 lbs and I am scheduled to have my belly "taken off" in three weeks.   

I still can't figure out how he is going to remove this apron of flesh and then sew be back together.  I've watched number surgeries but none of those patients had what I have hanging from my body.  None were misshaped as I am misshaped.  My abdomen truly has a life of it's own.  It could be its own person.  I can cuddle my belly like a baby in my arms.  It floats when i am in a tub of water.  I can place my hands under the floating flesh and feel hip bones under this massive amount of flesh.  How does he cut this away and fit me back together - I guess it is a good thing I trust the guy to know what he is doing because really - I cannot wrap my mind around not having to lift skin that hangs halfway down my thigh when I am bathing.  I I cannot fathom looking down at my body and seeing the tops of my thighs.  Is it true, will this happen for me?  It's what the dr is promising me.  Can he deliver?  I guess we will know in T-minus 3 weeks! 

I had a plastic surgery consult on September 1st regarding the removal of my belly.  The doctor estimates my belly weighs about 35 lbs. I cannot even imagine my body 35 lbs lighter.  I never truly believed I would get to the weight I am now, so 35 less lbs is not even fathomable for me.  Initially the doctor told me the procedure would be outpatient the fee was quite resonable.  However, due to my history complications and after review of these complications, he is no longer willing to do the surgery outpatient which means a considerable hike in the price.  No matter - I am having this belly removed.  Because the rest of my body is pretty much normal sized, the belly is really causing me to feel a bit freakish.  I cannot imagine how people who have lost as much as I have live with the skin and not have the surgery to remove it.  I am in awe of them!    My surgery is scheduled for December 9th.  This is yet another cash pay procedure due to my insurance not recognizing that plastic surgery is sometimes medically necessary.  They say the normal human body is worth about 20 dollars.  Well, when I am through with these procedures the worth of my body will be one more area of my life that is not like all the "normal" people out there...hehehe  

 Today was my first plastic surgery consult appointment.  I am shopping surgeon's and hoping to have surgery in November of this year.  I really liked the doctor so it is going to be hard to go looking for another.  Anyway - on to what he said.  He believes I have about 35 lbs of abdomen flesh that he is going to remove.  35lbs!!!  It is hard to believe I am going to wake up with a flat belly that doesn't hang halfway down the front of my legs and 35 lbs less than I weigh right now.  The last time I weighed 35 lbs less than I weigh right now is 2nd grade!!!!!  

 August 13th made 15 months out from surgery and what a 15 months it has been.  Today marked officially having lost 235 pounds.  I now weigh much less than I have lost.  I can honestly say that while I hoped to get to the weight I am at these days, I don't think I ever expected it to happen.  I also didn't expect to still feel this big even if I did get to this weight.  I attribute how I feel about my body to the fact that I still have a large belly but hopefully with plastics that will be taken care of soon.  When I went to the doctor for my one year check up I was told I could start seeing plastic surgeons in September.  Well, I am starting off September with a bang because on the 1st of September I have my 1st consult appointment.  If all goes according to plan, I should be having the surgery sometime at the end of the year.  I still have two other appointments to make and hopefully I will feel comfortable with at least one of these doctors doing the surgery.  I suspect this will be another out of pocket medical expense, so I sure am going to get what I want if I have to pay for it.  This is why I am doing three consults and more if I have to.

Everyday continues to be a new adventure.  I continue to live life to the fullest and don't let much keep me down.  I was always a go bug but nowadays it is non-stop and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I know there is no way I can make up for lost time but I sure can not waste the time I have now! 

That is what I thought all day today.  How different life was a year ago today!  I've decided there are really no words to describe what has happened to me in the past year.  I am going to post pictures so you can see the physical transformation, but so much more about me has changed.  While I am exactly the same person I was a year ago, I am also absolutely different from the person I was a year ago.  Again, there are no words to describe how that can possibly be - it just is what it is.  Learning to accept that as fact has been one of the many struggles this year has held for me.  However, I would not change this year for the world.  While I am sad that I needed gastric bypass surgery, I am extremely grateful that modern science has an answer for individuals like me.  So to that I say - God Bless an onward with life! 

I plan on doing a good bit of swimming this summer and that means I needed to get a swimsuit.  Since the top part of my body is much smaller than the bottom, I knew it would be a tankini type of suit.  Luckily I found a deal online and ordered these shorts and tops for a great price.  Only problem, when the came in there was no way I was going to fit in those shorts.  I held them up and thought - yea right!  I put on the top and was please but it was time to try and squeeze my self into the bottoms careful not to rip them so I could return them.  I had decided I needed to try them on to estimate exactly what larger size I needed to order. Get this - they fit!  I took them off right away to hold them up in front of me again.  I cannot believe these shorts fit me!!  Swimming pools here I come! 

About six weeks ago my 3 yr old niece asked me to jump on a trampoline with her and I told no because I was too fat to jump. Her mom (my nephew's very fit wife) asked me how long I was going to try to use that excuse because in case I didn't know, I was not too fat to jump.  I said it was my story and I was sticking to it!  Fast forward to tonight.  My cousin's 2 year old wants someone to go outside and play with her.  The evening is beautiful, so I go with her.  She asks me to take her to the trampoline and I do.  I decide I am going to try to get on with the assistance of a flimsy ol' chair they have out there.  Will it work?  Won't know until I try.  Sure enough, I get on.  I sit there with her, but with the innocence of a child, she suggest I play with her like her friends do and that means jump.  I get up and can bounce a bit but cannot find the courage to actually allow my feet off the canvas.  I do that a few times and then I go for it.  Here I am 11 months later and 212 lbs later - jumping on a trampoline.  Yep - my life is full of changes.