colelea613

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So I have been absent for a while.....

I had a job and now I don't.   I was lonely but now I have a loving, caring, cowboy for a boyfriend.

I was losing weight but now I have stalled.  I wasn't working out but now I am working out 4 to 5 days a week. 

So that is my life in a nutshell......

So I have my sugery in 4 days, I have had really good days and some really crappy.  The good days were last week when I spent two days texting and talking to a new beau.  He is out of town and I get random texts from him just enough that I really want more.  I have a new worry now...new guy likes big girls.  I know that I will always be considered big at 5'11".  I don't really see myself dropping below 180 or 175.  So could I be dump for being too small...not going to happen.  The crappy days were the days where my sister was cooking...mancotti, cakes, mexican food.  She is a BIT inconsiderate and a witch.  Watching her eat I can see that she will have problems with her lap-band.  She eats slider foods very little protein. She has not been very supportive concerning my revision from lap-band to VSG.  The problems will increase with my sister as I lose weight.  Her emotions feed off of others...if you are miserable she is on top of the world.  If you are happy she is horrible, mean, and bitter person.  In a couple months she will be moving 4 hours away, not quite far enough for my taste but I will take it.

I am seeing food as an addiction.  I see that I have to work on my mind as I work on my body.  I am excited.  So many new things happening in my world.  New friends, new activities, and most IMPORTANTLY a new ME.

So all I can think of is the cheesecake from Copeland's.  I have been thinking of it for at least 4 days.  I have also been thinking about fried seafood.  These are not usual food cravings for me.  I really don't think about food...I notice that I really don't think about anything really.  I watch TV, play on the computer, and play with Cassie.  I am in a mini slump.  I don't really work well without a schedule.  The downside of being a teacher...summers off.  Once Cassie starts school, I will have a schedule.  Going to the gym...maybe working part-time somewhere.  I really am in the longest hold pattern of my life...after VSG this will change. 

Had a HUGE text fight with my ex/father of child today.  I can't  help myself sometimes.  He hasn't seen Cassie since December 28, 2010.  His girlfriend will not help in anyway for him to visit with his child.  He was in a motorcycle accident in Feb. 2010.  Broken leg...basically broken neck...spent 3 months in the hospital...blah blah blah.  He left us for the "girlfriend" when Cassie was 10 weeks old.  I spent 12 years driving him to visit his son.  All of this is old news...I hope with every pound that I lose with VSG that I can lose the bittterness I feel about him leaving us. 

I hope that with each pound I lose brings my one step closer to becoming a woman that men will be attracted too. 

I will not let my daughter grow up seeing me fat and lonely...

So today my four year old, Cassie had all the cavities in her tiny little mouth fixed.  The dentist put under general to get all the work done at once.  The doctors gave us a bonus...they fixed the chipped front tooth.  But with the good comes the bad...braces are in her future.  Duh!!! I could have told you that...she has such a tiny little mouth.

Two out of three hospital stays are complete.  May 31st was mine for the tonsils.  July 11 was Cassie and her teeth.  August 2nd mine again for the sleeve. 

Tomorrow is the last day before my house is complete chaos.  I have to get it clean and organized.  I already threw out a bag of old 3x t-shirts and pants.  I have been that size in a year but would never get rid of them.  They are gone...in the trash.  They were so old that I would have been ashamed to send them to Good Will. 

 So I am hiding at my friends, Cyndi's  house.  WOW talk about a calming effect.  Even though she is going thru a separation and has a 19 year old son, I am calm.  I am not being very good about the liquid diet but I am not eating junk.  Even my 4 year old is being calm and relaxing.  Cassie thought it was really cool to sleep in the "King's Bed" with Aunt Cyndi.  It really is a huge bed.  Bigger than she has ever seen.

So I hate to leave but I left all my paperwork for my doctor's appts at home and must return to the HELL HOLD.  

Cole

Hitting the road to visit a friend for the day.  Getting away from the negative vibes.....
Feeling better this morning about the trauma that my family inflicts upon my mind.

This summer I have become addicted to the old show "The Waltons"...I must remember that families do not work that way in the real world.  But won't it be nice just for a little while??

I am trying to "jazz-up" my profile but can find a picture that will upload.  All my pics are too big...funny even my pictures are overweight.   I am fighting to make it thru my pre-op liquid diet.  It is not going very well.  It was much easier for my lap-band surgery but then I was working and didn't have a 4 year old.  I also didn't have a "house- guest" that cooks twice a day.  Give my the strength not to kill her.  She fried fish, pickles, and mushrooms tonight.  She has been baking cookies everyday.  I know get rid of her...I can't she is my sister, who by the way is a sucessful lap-band person going from size 22 to size 8 in less than a year.